I'm sorry" I'm sorry. It has been a long time since I've published a new hate list and I do apologize. You see, I just started my senior year, all my friends came back and my hair grew another inch. With all those great things happening, how could I be mad? Well, a little time has passed and I've been able to let all the goodwill and kindness fade from my mind. What replaced it? Pure, unadulterated hate. Welcome friends and enemies to the 19th edition of the Famous Hate List!
If you would like to contribute, email email@example.com with your submission. But, since the next hate list will be the 20th anniversary, I'm doing something special. The next edition will be "people you LOVE". I'll be looking forward to these.
Observant Andy: Hmmmmm" there are four hundred people in this bar, it's 107 degrees in here, and I have jeans on" I wonder why I'm all wet? Ohhhhh, I know" I'm a sweaty pig! I have the unique ability to be able to sweat through any garment made of any fabric. Needless to say, spending my evenings in packed bars makes me rather wet. I know this, everyone else knows this, but Observant Andy is always gracious enough to point it out to me and anyone else who may be standing around. "DUDE!!!! You are sweating your balls off! Holy shit!" Really? Thanks a lot, you worthless douchebag. Now I finally know why my hair is plastered to my face and there is a constant stream of fluid dripping off my nose! How kind of you to point that out to me, it makes me feel a lot better about my situation. Maybe I can point some things out to you? You're obnoxious, you're a prick and" I Hate You!
Gretchen Grabs-a-lot: Ok, let me put a scenario out there for you. I see someone walking down the street. I notice that in their hand they are carrying something I desire; perhaps an iPod or an umbrella. When they get near me, I snatch it out of their hands and keep it for myself. Am I wrong or is that stealing? Because Gretchen Grabs-a-lot doesn't seem to think it is, at least when it comes to my cigarettes. Gretchen will casually reach into my shirt pocket, remove a smoke or two, and then have the nut to ask me for a light without thinking twice about having just stolen my property. Sure, I can buy more cigarettes, but that doesn't mean I want some fat, pimply bitch who thinks she's something else helping herself to my tobacco. Hey Gretchen, maybe you could afford some cigarettes for yourself if you didn't spend all your money on food, you fat snatch. I was nice this time, I didn't say anything and I was a gentleman. Next time you try to pull something like that, you're losing an eye. You can help yourself to a nice inch or two of knife blade in your eye. I Hate You!
Frontin' Freshmen: Ok, I used to be a freshman too and, more importantly, I don't have anything against underclassmen. I figure (and so do statutory rape laws) that once you're 18, you can do what you want. However, that does not mean you know a damn thing about this school. I don't care if you go to my school, some huge state school, or Beaver State (hehe), this never changes. You'll hear them talking about where to get the best pizza, who sells the best heroin and which bars have the sluttiest girls. Listen up youngens, you have no idea what you're saying. This little act may work on your fellow freshmen but never try to pass that shit off on me. I know where the best pizza is (Mikes), I know who has the best heroin (me) and I know which bar has the sluttiest girls (the one my sister works at). Know your role, open your mind to the possibility that you may not know everything and, freshman girls, don't even think that I'm going to buy you a drink because you talked to me for fifteen seconds. Go find some freshman guy to buy you drinks" he'll be able to tell you which bartender makes the best long island" I Hate You!
Reader I have no idea what this kid's name is really hates: The cheap SOB guy The guy who threw himself a birthday party. Then tells you What to bring like can you go out of your way and make those wings that you make or can you bring a case of expensive beer whatever he is desiring at that point in time I guess. Now this wouldn't be so bad But he has the nerve to put the beer you bring in his garage and then serve you Jacobs ladder or some shit I mean what the hell is that the worst part "someone" snuck into the garage and took back the case of beer they brought and hid it in there car. Then the next day he complains how cheap some person was for doing it. Man i really hate him.
Reader Jack G. really hates: Mr. "I'll favor you because your mom is my friend". A little background: My best friend (Big T) is a trumpeter. He plays better than a lot of professionals, practices more than is probably healthy, and puts on one hell of a show at our concerts. So obviously I'm bound to get pissed off when some chick (Z) who doesn't care gets into the top-level band at our school instead of him. It's no fault of hers she didn't even want to be any it. But the fact remains, the director is friends with her parents, and he doesn't have a fucking clue who Big T is. WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU????? Big T had a perfect audition tape when Z couldn't even play the motherfucking scales. Does it give you satisfaction knowing that either of us could replace you in a heartbeat? I hope it does, asshole. Maybe you'll get the clap from the trombone you fuck yourself with I HATE YOU!!!!!!
- Wow, that is the nerdiest hate list entry ever. Congratulations, Jack. Don't worry, I used to play in the school band too and as retribution for me calling you a nerd, I will post a picture of myself in full high school band regalia on my campushook profile.
Reader Mary really hates: Girls that pee all over toilet seats really annoy me It's not like you have to point and shoot like guys do. It's not that hard, toilets are practically fool proof, you just go and that's that. And for some odd reason, if you do happen to pee on the seat, for goodness sake, clean it up you asshole. No one wants to clean up your bodily fluids so just do us all a favor and learn how to COLOR IN THE LINES. I HATE YOU!
- Girls do that too? I had no idea.
Reader Bryan J. really hates: I really hate Goths: Honestly, what is the point of going about all day complaining about how shitty life is? Seriously, I don't care if your life sucks, no one else cares if your life sucks and writing shitty poetry that actually causes my ears to bleed when hearing it and wearing black clothing and making your fucking skin looked bleach won't make them care. Here's an idea you useless shithead, next time your cutting yourself just go straight for your throat, it may hurt for a few minutes but hell, you seem to be into the whole "pain is life" bullshit anyway so give it try. You think life is so depressing you middle class white shitheads? Try living in a third world country for a month then come back to me and talk about pain you useless drains on societal resources. How fucking stupid do you have to be to make it look like a fucking vampire bit you? Drawing fake teeth marks on your throat won't make you badass you sub-human piece of filth! Hey Non-Conformist shitbag! If you all listen to the same fucking music, dress the same way and write the same type of pointless poetry how the hell aren't you conforming? Dumbshit! I swear, I've never seen a more useless way to live your life, no on understands you, nobody likes you, nobody cares about you and I HATE YOU!
A Reader who does not wished to be named but I will call Winston Martini, really hates: bitchy girls that get offended when you ask them out (like it's an insult to receive a "How about dinner") or come and mope to other guy friends of theirs about how damn depressing it is to be the object of someone's affection. BULLSHIT! How I would love to be chased after by a dozen people instead, the most i get are gay men! And you sit there and tell me some damn sob story about how you are so liked by so many people and it just gets annoying. And then you have the nerve to turn around and bitch again, and again, and again about how it's incredibly difficult to get a date. MEN ARE CHASING YOU DAY AND NIGHT AND YOU HAVE TROUBLE GETTING A DATE! I don't mind if you're picky, hell, that's you're right, but honestly it's not like you're being shunned. If you want a date, take one of the many who are apparently blind to the treachery and whining bitchiness that lies so deep in your pitiful blackhearted soul, give them a run for their money. Hell, they've got the guts to do what you have been dying to have happen to you, so don't be an ass anymore. They'll even buy you dinner, but I won't. Why? Because I know what you are and I HATE YOU!
Reader Tom M. really hates: "Too-nice-to-tell-you Tammy" This is the girl that is nothing but nice to you in conversation, and gives you every reason to believe she's interested in you. Only the fact of the matter is that this spineless twat isn't interested in you at all, she just isn't gutsy enough to tell you to stop wasting your time. Instead, this particular species of useless, societal stain would rather have her tough guy friends take you aside and tell you how they really feel because they lack the courage to tell you themselves or do they lack the ability to break their attention addiction? Well fuck you, you worthless, irritating brain scab, I HATE YOU!
And, the award for most prolific hater of the months goes to" .
Reader Stephanie really hates: "preppy groupies who crave attention" These little fucks strut around in groups of 4 or 5, all wearing identical rolled-up jeans/ruffled skirts in an assortment of colors with off the shoulder shirts or tops displaying cute adjectives describing themselves (sexy, dangerous, bootylicious, etc.) They seem to think that the street is their personal runway, and any slightly-gay abercrombie lookalike model should turn his head at them and proceed to kiss the ground they just walked on with their ugly flip flops/pumps. Their noses are in the air, and they're smiling that annoying "stare at me because I'm beautiful and blonde" smile. It's similar to the smile that those fuckers who try to be funny do after they state an overused or really old joke, expecting everyone to laugh along with them and think of them as the funniest person at the party, because they're so damn popular. If the preppy bitches happen to spot a girl with a style slightly different than theirs, they'll simultaneously give her a look that says "OMG don't come near us you scary rocker that dares to wear black and more than one bracelet and listens to headbanger music that hurts my ashlee-simpson loving ears, we'll scratch you with our manicured, glued on nails if you break up the happiness and sunshine that surrounds us always girly screams" You pain in the ass shitfaces, go out for reasons other than shopping, getting a tan, and picking up hot guys who you'll either play hard to get with or fuck the next day, and know that I, as well as anyone with a mentality older than that of a 15 year old, HATES YOU!
Stephanie also hates: fucking fat-asses that take up the whole sidewalk. If you're in a crowded area, and people are behind you for blocks and blocks, don't take your fucking time looking at everything and taking it in thoughtfully. Walk the same pace as those around you. When I push past you don't give me a look that lets me know you think I'm the scum of the earth, because I made you feel slow, fat, and annoying. You ARE really fucking slow, you ARE too large to let me pass, whether you're right in the middle of the fucking sidewalk or not, and you ARE extremely annoying because it's beyond the borders of normal social conduct for me to kick your ass and tell you that you're a douchebag. While you're taking your time getting up that steep set of steps, ponder Slimfast shakes, joining a gym, or getting over your large, too-good-to-cater-to-anyone else self. If I say excuse me before I work my way around you, don't just ignore me and amble on forward, because I'm trying my hardest to be polite even thought I'm about to miss my bus because you're a piece of shit. You should know that when I can't get around you because everyone else is trying to, I'm gritting my teeth, wishing that I could pull out your hair, shove you onto the ground, and roll you across the street into that sharp piece of broken fence, because impaling you on it might just give me a sick sort of pleasure. Speed it up, chubby, or I'll kick you so hard you'll crush the next 4 people in front of you. Have a nice day, I HATE YOU!
Finally, Stephanie also hates: "the hicks that consider me a city-slicker." Take your fucking faded hat off and wash your hair, dirtbag. Cut the mullet off while you're at it, because it was never in style, and it never ever will be. Clear up your eyes with visine, or just stop smoking your disgusting cheap ass cigarettes. Maybe you prefer cigars well those smell worse, and they're only one of the components of the stench you give off. Take a break from the whiskey, because you matter how drunk you are, you WILL sober up after that hangover and all of your hick-life problems will come back to you. Don't say things like ain't, pERty (pretty), etc. Your accent isn't cute, and I'm embarrassed for you. When you ask me a question about school, work, or what I do for fun, wait a few minutes before your expression goes completely blank and your eyes crust over because you haven't blinked in awhile. Oh you're drooling. You really do not know ANYTHING about where I come from, and could not possibly help me in any real life or remotely common-sense situation. Go back to high school, I mean grammar school, graduate, learn how to speak english, and get a job that requires more than turning a wrench all day. Then I'll have a conversation with you, you stupid piece of hick-shit. Don't start up a conversation about politics to sound intelligent, or to show me how opinionated you can be. I hate it when "city-slickers" pull that shit. Watching the news doesn't make you an educated person, because you also watch race cars drive around in circles and occasionally crash. Maybe you can understand this much: Don't barther me no more cause I fucking hate you and your country music."
Wow, other than that last one, I think Stephanie is writing about me. That's all for this weeks hate list, join me next time when we celebrate the Famous Hate List's 20th birthday. I'll be doing a special edition (as I did with the 10th edition). This time the entries should all be "people you LOVE!" Goodnight and happy" loving???