People You Love
Here at "A Word From The Streets" we have been constantly accused of promoting hateful sentiments. While I cannot agree with these allegations, I have bended to the pressure a bit. For the twentieth edition of the Famous Hate List I decided to see not what you hate, but what you love. Here it is, People You Love.
*Next week we'll go back to the usual Hate List. Please submit your entries at firstname.lastname@example.org
Holding Hank: Nothing can brighten my day quite like someone holding the door for me. While it may be a small act of kindness it is one that stays with me all day. It's not that I couldn't open the door for myself; on the contrary, I am much accomplished in the operations of a door. It is that Hank here has taken a few moments out of his day to make mine better. He has inconvenienced himself for my benefit and I appreciate that. And, unlike some of my more barbaric peers, I always make sure to thank him. Hank, you put a smile on my face, made my way through this doorway a bit easier and shown me that you are a humanitarian in the truest sense of the word" I Love You!
You, Dude: Seriously bro, you're the best. I know I'm a little fucked up right now but I mean it. Freshman year bro" that was crazy. We did some serious shit. I love you, man. C'mere, gimme a hug, dude. You're the best roommate ever. You didn't care when I broke the neon beer sign, you always respect the sock-on-door rule and you never smoke any of my weed without asking. You're the best, dude. I wanna, like, move next door to you someday and we can, like, raise our kids together. Then, like, every weekend, we'll have barbeques and watch football. Once you marry Nicole and I marry Tammy we can totally be best friends forever. Bro, get over here and gimme a fuckin hug. I love you, man" I Love You!
The Royal You: This is for all of you out there who faithfully read my column. Maybe it always hasn't been as funny as you might have liked and maybe I haven't adhered to my update every two days regiment as strictly as I should have but you have stuck by me. When I get email from you guys it makes me happy (unless you're telling me I suck) and when I get naked pictures, it makes me even happier. I suppose this is as good a time as any to thank you for all the feedback, the compliments, the medical advice (Jan), and the encouragement. So, to all my readers and without a hint of sarcasm (for once), thank you so much for reading" I Love You!
Reader Richard "High School Hero" K. really loves: What-The-Fuck Willie This is the guy who you can always count on for a laugh. He's too dumb or stoned to realize he's such a fucking moron that it's amusing to everyone else in the class/hallway/lunchroom/etc I always have one of these dumb bastards (and sometimes, 2) in my class. Usually, he's the only entertainment in the hell that shall remain nameless Well, keep tokin up and don't drop out I don't feel like taking up this role again. Love ya, guy.
*Author's Note: "A Word From The Streets" does not endorse the use of illegal drugs by high schoolers unless they plan on sharing
Reader Hilary G. really loves (in list form):
-People you know so well that you can insult and not worry/care about them feeling insulted
-people who are hilariously self-deprecating
-people who put up depressing away messages that aren't meant to be funny, but are
-people who leave cell phone messages like, "there's a party in my pants and you're invited."
-women on the mid-day talks shows who say stuff like, "I am big and I am beautiful beeotch; which do guys like better: a cot or a water bed?!!!" and then flash the audience
-the kid in everyone's math class who sits in the back and sleeps and makes everyone else look good in comparison
-Chad Michael Murray!
-the creepy old guy by the pool who always compliments my tan
*Author's Note: The last two entries are one in the same.
Reader Stoic K. really loves: I love the penny saver checkout lady: This is the lady who always picks up the small denomination of change and gives you back the whole bill. Example: you buy a pack of gum, it comes to $3.04, so instead of making you pay the other 4 cents by breaking a dollar and having to spend the rest of the day walking around with a huge amount of clanging change in your pocket, she just comps you the four cents. Oh how I love her, if she were 30 years younger, had less piercing and didn't smell like Lysol, I would ask her to marry me. I love you "Penny saver, checkout lady."
Stoic K. also loves: I love anyone who gives you the "wave" when you give them your turn in a traffic situation. Example: you find yourself driving down a narrow road, but in the distance you see a massive SUV driving toward you, so instead of continuing on, you pull off to the side and allow the vehicle to pass even though you have the right of way, as it passes, you get the "thank you wave." It's not that big of a deal but it's a nice common courtesy. I know I'm not the only one who gets pissed when you're sitting there waiting, doing something nice for another driver only to not get the "wave." It makes you want to turn around and follow the asshole home, then wait outside until he or she sleeps and then murder the whole family in their beds then find their parents and murder them for raising such a fucking asshole of a person. SO WAVE GOD DAMNIT, so that I can love you. . . .
Reader Chrissy W. really loves: I love the college professor who is a decent teacher but just doesn't give a shit about any rules. He knows plenty about his trade and is totally willing to help anyone who needs it, but at the same time he has a complete disregard for any school policy. When talking about rules, this professor will gladly tell you the best way possible to break pretty much every single rule on the list. He'll encourage you to harass the resident Rent-A-Cops, make fun of the school administrators, and piss off the janitors, all while telling hilarious stories of his past experiences doing so. Awesome college professor, I really love you!
Reader Ashleigh F. really loves: Friendly Tattoo Guy" It's great to receive friendly service from your restaurant waiter or bookstore cashier, even when they only have to interact with you for a few minutes of their day. But it's AWESOME when you receive a cool tat from Friendly Tattoo Guy. Whether this tattoo is your first or your fifth, this dude knows how to treat you well. He always makes sure you're comfortable, he tells you you're cute when you flinch, and his gentle touch eases the annoying sting of his needle. Yes, you know full well that you're only one of about a million customers he's had, but Friendly Tattoo Guy makes you feel special nonetheless. You don't even need to show him your boobs (unless they're being inked) in order to receive your "special customer discount"" The store policy says there's a $50 minimum on all tattoos, but you know that a smile is all it takes to make it $35. Friendly Tattoo Guy knows you need the extra money for books and booze, so he's cool, unlike that bitch in the next booth who overcharges for her shitty-ass handiwork" .But let's not hate; feel the love! I love you, Friendly Tattoo Guy!
Ashleigh also loves: Boozefest Babysitter" We've all been to parties where there are a few designated drivers, or those who are only there to hold the hair of puking girlfriends, but none quite measure up to Boozefest Babysitter. While those other guys are standing in the corner whining about their duties and scoffing snobily at the fall-down drunks, BB is having a great time. When you stumble past the couch and almost knock over his Budweiser lamp, he's there to catch you and not his lamp. This dude might have barely met you, but he'll still hold your hand to guide you up the stairs, hold your hair while you lean into the sink, and kiss you on the cheek when you say you're so embarrassed to look so unhot in front of him even while there's regurgitated Bacardi dripping down your chin. It takes a big man to endure the sound of so much violent gagging, but an even bigger man can do it for you before he's even learned your name. BB is somehow able to go through this with four different people, drink a bit, and enjoy himself all in one night. And when you see him the next Monday on your way to Classical Mythology, he gives you a big hug as you proclaim, "I love you!"
Finally, Ashleigh's last entry is one I think we can all agree on. She loves: Adorable Humor Columnist from New York" Even when I'm fall-down drunk, I am usually not willing to show my bare boobs to any random stranger. But when one handsome internet Humor Columnist comes along, gives me the ride of my life with every word on the screen, and then asks the ladies to send him pictures of our boobs, I can't help but comply. That's the first sign that he's a truly gifted man. Humor Columnist not only speaks truths that others are afraid to speak, but he does so in a manner that puts a smile on my face and a quiver in my thigh. He claims to be chubby and undesirable, but anyone who has seen his CampusHook pics knows that he's just trying to cover for being so adorable. He also says that he doesn't have the best of luck with the ladyfolk, but anyone who doesn't love himfor the adorably funny Irish hotness that he is""is a total hagslut. If Humor Columnist ever stopped writing, I would have little motivation for visiting the website that hosts his columns. Oh, Adorable Humor Columnist from New York, I LOVE YOU!
*Author's Note: While Ashleigh may have capitalized certain words in her entry, I do not feel I am equal to God" yet. Also, Ashleigh has fantastic breasts. Finally, she better not be talking about Neil Janowitz (author of "A Life in the Day")
Well, that's all for the Love List. Join me next week when we return to the usual "hateful" format. Please send your submissions for the Famous Hate List to email@example.com. Thank you and, once again, I Love You (until next week when I'm back to hating you).