Hey you, that's right, you. Do you have a minute? Great, because I have got some great news for you. You're in college, right? I knew it. Tell me, are you happy with your body? I didn't think so. I know how you're feeling; I was once like you too. I used to look at all my fellow students walking around in hoodies and sweat pants and feel so left out because my body wasn't fat. College is all about fitting in, correct? So why don't you sit down with me and I'll show you how to get that perfect college body you've always been after.
This new diet and exercise plan is absolutely amazing. It not only targets your body, but also your mind as well; giving you not just the appearance of a college student, but the mindset of one too. The first step, as with all fitness programs, is diet. You need to be putting the right gas in the tank, if you know what I mean.
There is only one rule and it's a simple one; if it comes out of a box, bag or jar it's ok to eat. I know what you're thinking; "but Streeter, I really like fresh salads." You know what I have to say to that? Grow a pair. You're never going to get the appearance of a college student eating salads. Instead, why don't you try a nice bowl of Top Ramen or Easy Mac? They're both completely devoid of nutritional value and they promise to pack on the pounds real quick. Don't like noodles? How about some nice pizza? And if you get it delivered you kill two birds with one stone: Maximizing caloric intake while minimizing physical output. By following this diet, you will be looking like a college student in no time.
But to truly be a student, you must think and act like one too. It may seem daunting to try to change your mental state, but when you break it down as I have done here, it is not so hard. To think as a college student, you must always approach every situation with one question in mind; "is this ABSOLUTELY necessary?" Say you have a class coming up, ask yourself, "is this absolutely necessary?" and you will see that it is not. Should you shower today? Is it absolutely necessary? No, no it is not. Basically, by handling every situation on a do-or-die basis, you eliminate hundreds of hours of unnecessary activity. Such things as waking up, cleaning oneself, taking tests, studying, and talking to your roommates become completely unimportant when approached from this angle. Of course, certain things that may not be absolutely necessary must still be done: hooking up, drinking alcohol and playing videogames. But that's just common sense.
I hope you'll join me. I can promise you this; if you follow this plan for one month's time, you'll be looking and feeling just like a college student. You'll be wearing sweat pants all day, eating unhealthy food, and probably be sick too. No expensive pills, no fancy equipment this is the plan for you. So, get rid of that six pack, put down that toothbrush, and join us. And always remember, mayonnaise doesn't have to be a condiment" it can be a whole meal.