Oh my, the Famous Hate List sure is getting up there in age. Yet, the hate stays fresh and new. This week, we see hate from yours truly and a bunch of other bitter assholes from all over the world. Without further ado, here is the twenty-third installment of the Famous Hate List.
*Guess what? You can be a part of the Hate List. Just email your submission to firstname.lastname@example.org!
Internship Ian: Ok, you got yourself a good internship at some huge company. I'm very proud of you and I bet your family is too. But could you maybe just shut the fuck up about it? I don't really care what Larry from development had to say about the Anderson file. In fact, I don't know who the fuck Larry or Anderson is. Why can't you understand that I don't really think corporate accounting is exciting or funny? All Ian can do all day is tell stories about his "cool" internship and all the "awesome" people who work there. "Dude, the other day, me and Jenny she's from accounts receivable were in the business park and she told me that Winston from filing got so drunk the other night that he tried to make out with her. Can you believe that?" Shut the fuck up, you tool. Nobody cares about your work friends and chances are they're just 30 year-old burnouts who don't lead exciting lives anyway. It sounds like you have a bright future with Larry, Anderson, Jenny and Winston, but me" I Hate You!
My Dishes: I see you there, sitting in the sink. Am I going to wash you? Probably not. Why must you pile up so quickly? It seems like just when I finish washing you, you're dirty again. I guess I can be blamed for some of that, but you're the ones who get dirty, not me. Are you guys a bunch of babies? Can you not clean yourselves? Why am I relegated to the kitchen twice a week to rinse you off? Well, I can tell you this, you filthy dishes, when it's my turn to wash you; I just rinse you off with water and put you away. That's right; I'm not wasting any soap on you assholes. Why should I, you're just going to be dirty again in an hour. If you guys keep this shit up, you're getting replaced permanently with paper towels. You hear that, dishes" I Hate You!
Sleepy Samantha: Nobody likes going to class early in the morning. A lot of us don't like going to class at all, regardless of time of day. But going to class in the morning is made so much worse by Sleepy Samantha. She'll sit right down next to you and drop her bag heavily on the floor. Then she'll rub her eyes and yawn. That's when you know she's positioned to strike. "Oh my god, I'm soooooooooo tired." she'll say. "I hardly got any sleep last night." No shit? That's strange, I get 9 hours every single night of the week and have no conception of what it feels like to be tired. You dumb bitch, don't you realize that everyone is tired at 8 in the morning? Nobody in college gets any sleep so stop pretending like you're the only one. What do you want from me? A hug? How about a kick in the crotch. The worst part is Samantha's always ready with an explanation about why she is so tired. "I was up all night studying for my calc midterm." Weird, another concept I have no idea about? I don't know anyone who has ever crammed for a test all night? How interesting. Guess what, Samantha; you're not special and nobody cares that you're fucking tired because we all are. Maybe you'll be awake enough to hear this" I Hate You!
Reader Jon C. really hates: Emo fags. They are just downright poor excuses of men. Their music is clearly horrible. It takes no skill to play and their vocals sound as if they put a 16 year-old whose balls have not dropped to the mic and just had him whine about his small penis and ugly mug. They're music is more than music, it has evolved into a style, a trend if you will, that is taking over young Americans at a great rate it truly pains me to watch. Their taste in clothes is the worst, the hair and everything; not to mention they've officially killed tight pants. All they do is complain about life, cut themselves, and cry when drunk, fucking pussies. God I just want to snap their necks and put them out of their misery. I HATE YOU!!!
Reader Nicole really hates: Speed Limit Sam: I cannot stand the fuckers on the road who cannot just live a little and drive over the speed limit at a comfortable rate like everyone else. No you can't go 36 in a 35 Sammie can you? Why no, of course not because that would be against the law! Lucky me though, I get to be behind your law abiding ass don't I? And do you care that I'm hung-over, irritable, and late for my 8:05 class? No of course not, because you probably don't drink either and you probably are on your way to your 9:00 class but you just want to be early don't you?? I hate being behind you Speed Limit Sammie, you drive the speed limit and make it known to all of us behind you. And for the truly blessed ones who are in front of you, you're the asshole who when one person inches up about a centimeter, you too must inch your way up their ass to make sure that you are not going to be late. Thank god for that one centimeter or else you wouldn't have made it to your destination on time right?! Hell, now that you have inched up, you have time to stop for coffee and doughnuts too! But I can bet my last no-doz you'll be doing the speed limit the whole way there. So this is for you speed limit SHITHEAD because I HATE YOU!!!!!
Reader Carlos really hates: Richard the Fundamentalist Repugnican: So I'm having a hard time understanding why you feel that Christ all-mighty compels you to tell people to that they should vote for Bush because he speaks to God and he shares the same "good Christian values" that you do (yea I'm talking to you Mr. Stephen "making a filter" Baldwin.) Hmmm let's see. Oh yeah! Cause you're a pole-smoking, dingleberry nibbling, chode-sniffing, bible-humping gutter lunatic. Jumping fuckin Jehosaphat! How the fuck do you live with yourself? Bush doesn't have a single redeeming quality, yet you think he's the cat's ass. The man has lied to us for 4 years and you want more of the same? If Jesus were here right now, he'd staple your grundel to your forehead for being a such a stupid fuckbean. Do us all a favor go bury yourself in Bush's ballonknot, bring your bible, a warm blanket, and don't come out until "the Rapture." By the way, God hates you, Allah hates you. Jesus hates you, Buddha hates you, and and shit who am I forgetting? Oh yea I HATE YOU!
(Author's Note: Good use of insulting terms. See: Fuckbean, pole-smoking, and ballonknot.)
Reader Brent F. really hates: retail stores that do not sell shorts anymore in Florida b/c they are "out of season" These fucktards do not realize that it is still 80-90 degrees out during the day here in Florida. Yes it is October, and yes it is cold in other parts in the nation. But not here bitches. All I needed was a simple pair of khaki shorts for work so I wouldn't sweat my balls off while running around, but noooooo, Old Navy, Super Target, Ross, Sears all refuse to sell them to me. Take a step outside, is it cold yet??? NO! So get on the phone and order me a pair of god damn shorts fuckers! I Hate You!
Reader Sergio O. really hates: The bandwagon baseball fan. Every time October rolls around, there are certain people who decided that they are going to be rooting for "the underdog team" simply because they think its the cool thing to do. And when their team happens to beat your team, they make it their personal mission to hang banners, wear shirts, get hats, and put up witty away messages even though you have no affiliation with the city of the said team, nor have you even been to one of their games, you still act as though you have been for years. Only come next year, you forget about your team and I find all your "fan" paraphernalia in the local thrift store because it's not cool anymore. Here's an idea, stop being a fucking dumbass and start thinking for yourself for a change. Because a true fan doesn't bail out on their team every year unless they make the post season I FUCKING HATE YOU
Reader Justin C. really hates: Psychotic Bush/Kerry Supporters: These are the people who are zealously devoted to their candidate of choice and who will go completely out of their damn day to tell you just how great their candidate is and how much donkey nuts yours sucks. Shut the fuck up already! As if I didn't hear enough political bullshit every 5 seconds on the goddamn radio or tv! I simply want to drag my ass out of bed to try to make it to a class on time and I have to deal with you throwing buttons and stupid pamphlets in my face!? Shut the hell up and take the self-righteous stick out of your ass!!! These fuckbags feel the urge to vomit whatever "facts" they have about either candidate which may or may not be completely based on A) something their "smart, politically-aware" friend told them (read: some fuckface who knows as much about politics as a freaking cucumber), or B) From other similar fanatics who regurgitate the same bullshit with no regard to any idea of objectivity. I don't care who you support: Bush who has enough trouble getting a fucking point across, or John "I'm not Bush" Kerry. Get informed you assholes, or don't vote! This is also directed to the
MORONS who say stupid shit like, "if (insert name) gets elected I'm moving to Canada." SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!!! You whiny, politically-challenged ass! You couldn't pick that fucking country out on a goddamn MAP, let alone get off the free-ride your parents have given you in life to actually go! I say, go to Canada! Then we won't have to listen to your "I'm smart and cultured" BULLSHIT anymore! I hate this election and I HATE YOU!!!!!!
The drunkest hate list entry for the week comes from Kevan H. who wrote the following: I am a DJ at the hottest bar in Flagstaff (which is awfully low on the list of cool college towns) but Sweet Caroline is one of the hottest last songs that I could play.
speaking of which
I hate when you play "sweet caroline" or "american pie" or some Van Morrison
at last call and eventually somebody will come up and ask for "yeah" by usher
or some other played out hip hop track. Hey focker, this is a great song and
7/8 of the bar is singing along. Learn the fucking words. I hate you, you
non-great song loving motherfucker.
street, i am so drunk on a monday. i hope that was all coherent.
(AN: Despite the drunkenness, I believe I understand what you are saying)
The biggest hater of the week award goes to reader Heather F. who really hates the following people: Mr. Liar Liar Pants of Fire, hey asshole omission is still a lie you dirty bastard. You make me want to rip your damn lips off. You master manipulator, I despise you to an almost inconceivable degree. I am pretty sure I wouldn't drop my pants to piss on you to put the fire out. Asshole. Oh and stop calling me, bother your new girlfriend. I hate you!
Larry the late merger, screw you I won't let you in my lane. You saw the same signs 2 miles ago that I did. I am not afraid to run you into the construction barrels or hit your brand new BMW with my Sunfire, hell my insurance isn't much I might go out of my way to hit you twice. Fucking loser, I hate you!
Peter the Pompous Ass, brother to Larry the late merger, Hey fucker every time you mess with me on the phone you should keep in mind I may be a lowly secretary, but I am the lowly secretary at your attorney's office. I could fuck your life up. Yeah you know those contracts I was proofreading whoops, I didn't notice the opposing counsel gouge the interest on this deal and your attorneys missed it too. Oh well. And when you call asking stupid questions about your divorce- hello are you retarded??? Do you really want legal advice from a college student/secretary who gets paid 10 lousy bucks an hour?? I will give you 10 bucks worth of lousy legal advice asshole- the next time your wife hits you why don't you utilize the anger you have saved up for me and punch her in her fucking face? Then I can laugh when they drag your ass off to jail. You pompous jackass. Your attitude won't get you anywhere when you are spending the night downtown with the crack heads I really fucking hate you.
(AN: "A Word From The Streets" in no way endorses spousal abuse" even though it's warranted sometimes)
That's all the hate for this time. I'll be back again with a fresh batch of anger and a whole lot of bitter, bitter contempt. Till next time, this is The Famous Hate List saying" I Hate You!
Remember, you can be in the hate list too. Just email your submission to email@example.com.