Hello" Welcome. I hear you are interested in some prison real estate. Well, you've come to the right warden. Have a seat" guard, will you loosen his shackles? Ok, I have a whole host of properties here for you to look at. Now, what are you in for? Assault with a deadly weapon? OK
That rules out some of our minimum security properties. But, I think we can still find you something very nice. Let's see here"
Oh, Ok. Have a look at this right here. This one just came on the market. Who lived there before? Let me just get the file" ok, his name was Raymond "Slice" Tolson. He was doing 35 to 60 for manslaughter. According to this he was set on fire in the recreation yard a week ago. Lucky you! I guess you got sentenced at the right time. Anyways, this cell is in the fashionable "D-Block" section of the prison. It has one barred window which overlooks the rec yard. It's a single, which is nice if you like to not get raped that often. It comes with a toilet, a mattress, and whatever Slice left behind. This, and I really mean this, is one of the best cells we have here. Not interested? Ok" ok, not a problem, we have plenty more to look at here.
You say you're looking for something more historic? Ok, well we don't have anything Colonial or Victorian, but we do have really nice pre-war cells over in cell block A. Let's have a look" Oh, wow. This one here is a steal. Have a look at this picture. See all those tick marks in the wall? Those are from prisoners counting down their sentences. Can't you just feel the history in the cell? Now, this particular cell is a double which means you'll be living with" let me just look at the file here" Rocko Mazarachio; convicted of racketeering in 1975, 40 year sentence. You guys will have plenty of time to get to know each other. We let you work out the bunk arrangements and such, but you will have to share the bathroom. The good news is that this property is only a stones throw from the laundry so you'll never get cold. Does Rocko have any history of sexually assaulting prisoners? Well" yes, yes he does. But he recently was diagnosed with diabetes so that should be slowing him down. No? Not a problem.
Ok, maybe cell block F would be more to your liking. It's the newest wing of the prison and these cells are flying off the shelf like hot cakes. You should seriously consider taking one of these. If you'll just look at this picture, you'll see that we have replaced the standard "bars" with plexi-lass sliding doors. Can you say "peace and quiet"? What's that? No, you cannot open them anytime you like, they are sealed with a 10,000 Lb vacuum gasket. But, look at this view! This is a fourth tier cell, meaning that you can look out over the whole cell block. Cellmates? No, this is also a single. Listen" I didn't want to tell you this because I didn't want to affect your decision, but I want to let you in on a little secret. You have to promise me you won't tell anyone I told you this. Ok? Great, this cell is supposed to be reserved for solitary. I mean the real nutjobs. But I see something in you" I know you'll take good care of it. Call me crazy, but I think this is the cell for you. Am I right?
I knew it. Well, I am so glad we could get you into a cell today. Here is your new address; Pauly Colico, Inmate #1220-98-G53, Cell Block F, 4th Tier, cell #57. I really hope you love it there. Please, if there are any problems -rapes, rats, overflowing toilets, shankings- anything, don't hesitate to call me. Ok, guard" we're done here. Strip him down for the delousing. Mr. Colico" or should I say #1220-98-G53, welcome to prison! Oh, and don't be alarmed if some of the inmates come sniffing around your cell tonight" they are just being neighborly.