Rick Perry: Governing Texas. Which is to say: pretending the EPA doesn't exist; firing revolvers into the air for the state's weekly Alamo remembrance ceremony, which is observed by firing revolvers into the air; executions; saying things about Jesus; relaxing at his hunting lodge, the one that says "N*****head" on it and which he never really apologized for having; executions.
Rick Santorum: He wakes up early. He opens his front door and breathes the fresh Pennsylvania air. A bittersweet tear drips from his eye as he looks back on a campaign that, while unsuccessful, was run with integrity and honesty. Then he lights a burning cross on a gay family's lawn.
Newt Gingrich: He's old, yes. Still, he's probably got a little adultery left in him. (In between that, he'll have to work off all his campaign debt maybe by charging money for adultery somehow?)
Michele Bachmann: Remember how she said that thing on television about how inoculations cause autism? And then the scientific community offered a large cash reward for anyone who could actually prove it? And how nobody could prove it because it's not true? And how her campaign failed immediately after states actually began voting? She's forgotten about it thanks to all the mind-blowing sex with Marcus.
Herman Cain: After quietly abandoning plans to build a spaceship, he went on a walkabout through the Australian outback. There he encountered the soul of Ronald Reagan, which had taken the form of a tumbleweed, but which assured him that if he took ninety-four paces north-by-northwest he would uncover the lost tomb of the you know what? Fuck it. The guy didn't know China had nukes. Nothing will sound crazier than that.
Ron Paul: He hasn't actually dropped out, and his campaign strategy remains the same: stay true to yourself and never compromise your principles. Also, lose badly.
Chris Christie, Tim Pawlenty, and Jon Huntsman: They've formed a book club. It's for people who never entered the race or who were never taken seriously as contenders. They just finished their first novel, The Giver, but Pawlenty didn't understand it and said a world without color doesn't make sense.
Bob Dole: It's been nearly twenty years since he's run for anything, but he did about as well as Bachmann. Why not include him?