Ah, College
"How Matt pissed off everybody"

Let it immediately be said that I support America and the democratic process as a whole. At the same time, I find politics very boring. There is simply too much information to read through without falling asleep. I like to avoid such political information sources as "the news," "popular opinion," and "reality." Some might call this
irresponsible and stupid. I call it being a Republican.

In the interest of informing the public of the state of politics and (more importantly) meet a column deadline, I will oversimplify the entire campaign to the point of stupidity. In the end, both parties will hate my guts. A new era of cooperation will begin in America as I'm beaten to death by an angry (but bi-partisan) mob. But at least I met my deadline.

The first thing I want to say about this election. Democrats, stop citing the fact that George W. Bush looks like some kind of monkey as a reason to vote for Kerry. Sure, there are a lot of things to consider, like domestic and foreign policy. But when I'm in that voting booth, I think about the hard issues – what animals candidates resemble.

While we're on physical appearance, is John Kerry okay? He looks so pale and thin. Would someone please give him a hot meal or something?

The second thing is that this is the hardest election of all time to care about. One of them gets to run America. And the loser gets to enjoy his (or his wife's) fortune and play golf. I don't even know why these guys are running for President. It's a multi-billion dollar pay cut for both of them.

Because Bush and Kerry are so rich, it's hard for them to identify with your "average Joe." Which is even worse when it comes to college students. Me, I'm so far in debt I can't even identify with your "average Joe," what with his clean shirts and shoes that have soles not made of duct tape. Stuck up jerk…

Issue number three is Iraq and Afghanistan. Should we be there? I don't know. But we went into both countries and removed a few unsavory characters. Maybe the world is a better place. Especially dissolving the Taliban. If nothing else, those guys can shave and now there are fewer people on earth with more facial hair than me.

Okay. So we pissed off the entire world in the process. That was bad. Out of any six billion people we could have gotten angry at us, we probably picked the worst group. But everybody has off days, right? Let's not nitpick every little thing Bush does, okay?

Kerry, on the other hand, seems to want wars to end. And that's a noble thing. But there's one question you have to ask yourself: Do you really want world peace? And is it worth having Bush step down and not having those clever "Bush-isms" daily calendars anymore? I think not, friends.

Issue four is the economy. Eh. Both Kerry and Bush don't really cater to me. I'm about as much of a multi-millionaire company-owner as I am a minority. We'll call this a tie. No matter who wins, I'll be looking at a four-year wedgie in terms of taxes.

I hope this column has touched on some of the issues that are important to you voters out there. If not, I hope at least a couple people got a good laugh out of all of it. Sure, politics isn't something people should necessarily take as lightly as I have. But with all the campaign crap I see on the nightly news and filling the newspaper, I figured it was time somebody stopped caring.

So, who am I voting for? I'm a Republican all the way. Come Hell, high water, or George W., I stay my ground. Bush isn't my favorite person in the world, but the only positive Kerry seems to have going for him is the fact that he's not Bush. Frankly, "Vote Kerry – I'm not Bush" as a campaign slogan isn't exactly awe-inspiring.

This is, of course, assuming I bother to vote at all. I don't think I'm intelligent enough to pick the leader of the free world. I'm just marginally smart enough to pick "American Idols."