If the hate list were a person, it could buy you some beer now. Welcome to the 21st installment of the Famous Hate List. Last time, we dabbled in Love a bit but now it's back to the same old trusted formula" pure, unadulterated HATE!
*If you would like to let your friends and family know what a hateful ass you are, send your submission to email@example.com
The Car Musician: Sometimes at the Hate List, I have to write about things I do that bother me when other people do them. For instance, I don't mind when I take a sip of your drink, but when you do it to me, I hate you. Call me a hypocrite, but you know you do it too. This is the case with the car musician. I understand how tempting it is to play every instrument on various pieces of the car and your passengers, but keep your hands off me. Do I look like a fucking keyboard or a snare drum? No, I didn't think so. So why do you insist on playing that sweet drum solo all over my shoulder? Plus, when I play instruments on my car, at least I do it in time with the music. Maybe someday you'll get a record deal, maybe you'll get hired by some band to play air-banjo, but for now" I Hate You!
My Plant: My Mommy bought me a plant a little while ago. I put it in my office to clam me down when I write these columns. For about half a minute after she left, the plant was fine. Now, it appears someone has been siphoning off the water I put in it. Listen up plant, I give you all the water you want (but not too much), I take the dead leaves away and I even put you right next to the window. But was that enough for you? Apparently not, since you keep dying. What the hell am I supposed to do with you? You drop more and more leaves everyday, littering up my carpet, and you look like shit. Have you been getting into my heroin stash? Because that's what you look like. Just do you job and grow, you lazy ass fern. If not, I'm throwing you out the window where you can live a happy life as some homeless man's toilet paper" I Hate You!
Water Wanda: Ok, let me put this to you; are carbon molecules different in Asia than they are here? As far as I know, they are not. You can apply this logic to almost all elemental things (I think). So when I go to the store to get a bottle of water, I don't much care what brand it is. But Water Wanda does. She won't drink anything but Dasani water, as if there is some difference. You're right, Wanda, the people over at Dasani have a secret source where they get the absolute finest water on earth. IT'S FUCKING WATER! It's pretty hard to fuck up. The next time we go to the store and you pull that "Oh, they don't have Dasani, I'll just go next door." I'm taking a bottle of Poland Springs and shoving it up your ass, you picky, snotty bitch" I Hate You!
Reader Jeremy A. really hates: Car Dwelling Assholes. These are the people that think they own the fucking road and bikes don't belong there. Look at the fucking laws self important asshole who thinks any road delay is a good reason for a declaration of war. Not only are bikes dangerous for pedestrians while they are on the sidewalk it is also fucking ILLEGAL. And as for Katherine who believes the helmets and hand signals are stupid why doesn't she take her head out of her ass and realize the hand signals are turn signals so you don't run into them and the helmets are for the fucking retards that don't know what the hand signals mean. For all those bike haters get your lazy ass out of the car and try to keep up with a biker hopefully another one of you assholes will leave some tire treads on your face since you don't know the hand signals or wear a helmet. I HATE YOU!!!!!!
*Bike anger, so hot right now.
Reader Dan K. really hates: The far too rich Boss/Ceo: The guy who owns or runs the company, who has far too much money, and doesn't realize that everyone isn't as disgustingly filthy rich as him. Scenario: "Bob" the CEO informs he is buying a new car, (in addition to his $85,000 Benz), and is getting the iPod hookup custom installed. He suggested I do the same, and asked me what kind of stereo system I have in my car. "Bose is garbage" I was informed. Then pay me more money you rich fuck. "Bob" then tells me he wants me to hook up internet in his Hamptons home, so he can be on the internet while in his pool house. My yearly salary is almost as much as your regular paycheck. Way Too rich Boss/CEO, I hate you.
Reader Jon C. really hates it: when people are like say something in Chinese! First of all it's Mandarin you dumb shits. Second of all if I had granted each and everyone of your requests I'd be sick of speaking it. And no, just because I have dark skin and slanted eyes doesn't mean I know karate, I play football for godsakes I'm as white-washed as it gets. Damn ignorant assholes, I HATE YOU!!
*Author's Note: I do, however, know karate.
Reader Nicole really hates: people who seem to remember everything that happened in the past while being drunk. These people will remember what pants you wore, what parking lot you fucked in, hell even what you built with your legos at age 6, and they seem to have to talk about these memories each time they drink. But what really would bite off my balls if I had them is the fact that this person cant remember their god damn name, directions to the shithole they call home, or how much they've supposedly had to drink that night, and if you ask them about their trip down memory lane the next morning they have no fucking idea what the hell you're talking about. Why these douchebags feel the need to remember everything while all I am trying to do is get drunk and FORGET about everything, I don't know, but I am gonna give you a fucking black eye and see if you remember that the next morning you living in the past faggot, because I REALLY HATE YOU.
Reader Erin S. really hates: The Personality Liar: I hate the girl who thinks that just because the guy didn't really like her, her friends can't enjoy the company of that someone. You are the one who amped your 'relations' with the guy to the point that he was scared shitless and had to run away from you in the first place. You can be one of my closest friends, but let the other girls do what they want. And don't talk about the guy because you know how 'bad' he is and how much he is going to hurt our other friend. I guess since he didn't like you, you feel she shouldn't/can't chill with him either. And stop complaining in front of her and threatening you are gonna go get some pot, cigs, or liquor and drug yourself up when you hear things you don't like. You are screwing yourself up. They are friends. STOP lying about what happens between you and someone else. We all know when you are playing shit up! The crew still loves you, just stop the drama bullshit.
*AN: This reader failed to include the mandatory "I hate you" clause at the end of the rant, so I will add if for them" I Hate You!
Reader Joseph H. really hates: MUSIC STUDENTS (as seen through the eyes of a music student) If you come to a place called Berklee College of Music in Boston, you'll see a lot of college students who don't fully fit the mold. We don't have frats, we don't have any sports teams, hell we have no campus. But that's where the differences should end, really. We still have parties, we get drunk, and it's a great time. But a lot of students MUST stay different. IN EVERY FUCKING WAY!!! Girls wearing the most bizarre gigantic Dracula boots with 20 piercings in their ear and five in their eyeball just because "they don't want to be like everyone else." Guys dressed up like Prince, complete with the puffy shoulder jacket and make-up. And they have the nerve to look at me as if I'm insane to be wearing jeans that fit nicely and a shirt that doesn't have some obscure independent film reference on it. Guess what? We all look the same because we're fucking HUMANS! Anybody who has to force themselves to LOOK different doesn't have a personality worth respecting, and I FUCKING HATE YOU!!!
Joseph also hates: The Ex-girlfriend who can't get over it ("Yeah, I guess I remember ") yeah, you had a great relationship with this girl back in high school. It lasted a few years, and it went to hell. You go to college and get what you were missing that whole time maturity. You can look back and see it for what it was, you understand that you both fucked up, but it's over, and you can go on with your life. And you see this girl every now and then, and you treat her so nicely, even though you'd love to shove every single mistake she ever made in your past relationship down her throat until she vomits on her own sudden self-loathing but she can't bring herself to even admit that you ever had a relationship in the first place! You mention some funny thing that happened at some party senior year, but since it happened during your relationship, she "guesses she remembers" and shrugs so you think she doesn't remember it. FUCK YOU IT WAS TWO YEARS OF YOUR LIFE unless you have multiple personalities (which, in hindsight, would not surprise me), you remember it. Just swallow your pride, admit we had some cool shit going on, and get over it. We're not dating now, you don't need to stay a bitch to me. But since you won't heed my advice, from now on "I guess you'll remember" ..that I fucking HATE YOU!
Finally, Reader Seth H. really hates: "Guitar-Guy Gary": A real "Gary" without the "r," this fucking douche hole finds it necessary to bring his guitar to every party he attends. Who gives a shit that you can play "Free Falling" to a bunch of drunken coeds at some house party, most of us would rather hear some beats from a large stereo system while we try to get on the latest class of freshmen girls. Listen, I play guitar but I would never bring my $500 instrument to a party cause I am not a fucking John Mayer-wannabe fruitbar who has to be the center of attention and probably sucks anyways. Truth is I could take that guitar and outplay your ass any day but I don't because I would never be that starved for attention. Instead I want to take your guitar and shove it so far up your fucking ass you faggot, go to hell .I Hate you!!
That's all the hate for this week. Make sure to join us again and share the hate. For the Famous Hate List, I'm Streeter Seidell saying goodnight to America.
*Remember, if you want your hate to appear in the Hate List, email your submission to firstname.lastname@example.org