People You Hate XVIII
Welcome, ladies and gentlemen, to the 18th edition of the Famous Hate List. It's been a while since our last ranting and I apologize. I was having a good week and didn't feel that resentful. But that is over now and the hate is back and more bitter than ever.
*Remember, if you would like to contribute to the Famous Hate List email firstname.lastname@example.org with your submission.
Interupting Robert: I don't have a good body, but I really am trying to do something about it. I joined a really expensive gym a few months ago and have really made an effort to go at least once every two weeks. When I do go, I strap on my discman, discreetly slip in my Ashlee Simpson CD, make sure the headphones are plastered to my head so no one can hear, and pump myself up to Ashlee's sweet strains. I grunt, I lift, I heave, I pretend that I'm not listening to "Pieces of Me." I'll be in the middle of a grueling set of three reps of 15 pound curls when Interupting Robert will approach. At first I will just see his mouth moving because Ashlee is blocking out his annoying voice. But then I will be forced to turn Ash down and listen to this idiot. "Hey dude, are you done with those (points to weights)?" Does it fucking look like I'm done with them, you douchebag? No" No I'm not. Before you started poking at my shoulder, Ashlee and I were working our way to a fitter body, now I'm sitting here defending my right to use the weights that I picked up in the first place. How about this, from now on why don't you wait until I put the weights down before you ask to use them" that, or just hang yourself, you fucking tool" I Hate You!
Kiddy Spitter: If you have read some of my past columns you know that I work with kids in the summer. It's sweet job, I get a lot of money to basically go swimming all day with some underpriveledged kids. However, I have one little scamp who apparently never learned not to spit in people's faces. He just learned to swim underwater and he likes to show off for me. Cute, isn't it. But when he surfaces right in front of me, he lets out a huge jet of water all over my face. It's absolutely disgusting. The water, which is probably soaked through with piss, is a few degrees warmer than the rest of the pool. It's mixed with saliva and gummy bears and it lingers in my hair. I tell him everytime "_____, you really can't spit on me. It's not really polite." Everytime, he apologizes and then does it again five minutes later. Hey buddy, keep your germs and ice cream residue to yourself because I really don't want to intercept it in my mouth. You're a disgusting, grubby little bastard" but, hey, I can't stay mad at you" I kind of Hate You" sometimes" wait, don't cry" I didn't mean that" go have another Oreo.
The Gas Price Expert: Say what you will about the current gas prices in our country but the fact remains that we all sat stunned as a gallon rose to $1.80, then $2.00, then $2.48, and so on. This guy (it's always a guy) apparently is on top of the situation. Not only does he know why the gas prices are so high, but he knows all the secret places to get cheaper gas. "Dude, I can't believe you're paying $2.68 per gallon" there's this place of Rt. 17 where you can get it for, like, $2.59." HOLY SHIT! Are you telling me I could save a whopping NINE CENTS on the gallon if I drive 25 miles out of the way to fill up at your emerald city gas station? What a deal! You know what? I'll take the nine cent hit and save myself an hour's drive but thanks for the tip, you cheap shit. Meanwhile, Mr. Thrifty here drives an Excursion. If you applied your super saver tips to your day to day life, you could save yourself the indignity of me telling you to shut the fuck up" I Hate You!
Reader Person (that's the best I could figure out from the email) really hates: The Speed Trap Cop: You hide on the side of a street, and wait for people to drive by you going 10 miles over the speed limit and then pull them over. Well thank you, don't you think it would be a better use of your time to go and arrest the gang bangers who roam freely around Los Angeles? Why don't you go and arrest one of the hundred drug dealers who live within walking distance from my old high school? No you have to pick off busy motorists who are just trying to get somewhere a little quicker. I hope you get shot by one of the gangbangers you didn't arrest, I FUCKING HATE YOU.
Reader Brandon S. really hates: blogging barry. Seriously, when did it become socially acceptable to cut off all human contact except through some sort of online journal service like livejournal or myspace. I've had to subscribe to 4000 of these services just to find out what's happening with my friends. And these fuckers will never tell you what they did the night before right to your face. But get them in front of a computer and they won't shut the fuck up. And they always have to run home right after class or work and sit online for like 2 and a half fucking hours staring at their computer screen and typing about how shitty their life is and how no one understands them "oh my dad made me mow the lawn today, i want him to die" or "My mom made me do the dishes to day, that bitch is a ho!!!!1!!oneoneexclamationpoint" and I really REALLY hate how they get mad if someone leaves a mean comment about them on their journal. Hey you vile ass lancing deer tick if you don't want people to be mean to you online then DONT FUCKING WRITE ABOUT YOUR SHITTY GAY ASS LIFE ONLINE. Nobody cares how your band totally brings the mosh, nobody cares that you teacher gave you extra homework today, nobody cares that your so fucking punX because you listen to some gay ass band like death before dying on a twisted river that's bleeding. And if you really have to just share your life with everyone do us all a favor and PlZ DoN'T TyPe LyKE DiS, i'm sure you have a spell checker someplace on your computer, it's not there just for show, it's there for you to use. And don't type with those retarded fucking toggle letters, they make it seem as if you're actually just pounding your head at random points on the keyboard to type. I wish your mother had a longer coat hanger you waste of life, how can i put this in terms that even your retarded ass will understand? oh I know i FuKinG H8 u
Reader Crystal W. really hates: The Crying Drunk: This is to all you ladies out there. I've never met a male who has cried when he was drunk, and if I did, I would beat him up for being the wuss that he is. Most of you out there have most likely had to deal with the Crying Drunk. There's two kinds; the ones who will weep in the corner, pretending that they don't want to be seen, and the ones who will throw their arms around you, sobbing hysterically. Just leave the bar for Christ's sake. I don't care if your "crush" won't talk to you, I care less if he did you last weekend and is making out with another girl on the dance floor right now, and if you're crying because you think all your friends hate you, I HATE YOU TOO. Learn to drink so that you don't bawl all over me FUCK I hate you.
Reader Matthew W. really hates: my old job/boss. I used to work in the information systems department at my college for a summer job. But no, after working my ass off as a little bitch rather than a technician like my job title, I get canned. The fucker decided to fire me one day after I called off the morning, but not the afternoon. Big fucking deal.
According to him, my fucking reliability was in question. Meanwhile, my other co-workers don't show up for days at a time. Also, this asshole doesn't show up until after 2 hours we do every fucking day. Onetime whilst we were all diligently working with the new computers our college received, he demanded that I run an extension cord through the ceilings into his office so he could plug in a ceramic heater! Most people aren't lucky enough to have air conditioning at work. He couldn't have put on a hoodie like the rest of us did. Every morning I prayed for a phone call that goes something like this; "Hi Matt, Don't come into to work today because your sci-fi obsessed boss killed himself. His suicide note said that he couldn't meet the social skills of today's world and because he no one knew what he did at his job, he took as a clue he was useless." Well he is useless, he should be fired, and he should kill himself. I hate you!
Reader Casey in, not from, Texas really hates: Brick-Leaving Barry: Barry is the guy who comes to your party, solely to drink all your beer because he's too fucking cheap to by his own 12 of Natural Light. Barry wouldn't be such a bad dude if he didn't leave bricks (aka "wounded soldiers") all over your house, for you to find the next morning and say "Who the fuck drank only half the beer in these 12 cans???". For Christ's sake, don't be a fucking woman, drink your whole beer. I don't give a damn if you've already had 80 beers in the course of 3 hours. When you open that 81st beer and you didn't fucking pay for it, you have to drink all of it including the nasty, warm, piss-like swill at the end. You suck at drinking etiquette almost as much as you suck at life and that's why I fucking HATE YOU!
(Editor's Note: While my email may be suxatlife, this in no way refers to me" I'm Irish, I finish what I start)
Casey also hates: Female version Wounded-Soldier Wanda: Wanda is the girl at the party who starts a new beer every time she starts a new conversation. So, eventually, this bitch ends up leaving 16 half-sipped beers around your kitchen, living room, bedroom, bathroom. Drink your full fucking beer you dumb cheap bitch. I know you're a girl and you don't have to pay, but after 16 beers you have as much alcohol in you as a normal person would after 8 beers. The point: you are going to be a panty-dropper no matter how much you drink, so why don't you just quit wasting my beer? You should just switch to tequila, because you can't drink half a shot, because you'll get hammered twice as fast, and because I fucking HATE YOU!
(Editor's Note: This, however, does refer to me)
Reader Darin D. really hates: The person who in a public setting realizes their phone is ringing, casually looks at it, and then places it back without ever turning the ringer off. Like I really want to hear your fucking MIDI file of "Lets get the Party Started". And what's with all the new telephones sounding like they have a quadraphonic Blaupunkt installed that is louder than the first stereo I owned? Hey, I have an idea, the next time this happens, turn off your fucking ringer before I come over and shove that loud piece of shit so far up your ass you will have a Nokia tattoo on your forehead. I HATE YOU!!!
Reader Katherine L.O. really hates: People who don't know how to have fun: I would like to send a hefty dose of hate to the bitches that live downstairs from me. Since when did having some friends over on a Saturday night to enjoy a keg and some music at a reasonable volume become a reason for such scorn from the neighbors? The scorn from these losers brought the cops to our door by 12:30 (yes that would be 12:30 midnight) The cops proceeded to hand me a nice $260 noise violation ticket and dump out the keg that we paid good money for and generously shared with all of our guests. I was shocked by the rudeness and bitterness of these mutants. Was it too much to grow some balls and walk up stairs and politely ask us to turn the music down? Or to at least call security before going straight to the cops? I am friends with the security guard, everything would have been fine. Unlike you, I am not a cold-hearted, inconsiderate bitch and I have respect for other people's lifestyles (except yours of course). I would like to send you bitches most of the hate that I have to give. The rest is saved for people who do not know how to drive on the highway and people who say things like I don't have to drink to have fun or talk about how much everyone loves them when they pretty much just annoy the fuck out of everyone. I Hate you all.
Katherine also hates: Human Road Blocks: This annoying waste of space is the one who rides their bike down a busy road when there are sidewalks on either side of the road like they have rights to the road or something. They hold up traffic and try to act like they are completely unaware of the absolute chaos going on around them that is caused by them. Sorry asshole but if you hadn't noticed, THE ROAD IS FOR CARS!!!!!!!!! Then there is the rare breed of these mind blowingly irritating people that actually use the hand signals to tell you if they will be turning etc. Seeing this gives me an almost uncontrollable urge to speed up and run over them with all of the fury of hell. To these people, clad in their disgusting bike shorts, elbow and knee pads and ridiculous looking helmets who are too good/stupid for the sidewalks I HATE YOU SO VERY MUCH.
Reader Shawn D. really hates: Mr. "All I do is talk about politics that I know nothing about and LOUDLY support one candidate over the other, and if you don't agree, you're Un-American." Maybe if you weren't such an asshat, you'd realize other people have opinions too. In fact, I'm sure they know more about what they are talking about than you, Mr. I only watch Fox News for the hot newscasters. The real die hard, Christian moralist Bush supporters fit this bill exactly. Look, asshole. I'll shove an American flag so far up your ass that red white and blue will be falling out of your mouth with brown stains instead of strips, you fuckup.
Finally, reader Casie really hates: " ms. im sooooo drunk" I hate YOU .WE all know (except for the meat -brained jock you trying to fuck) that you are NOT drunk. You've had a total of 2 wine coolers ! 2! we understand that you are a sluty bitch who has a need to fuck any guy that is near! Stop playing !!!!! You are not Ssssoooo drunk , stop slurring your words, stop pretending that we all cant see your boobs because you don't?? know that your goddamned shirt has come open all by itself! You are not drunk!
Whewwww, that was a lot of hate. You know, I thought everyone out there would understand the concept of the hate list; that people need a place to vent about stuff that annoys them. But some apparently don't. So, I present you with one final entry.
Non-reader Stephen really hates: the people that feel the need to write a column about everyone they hate. They are pathetic and should find something constructive to do with their time instead of degrading everyone other than themselves. Whoo hoo, they have a column on collegehumor.com have a fucking cookie, but I don't wanna hear about every little thing and person that pisses them off. Why don't they try writing about things they like instead of being a little bitch and putting everyone else down.
PS You said you hate Republicans because you're broke, well buddy, you live in CT. pretty sure that's about the fucking richest state out there. FUCK OFF JERK I HATE YOU! And taking more drving time has nothing to do with the GOP if the Dems went to NY you'd prolly love it.
Hahahaha, what a delightful young man. A bit contradictory, but I can forgive. Now, I must have a cookie and jack off to the fact that I have a column on collegehumor!
*Don't be like Stephen, contribute to the hate list for real instead of using its format as a way to say you hate me" trust me, it's been done again and again. Email your submission to email@example.com. And if you want to tell me how much you hate me, just write it in a simple email. There's no need to disgrace the Hate List as such. Thank you.
It has come to my attention that one of my readers did not make the volleyball team at her school. All i can say is that this is perhaps the most unjust act I have ever heard about involving one of my readers and volleyball. Mrs. Vorse, how could you not accept Hilary into your elite team of athletes? She attended hitter/setter camp this summer and I feel that she has put all her efforts into this enterprise. Hilary would be a great adittion to your volleyball team and, since her friends have all made varsity, it would be good for her social life as well. I urge you to seriously reconsider this heinous decision and re-evaluate Hilary at once. Thank you.