Greetings new roommate, and welcome to our dorm room! If you are reading this, you have most likely also taken note of what appears to be an unnaturally small-bodied, middle-aged man curled in the fetal position at the foot of the bed. No need for alarm—that's me, your roommate! My name is "Michael" and I have just a couple ground rules that I'm sure you won't mind memorizing before you destroy this list. Let's begin!

1. Going forward, please make sure to announce yourself before entering the room. Unannounced entrances tend to result in fetal-position-at-the-foot-of-the-bed situations like the one you're witnessing now. Shouting something simple like "The Honorable Mary Beth Wolcott!" will suffice.

2. Just to make sure I'm being completely clear, shouting "The Honorable Mary Beth Wolcott!" is really the only acceptable way you should ever announce yourself.

3. Please do not ask me how old I am. Would you like it if I asked you how many times a day your uncle molests you?

4. Speaking of uncles, mine will be staying here on the weekends to help me with my "puzzles." I would not recommend being in the room on the weekends.

5. I do not appreciate hearing jokes about how I "look like somebody stuck Tom Selleck's head on the body of an 11-year old boy." As if I haven't heard that two hundred million times.

6. I enjoy (and sometimes require) physical human contact when I'm anxious or happy or doing homework or listening to ham radio or thinking about going outside, but do NOT stand near me if I've recently awoken from a nap or if I'm within smelling distance of cheese.

7. Speaking of smelling distances: On a scale of 1 to 10, how would you feel about providing my uncle with a sample of your urine every now and then? (10 being "Great" and 1 being "No big deal") Please write your answer on the separate sheet that I've provided.

8. I prefer that we do not install invisible micro cameras in our room and secretly record each other sleeping. I also understand that we probably will anyway, and I respect our decision to do so as I'm sure we will have our reasons.

9. Speaking of having reasons for the things we do when we're sleeping, if you notice me laughing hysterically into a gray maternity gown in the middle of the night, don't worry; just flick the lights and sing "He's the king! He's the king!" Within a couple hours, most of the laughing and beeping noises will subside and you can go back to sleep.

10. I should never, under ANY circumstances, be allowed to get wet.

11. If you're going to turn out to be one of those roommates who sells human organs on the black market and keeps poisonous yellow sac spiders as pets and crashes ambulances into churches and talks incessantly about the head measurements of the "lower races," then you have to tell me now—not later. I promise to do the same, if the opportunity presents itself.

12. Speaking of that, don't touch my Easy Mac.