Hate List XVII
After a brief hiatus where my computer became infected with a great virus, the Famous Hate List is back. This week, we have some truly inspired hate from all over the country. As the summer draws to a close, and the humidity reaches maximum ball-sweatiness, the hate has flowed like never before. Welcome to the 17th edition of the Famous Hate List.
If you would like to show everyone that you have a basic grasp of grammar and a really bitter personality, email me your hate list submission at email@example.com!
Republicans: I am a liberal and I will tell you why; I don't have anything. If I owned anything or had some sort of wealth, I would probably be a conservative so I could keep all the stuff I had. Being that I do not have any stuff, I prefer a party that promises to give me some of that stuff for free. That being said, I didn't really have any problems with republicans before this week. Sure, I didn't agree with their beliefs but it was a merely intellectual grudge, not a personal one. Now, with the republican convention coming to New York in a few weeks, that intellectual grudge has turned into relentless hate. Holding their convention in the middle of New York is like dangling a sausage in the face of a German for the terrorists. It's just so tempting. The government knows how tempting this is to the terrorists and taken serious" no, extremely serious measures to keep the city "safe." And these are what have me hating the republicans. Where it used to take me 20 minutes to get home from work, it now takes 1 ½ hours" Thanks Bush. They check every fucking truck on the highway, flag down cars, and create a giant traffic jam from Connecticut to New York. Why don't they just hold their fucking convention in Austin, TX or Fargo? At least the people there like them. To the republicans, Thank you for making my drive home from work so enjoyable. Thank you for closing the bridges and tunnels. Thank you for putting a giant bull's eye over New York. But seriously, get the fuck out of my city, you dirtbags" I Hate You!
Laughing Lamar: A few weeks ago I had my car robbed. In the theft, I lost my CD player and all of my CDs. Since then, I have driven around in silence, doing much more thinking than I should. After a week or two I came to a realization; I really annoy myself. My mind just wont shut the hell up and it drove me to insanity. So, a few days ago I purchased a discman (my original one was also stolen) and burned a few CDs to listen to in the car. I could have brought a new CD player but, with the condition of my car, that would be like putting a new engine in the Titanic. Illegally, I have been riding around for a few days with my headphones on, rocking out. But since I live in the ghetto where little is as cherished as a thumping system, I have become a mobile joke to the entire neighborhood. They laugh and point as I bob my head and sing to what appears to them to be a silent song. I know I look funny, but if one of you hadn't stolen my stereo we wouldn't be in this mess. There is one guy especially who thinks it is particularly funny" he is homeless. I don't mind a joke at my expense, but when you eat my garbage, I don't think you are really in a position to make fun of me. How did that chicken I made last week taste? I hope you're enjoying my old beer bottles. Next time I see you laughing at me, maybe I'll turn the other cheek and throw a half eaten snickers out the window for you" I Hate You!
Larry Lingering Goodbye: What is so difficult about saying goodbye? I mean, you have a whole range of send offs to choose from: later, goodnight, peace, see ya, peace out, take it easy, goodbye, bye, talk to you later, catch ya on the flip side, etc" So why do you insist on saying every one of them to me when it comes time for us to stop speaking? Whether you are talking on the phone, in person or on the computer, Larry just can't seem to let the conversation end gracefully. It will go as such.
*Aight, I gota go Larry, I'll see ya later."
*keep it real
*take it easy
*fare thee well
I want to hang up, Larry. I don't want to sit here well-wishings with you for the next hour. Just say goodbye and shut the fuck up. For future reference, I plan on taking it easy, having a good night, and keeping it real. So now you don't have to instruct me to do such things every time I'm trying to get back to the TV show I was watching. You can officially say "goodbye" to my friendship, and say it as many times as you want" I Hate You!
Reader Erin M. really hates: The Olive Garden. Those fucking commercials "When my uncle from Sicily comes to visit, we know that taking him to Olive Garden because we know their homemade food will make him feel right at home." No it fucking won't! I hate these small town folks who see these commercials and think they're getting an authentic Italian dining experience by going to Olive Garden. The dry cleaners I used to work at was in the same shopping center as an Olive Garden, and every evening by 5:30 every parking spot was taken; they even made their own makeshift parking lot over in the grass so they could wait and hour and a half to have their authentic Italian dinner are you fucking kidding me?! Either stay at home or suck it up and shell out some extra money for an actual good Italian dinner. Olive Garden, with your shitty food and white trash patrons, I Hate You!
Reader Nicole really hates: The girls who get made up to go to the beach . The beach is there so you can go and relax and be in the water and sand, and just have a good time. I understand if you don't want to look like a scumbag in front of all the "hot" guys, but seriously, do you need a full face of make-up, and hour spent on your hair, and your nails perfectly done? It usually would be pointless because all of that shit would wash off in the ocean anyway, but no, these girls go to the beach just to be admired. They don't go in the water, or play games with friends, they lie there, in posed position, scoffing at everyone else. And when a guy does come up to talk to them, they tell them to fuck off, unless they are model material. I understand that girls can be high maintenance, as i am when i am getting dressed to go out at night, which is at most an hour. But when your friends are getting pissed off because they want to go lay in the sun, and you need to apply another layer of mascara, i hope your friends fucking throw you in a river of poo with your $500 Prada bathing suit on! I hate you!
Nicole also hates: People who get in your way and act like it's your fault I understand if two people run into each other by accident, and it is both parties' fault. But when you have a clear path, and someone steps right in front of you, bumps into you, and slams you into the wall, and then just says "OH!" and turns and gives you a dirty look, well you suck my bellybutton. A lady that I work with always manages to step on my foot, or push me or something, and never offers a quick "oh, sorry, didn't see you there" or anything. Or she'll just move my stuff to the side to get it out of her way. Like the whole world was fucking made for her, and I'm just always in HER way. I'm going to start slamming into her and then scream in her face "Watch it bitch, I'm walking here!" I hate you!
Reader Mike from New Haven really hates: "Joke stealing Johnny": This fuck is the person who steals a quote or joke from a movie, and passes it off as his own. You uninventive, talent-less fuck, get a fucking life and come up with your own jokes for fuck's sake. Other assholes who quote movies at least do so while pretending to be the person
Reader Lacey really hates: Willy the Weird Theater Freak: This is the kid who takes the phrase "all the world is a stage" a little too literally. He is always surrounded by his other freaky little theater friends who are always singing and wearing freaky stage makeup for their fucking show they have 8 hours later and they always seem to be really, really loud and obnoxious at ALL times. And oh, um, Professor, its opening night so can the test be on Monday instead of tomorrow cause me and Dana the Dumb Dancer and Gary the Gay Actor won't be done with the show till like 4am. No, you fucking drama queen! Just because you and your overly-excited metrosexual friends have some little show tonight doesn't mean the rest of us should have to retain this information all weekend! I have things to do to! Like go to my sorority/fraternity mixer and sleep all day. You should have studied earlier instead of practicing your tap dancing all night in the room above me while I was trying to study . cry me a river, I fucking hate you!!!
"Lacey" also hates: Samantha Stalks-A-Lot: This is the bitch who hates you for simply for existing but clicks on the link in your profile that says "pics!" (and at the same time their screenname is logged at IMchaos) about eighty fucking times a week. Hey, cuntrag, if you hate me so much, why are you fucking obsessed with looking at pictures of me and my friends out having fun? Oh, maybe its cause you only have a total of two nasty ass bitch friends and your daddy's money to keep you entertained. Not everyone can be me and my friends, but hey, someone has to sit on the curb and clap as we go by, and apparently you like to do that about eighty times a week. So, you trashy whore with bangs, until you get enough courage to ask for an autographed picture, WE HATE YOU!
Reader Patrick F. really hates: "The fat guy who thinks his fat is actually muscle"
Congratulations, you were a mediocre football player in high school, dumb as a brick, and for some odd reason you are under the impression that since you weigh 350lbs you are a total stud. I am here to clear some things up for you. Just because you can fill out an under-armor shirt with ease (as well as an industrial sized trash bag), this does not entitle you to strut around campus like you're fucking Schwarzeneger(spell check??). Sure, you might be pretty strong, but do you realize that no one is impressed with your love handles, gut that obscures the sight of your genitalia, and your man breasts that you so proudly display when you puff out your chest and hold your arms to side like you are carrying two pony kegs. And please don't accuse me of being inconsiderate to people who are overweight, I just cant stand to see some egotistical meat-head walk around and flex as if his gooey physique may actually resemble that of a human being's, instead of an amoeba. But hey, who am I to tell you what to do with your life. If you sincerely think that you are buff, keep wearing those undersized polo shirts with the collar popped, keep posing like The Hulkster during games of beer pong, and keep consuming ungodly amounts of creatine sans working out, you look good! Who needs a low blood pressure, and un-congested arteries anyways? Oh, and one more thing, keep this in mind I Hate You!
Reader Peter H. really hates: "Wanna come look at my truck?" guy. Here I am, taking you to parties to help you meet some new people, because all your old friends hate you, and what do you do? You search out every single girl I have even the slightest interest in, and use your fucking $30,000 truck as a goddamn bachelor pad on wheels. Way to pay me back for helping you get out of the house you ass-hat. The shenaniganry is at an end, my mentally impaired former friend. Don't be surprised if the next time you take someone out to that truck it smells like someone's pissed all over the seat and I am nowhere to be found. That's right! Your 15 mpg land yacht, you know the one with that huge bed and towing you don't need? It's becoming my personal high dollar commode! So FUCK YOU, you superficial materialistic piece of shit, I HATE YOU!
Reader Karl H. really hates: Bible Boy-We've all been in this situation, we're sitting by ourselves in a secluded area, reading, studying, or last minute cramming, whatever. Some asshole comes up to you and starts small talk. Ok, I'll humor you and converse with you for a little bit. Then they ask you if you're saved and if you want to come to bible study. HELL NO! Please, I think I can consider myself a religious person, I go to church, but I keep it to myself, and I don't try to push my beliefs on other people. Don't try to show me the path to heaven because FUCK YOU! You don't know it either! Don't give me any bible quotes and don't impose your Christian bible bullshit on me. I'm already a Christian A Christian who HATES YOU!
Karl also hates: Loud Laugh/Happy Clappy-These are two forms of a similar demon. They complement each other sort of like an incubus and a succubus. Both laugh at everything, regardless of whether or not it's funny, but especially if one of them says it. Loud Laugh to professor: "Well, the Reformation was obviously a result of the downfall of feudal society in the Middle Ages. WHAAAAAAAH HAAAAAAA HAAAAAA!!!!!" The change in air pressure of the room caused by this rush of wind then causes several people to pass out, and people on other floors take a moment to ponder what could be so funny to merit the uproarious ruckus coming from somewhere else far away but in the same building. Happy Clappy follows Loud Laugh's example and giggles, not particularly loud, but equally obnoxious because of the wild hand clapping which accompanies his laughter. SHUT THE HELL UP!!! It wasn't even meant to be funny, why do you laugh, Loud Laugh? And Happy Clappy, why do you give a standing ovation to every humorous or not-so-humorous event? I HATE YOU BOTH!
Reader Jacqueline M. really hates: the "Guy at the bar who thinks because you're a chick you can't shoot pool". This is the guy who shows up when he sees chicks playing pool and proceeds to show the females where to hit the ball and how to get the other ball in. NO SHIT bastard, I wouldn't be playing pool in public if I didn't know how. Did ever come across your pea sized brain that chicks can play this too? Just because I have boobs doesn't mean I don't know how to A) rack the balls, B) break, C) cut the ball into the pocket, or D) hold a pool stick. Maybe you should take your piece of shit-ness out of the bar because you aint helping anyone, all your suggestions are totally off and I can shoot better than you ever will. So next time you see me at the bar, by the pool table, stay the hell away because I HATE YOU!
Finally, reader Timothy P. really hates: The 12 Hour a Week Kid. This is a kid who got a job because everyone else did and he was bored, he only works about three four hour shifts a week and gets paid 15-20 dollars an hour while the rest of us work 10 hour days 6 days a week to get by. This is the same fucker that is too tired to do anything cuz they have to work at Noon the next day. But he is never too tired to bitch about how hard it is to work. Dude, quit your job or quit your bitching, I fucking hate you.
Well, that's all the hate for this week. Join me next week for more of that bitter, angry ranting you've come to know and love. And remember, send me your hate list submission at firstname.lastname@example.org. This is Streeter Seidell, on behalf of the Famous Hate List, saying farewell, goodbye, peace out, lata, and goodnight.