I am wrought with pain, loneliness and anxiety. I feel as if the whole world is against me. Last night, I ate chocolate frosting out of the canister and listened to Lisa Lobe while drops of salt and water sank into my lavender duvet cover. It is not hard to guess that I am going though a breakup. There, I have admitted it. It is on this page for all to see. Fellow readers, I feel it is my duty to share this experience with you so that those of you who have had similar woes can take solace in the details of my tormented journey.
Okay, the truth is I am not really going though a break up since . . . well . . . I am very much single. But, I am ending a kind of, well . . . sort of relationship. (No, Fabrizio I will still be calling your 900 number, calm down) I am breaking up with the guy I flirt with at work. MY WORK FLIRT IS LEAVING ME FOR ANOTHER JOB!
Now there may be a few questions I need to answer such as:
Q: Mindy, what is a workflirt?
A: Workflirt: pronunciation key (wûrkflûrt)
a person you flirt with at a place of work in hopes of sex, gratuitous touching, emotional fulfillment, or entertainment on a dull day.
workflirting like a charm
To function very well or have a very good effect or outcome while flirting with someone at work
workflirting (one's) fingers to the bone
To labor extremely hard; toil or travail at flirting with someone at work
workflirting both sides of the street
To engage in double-dealing, to be duplicitous when flirting at work. Ie. A (your name here) sandwich.
See combinations of similar words: job + alone + cleavage + hair flip + computer+ lonely + labor+ miniskirt+ phone+ shave+ pout+ heels + single + whore + vocation
Q: Mindy, you work during the day? I thought you were a stand-up comic?
A: Yes I do stand-up comedy at night, but I pay most of my rent working at XXX XXX during the day. (I've unfortunately realized that not all stalkers are illiterate)
Q: Mindy, thanks for the good times last night, am I really your favorite fan?
A: You're very welcome. I always enjoy combining my favorite foods with my favorite positions, and I consider you one of my most . . . enthusiastic fans. Good luck with high school this fall.
So, my workflirt is leaving me for another job. When he first told me he was leaving I thought,
"Mindy, this is all your fault! You have completely failed at making this relationship work."
Then I thought,
"Mindy, it's not you, it's him. He is only breaking up with you because he wants a better job."
Then I thought,
"Mindy, he is not breaking up with you because you were never going out. He is not your boyfriend he is your workflirt. So pull yourself together you lonely, pathetic, emotional, excuse for a twenty-four year old woman!" As I thought this last reprimanding thought, I physically punished myself with light slaps to my buttocks, which, I confess, I really enjoyed. Yet, my enjoyment was short lived. I realized that soon I would have nobody to flirt with at work. How would I get though the day without slutting myself out for a male co-worker? How would I survive? I decided I needed to find a new workflirt.
It was a rainy Wednesday afternoon, and I was feeling a bit lascivious and desperate. I approached the new guy who now sat at the desk of my fleeing workflirt in hopes that he would succumb to my wanton ways.
Mindy: (sauntering over to him with a seductive smile) Hi.
Guy Whose Name I Don't Know Who Might Be My New Workflirt: Hey.
Mindy: How's it going? (crossing arms over chest to create slight cleavage)
GWNIDKWMBMNW: (staring at his computer) Ah, ok I guess.
Mindy: Whatcha doing? (walking behind him and leaning over so breasts are lined up with his vision perfectly)
GWNIDKWMBMNW: Returning some e-mails. (looks up quickly, seems unimpressed and not aroused)
Mindy: Fun! (Itches a non-existent itch underneath her breastbone)
GWNIDKWMBMNW: Yeah, um . . .have a good day.
Have a good day? Have a good day?! He might as well have said, "I had fun at dinner tonight, and I'm so glad to have another friend in the city. Take care." Have a good day! He completely dismissed me.
At first I thought it was him. Maybe he really likes to work, or maybe he has a girlfriend, or maybe he is gay. Yet, as our past encounter repeatedly played out in my mind, I began to shift the blame. It was me. I was a bad flirt. Yet, how can that be? With my old workflirt I was on fire. Bang, bang, bang, one good line after another. I was an amazing and lovable flirt. And that is when the truth slapped me across the face like a pimp to his runaway hooker. I have never succeeded or enjoyed flirting before meeting my workflirt. I gasped for air as I comprehend reality. My workflirt is the only guy with whom I can flirt. He is the only man who will ever be able to bring out my inner flirt. After he leaves, I will be subjected to awkward conversations and unnoticed hair flips at work . . .and for the rest of my life.
Ok, so perhaps I am being a tad dramatic. Perhaps it is irrational of me to think that there is only one man out there who enables me to flirt with freedom and skill. I have to hope that we have more than just one person out there for successful flirting, dating and procreating. So maybe I am not destined to spend the rest of my working days alone and untouched. Maybe my one true workflirt is still out there. Until then, I'll take solace in Lisa Lobe, my canister of chocolate frosting, and practice bringing out my inner flirt all by myself.