My clothes are filthy, my plant is dead,
I've got lice living on my head.
The dishes are dirty, the floor is unclean
The sink is caked in shaving cream.

My wallet is empty, my bed is unmade
My T-Shirt is stained with red Gatorade.
The bathroom is smelly, the shower doesn't work
The nice wooden floors are covered in dirt.

There's dust on the TV and dust on the floor
There's mold in the cupboard and a hole in the door.
The drapes are on fire and so is the rug
There's some kind of plant in the coffee mug.

There's pee on the seat and puke in the shower
There's a kid who's been dead for over an hour.
There are beer cans on the counters and on my bed
And that kid on the couch" yeah, he's still dead.

What a horrible place to live, I say.
I wish there was something I could do.
I guess I could clean or wash my clothes
But, then again, I don't want to.

There is only one who can save me now
Who can take away my frown.
No doubt it will be a glorious day
When Mommy comes to town.

She'll roll her eyes and sigh a bit
And tell me my home looks like shit
She'll say I look dirty and not to kiss her
And ask "why can't you be more like your sister?"

When I'm all done crying, I'll look up and smile
"Mommy," I'll say, "can you help me a while?"
Her eyes will forgive and her anger will stop
"Ok, honey," she'll say, "Where is the mop?"

In a flurry of motion and a flash of desire
She's dusted the furniture and put out the fire.
With rubber gloves on she'll tackle the bath.
Not a speck of mold will be spared her wrath.

When the cleaning is done and my clothes are all clean
She'll ask about money, the cash, the green.
"Mommy," I'll say, "I don't have that much.
I spent it on books and educational stuff."

"Oh my," she'll gasp, "I'm so sorry to hear."
And out of her wallet a checkbook appears.
My bank account bulging, I'll say that I'm starved
And she'll cook up a turkey, all freshly carved.

When Mommy goes home, I become very sad
The food was delicious and the money was rad.
My house is quite clean, I must say
And she called up the hearse to take that dead kid away.

My life will return to its previous ways
My sheets will get dirty and the rats will scurry around
And then I'll know that it's time once again
For Mommy to come back to town.


For my Mommy, who has cleaned up after me for 21 years and probably will forever more.