From time to time I like to team up with other talented, funny, attractive, and otherwise amazing people. This happens to be the case today as you are reading the first installment of TRUMORS. TRUMORS is a joint effort between myself and Timmy Mullowney: boozehound, womanizer, international jet setter and Saint Tropez's most infamous playboy. Timmy began this column a year ago, wrote one issue then drank too much to ever write another one. But thanks to my lack of creativity, I have resurrected this gem for "A Word From The Streets." Welcome to the first installment of TRUMORS.
*BTWMFers, To those of you who cannot wrap your lips around the title of this column, let me explain it to you. TRUMORS are rumors that may or may not be true. You see, by taking the choice pieces of the words "true" and "rumors" we have created a new word" a better word. A word for this column, a word for the ages, but mostly, a word for the people.
1. Michael Jackson wrote and produced The Baha Men's classic hit, "Who Let Da Dogs Out?" Michael, on a holiday in Jamaica, heard the then unsigned Baha Men performing on a street corner and was instantly compelled to fly them back to the United States and went straight into the studio. The creative process ran its course quickly and within three weeks a polished gem was produced. Along with writing and producing the track, Michael lends his audio talents as a backup singer for the infectious chorus; barking like a dog. The Baha Men were not content to be Jackson's "wunderkind" and insisted he use a pseudonym for the production, writing, and singing credits. Jackson decided to go with Peter Penisei.
2. The voice that says "Printing Started" when you print a document on your computer belongs to none other than Leonard Nemoy; that's right, Mr. Spock himself. All you "trekies" put that picture of your sister down and get your hand out of your pants because we've got news for you. Tied up in an outrageous gambling debt from the early 90s, Mr. Nemoy was hard up for some quick scratch. Thankfully, longtime Trek watcher and multi-billionaire Bill Gates offered to lend a hand. Gates proposed a lifetime contract to the tune of one million dollars for the coveted voice over spot. Nemoy, thankful to keep all his fingers, accepted. However, the voice that says "Trouble communicating with the printer" does not belong to Nemoy. That voice belongs to William Shatner.
3. The Beer Bong is actually an ancient wedding toast! At the height of the Roman empire, wine was all the rage. Sure the Romans liked to drink a lot, but they saved their best drinking method for the sacred wedding rights. During the all day wedding ceremonies a pure white sheep was made to drink gallon upon gallon of wine. After toasts to Bachus had been made it was time to celebrate the holy union between man and woman. The high priest would slay the intoxicated sheep and tenderly remove it's bursting bladder. The guests would all raise their chalices and shout "Ibus Merrimentus Maximi!" and the priest would hold the bladder over the newly betrothed. Taking the sheep's urethra in hand, the groom would guzzle down the entire contents of the bladder bag. Thus the beer bong was born.
4. Ever wonder why men have nipples? I know I do and Timmy does to. Sometimes we sit around and discuss the matter all night. Well, luckily we have found the answer; men can make breast milk! With enough prodding, twisting, and sucking, men can produce the same stuff as Mrs. Milkbag can. Nobody knows if the tit juice has enough nutrients to feed a baby but what a cool party trick. "Hey guys, watch THIS" Squirt!." You could even use this little trick for monetary gain. Which one of your friends would believe that you, a healthy man, could make up to a pint of milk in one shot? Take "'em for all they've got and maybe even shoot a little in their eye for laughs.
5. Ashton Kutcher did porn before landing a role on "That 70s Show." I don't care what "Driven" says, Kutcher was not discovered just walking around looking sexy. It all started when Sandy Hampton picked up a copy of "Iowa Meat," a ladies intrest magazine. That particular issue featured a six page spread of a young Ashton stretched out over various pieces of farm equipment" NUDE! He's been wearing those trucker hats a lot longer than you know; the picture on page 17 shows him in a dirty John Deere Cap" and only a John Deere cap. Hampton tracked Kutcher down and signed him as a model and he went on to win Iowa's "Meat of the Month" contest. The rest, as they say, is HIStory.
Timmy and I would like to thank you for taking the time to read our first issue of TRUMORS. Remember, TRUMORS can be a great way to break the ice, make new friends, get a job, get out of a test, and sometimes get you laid. Some may be rumors, some may be true, but they are all TRUMORS.
Tim can be reached at Ramathorn2002@yahoo.com, so email him and say hi.