Martha Stewart Living?
Winter 2004/5 Catalogue
Hi, I'm Martha Stewart. I'm so glad you have taken some time to pursue my new catalogue. Inside you'll find a lot of exciting items that reflect my "new" lifestyle. Let's take a look"
Martha's Signature State Issue Jump-Suit: You'll never need an introduction when you're wearing this eye-catching number. This one piece slip on is perfect for the rec yard and the weight room. The bright orange color is complimented and personalized by the addition of your very own identifying number. Whether you're going for a casual stroll down to the shower room or getting all dolled up for your "friend" at the end of cell block C, this is the garment for you. Martha's Signature State Issue Jump-suit also has plenty of room to accommodate ankle trackers and 14 different models of leg shackles. Never leave your cell without this classy piece! Seriously, don't leave without it; they'll shoot you.
Martha's Signature State Issue Jumpsuit: Available in Orange. One size fits all. Machine wash warm. $79.99
"'San Quentin'-style Toothbrush Shank: You can never be too clean" or too careful. This multi-purpose tool is a great addition to your cell which promises to spice up a dreary toilet area in no time! One part hygienic instrument, one part vicious weapon, the "'San Quentin"-style Toothbrush Shank is a perfect fusing of usefulness and style. Each Shank is filed down by hand to an impossibly sharp point with care and patience to make sure you get the sharpest plastic point possible. It fits easily through most cell bars and can be easily concealed in many garments (see: Martha's Signature State Issue Jumpsuit). On the other side, this product offers unparalleled tooth cleaning capabilities which 4 out of 5 prison dentists recommend. Cross bristle technology even makes it possible to get those hard to reach places in between teeth! So whether you want a bright, clean smile or just to stab a guard in the stomach, the "'San Quentin'-style Toothbrush Shank is for you!
"'San Quentin'-style Toothbrush Shank: Available in Blue, Yellow, Clear, and Honeysuckle. Caution: Extremely Sharp. $8.99
Martha's "'Cozy Corner'? Sheet Set: Concrete walls can get a little cold so why not wrap yourself up in a set of these wonderful sheets. Available in a soft "Alcatraz Gray", these sheets are fitted to accommodate all you're comfort needs. Made with some of the finest polyester/cotton fabric, these sheets can withstand the intense heat and pressure of prison washing machines. Martha's "'Cozy Corner'? Sheet Set comes with a mattress cover, a top sheet and a special blood-proof laminate that's sure to have your bunk looking clean and unsuspicious when the warden comes by. Snuggle up with Martha and her "'Cozy Corner'? collection every night and make that 6×8 box feel a little more like the home you won't see for a very long time.
Martha's "'Cozy Corner'? Sheet Set: Available in "Alcatraz Gray." Machine wash warm. $97.98
"'The Outdoorsman' Zip Gun: Nowadays we could all use a little security and peace of mind. That's why Martha Stewart brings you "'The Outdoorsman' Zip Gun. This fashionable item is composed of two parts: a rolled-up magazine and a nail. Separate, they are useless but together they prove to be one of the most efficient ways to dispatch a nosey inmate. No cell should be without this item. Best of all, when inspection time comes, "'The Outdoorsman' can be easily disassembled and appear to be a normal magazine. Never worry about "Cinnamon Sally" again; you've got "'The Outdoorsman' now.
"'The Outdoorsman' Zip Gun: Available with your choice of magazine: "Martha Stewart Living", "Home and Garden", "Beautiful Homes Weekly", or "The New Yorker." $25.99
"'Marty', Martha's Friendly Rodent: Miss your friends and family? Why not purchase Marty the prison pet? Available in rat, mouse or lemming, Marty is a perfect friend in a cruel world. He'll remind you that someday you will once again taste the precious freedom that this society has taken away from you. Plus, he's great fun! Marty is trained to perform over 3 tricks such as "sit" and "get the keys." Lay down every night knowing that just a few feet away is your only friend left in this dark world! Whether you carry him around in your pocket, feed him scraps of food, or crush his little head with your massive, retarded hands, Marty is the pet for you.
*Warning: "'Marty', Martha's Friendly Rodent may transmit fleas, disease and plague.
"'Marty', Martha's Friendly Rodent: Optional 1 year warranty against death and/or accidental crushing available. Do not microwave.
$95.99 (with warranty)
Please make all orders out to Martha Stewart (inmate #1627-S887), C/O Danbury State Penitentiary. 198 Riverfront Place. Danbury, Connecticut 10258
*Accepted Payment Methods: Check, credit card, cigarettes (Newport Lights)