Man, it sure has been a long time since we had a hate list. I apologize, I was ill for a bit and then I just didn't want to do anything because I got addicted to my cough syrup. But, after some time at a rehab center, I'm all better and back with fresh hate for all of you. Without further bullshitting from me, this is 24th edition of the Famous Hate List.
*Remember, you can be in the Famous Hate List, just email your submission to firstname.lastname@example.org and let the world know who pisses you off! Include your name and last initial plus your school.
Suffering Sam: Sometimes, we all feel like shit. You could be sick or you could have a lot of work to. Shit, your Dad could have just died. But no matter how shitty you have it, Suffering Sam has it worse, or so he says. When you feel like bitching a little bit and letting the world know what a shitty hand its dealt you Sam will always speak up. "Oh man, you think getting your wisdom teeth out is bad? I had to get a ROOT CANAL last year!" Hey asshole, it's not a fucking misery contest. I feel like shit so I'm going to talk about it. And I don't need your smiling ass piping up and talking about how you broke your leg three years ago, how your grandma died before you even knew her or how your midterm was WAY harder than everyone else's. Shut the fuck up and let me feel sorry for myself, you selfish bastard. Maybe, if there is a God in heaven, he'll give you the plague or ebola or something that would warrant the amount of pain you think you're in. Shit, maybe he'll even kill you" the ultimate thing to bitch about, you dickhead. Please, please, die" I Hate You!
Fat Fanny: Listen, I know I don't have the sexiest body around. Therefore, I don't act like I do. I don't wear muscle tees or walk around in tight little underwear. I have some compassion for my fellow man and don't subject him to that kind of thing. But not Fat Fanny. No, she is convinced that even though she's 345 Lbs, she's God's gift to men. She'll go out in skimpy little shorts, a tight little belly shirt and some seriously over-worked high heels. The worst part is she'll walk around like she's got the hottest body in the joint. She'll be spitting out attitude and shaking her sizeable ass all over the place. She'll act like she's too good to talk to you and say ridiculous things like, "I hope you know I'm not going home with you." Really? Thank fucking God! I don't think I could look at myself in the mirror if you did. I don't want to go home with you, you fat bitch. I was just talking to you so I could ask you to move over and let me get to the bar. I don't have a problem with fat girls at all. I'm fat and fat people gotta stick together. It's the fat bitches, like Fanny, that ruin it for the rest of us. Fanny, you fat disgusting freak, tuck your rolls up in the baby-tee, put some cream on the rash between your thighs and get the fuck out of my sight" I Hate You!
Marty the Movie Thief: Hmmm, I could have sworn I used to have a "Road Trip" DVD. I wonder where I put that? Oh wait, I remember where it is! Marty the fucking Movie Thief has it, along with 40 of my other DVDs. This dude lives in every dorm at every college. He comes off all innocent when he presents himself at your door. "Oh, Hey dude, do you mind if I borrow "Old School" from you?" You want to be a good person so you say "'no problem' and off he goes. Will you ever see your DVD again? Not likely. The only way to get a movie back from this asshole is to hunt him down in his room and interrogate him. "I don't think I ever borrowed that from you, man." He'll say. He might even go so far as to write his name on it so it appears as if he brought it from home. At that point, the only way to get your stuff back is to kill him. And he would deserve. He might also lend your movies out to other people so when you show up to get your copy of "National Lampoon's Vacation" back, he'll say, "Oh, sorry dude, I lent it to my girlfriend's roommate." Marty, I hope someone "borrows" your anal virginity in prison someday because, with your thieving ways, that's where you'll certainly end up. Give me my fucking copy of "Starsky and Hutch" back and don't even pretend it's not mine" I Hate You!
Reader Katie W. really hates: I really hate the close parker people. You all know them. The people who pull their car up so far to the stopper and park in between two big trucks that you get so excited when you see what you think is an empty spot that's actually close to your dorm. The least you could do is stick the butt end of your car out so I don't get overtly excited and step on the gas so no one else steals this seemingly amazing spot.
Close parker people, you are the killers of dreams you make me late for class and I blame you for the tickets that I have gotten because I refuse to park a mile away from my dorm" I Hate You!
Reader Rachel from Syracuse U. really hates: Sorority whore Sarah- I want to burn god damn hooded sweatshirt with her letters sewn on that you wear every day. All of your sisters have the same exact black sweatshirts with zebra striped letters and pink backgrounds. It's not that they don't make other styles or colors, it just that you are all backbone-less sheep that do whatever everyone else does. Under her sweatshirt is the infamous 'everyone loves a delta sigma sister' t-shirt. Let me tell you this bitch, not everyone loves a delta sigma girl. And their not your real sisters you moron. Don't fucking bore me with comments like "oh you're from Trumbull? I have a sister that lives there", first of all, why the fuck do I care? Unless she has free weed, or answers to the test, you're simply bothering me. Secondly don't tell me your "sister" lives there because she's not your real mother fucking sister. But I forget that the comment was not for my benefit, it was only so you could name drop your house and let me know that you think your better then me because your in a sorority, just in case the obnoxious sweatshirt advertisement wasn't enough of an announcement. Well listen you jappy, coke-head, Paris Hilton wannabe: Fendi, Coach, Gucci and Prada do not make up for your stupidy, big nose and Fran Dresher voice. You make a bad name for all girls everywhere especially the cute stoner chicks like me" I Hate You!
Reader Andy G. really hates: that jackass who, on the turnpike, for some reason decides to pull into the EZ pass lane, when low and behold, DOES NOT HAVE EZPASS!!! You dumb motherfucker, I guess those 20 foot tall blinking signs should have been more clearly pointed out to you. What's that??? Oh you are already up to the toll booth and realize that you don't have the pass?? Oh now you want me and the other three cars behind you to back up so you won't get a $30 fine??? Good luck asshole, cause there is no way in hell that I am moving for your stupid blind ass. If you can't realize that you are in the wrong lane, maybe you shouldn't be driving a car putting other motorist's lives at risk. You should be kicked in the shins over and over again for being born a complete and utter retard .I hate you and if you pull this shit again in front of me, just accept the fact that you will be getting a fine in the mail in about 60 days, unless you plan on backing over my car with me in it ..I hate you jerkoff, die slow
(Author's Note: I may or may not have done this many, many times.)
Reader Jay W. from Michigan really hates: Co-worker Carl, Carl can't shut the fuck up for one fucking minute can you. You don't get it do you, no one wants to hear about you or your totally fucked up off the wall stories. Your grandma invented the pop can, you cat can use the toilet, you were a striper in Chi town, Where the fuck did you come up with this shit. Oh, yeah the next time that I am on the phone and you say can I interrupt for just a sec, I am going to put my customer on hold and use the cord to choke the fucking life out of you. You are always saying how you keep your cubicle so clean, well if you spent 5 min out of the day in the damn thing instead of sucking the bosses ass or bugging the other co-worker, that oh yeah HATE your over weight, twitchy eyed, stinky breathed ass that would change and it would look just like all of our desks. BTW Carl the next time you think it is fun so pop every joint in your whole body at the same time and make that strange animal grunt afterward, don't every one around you is about to kill you for doing just that at least once every 5 or 10 minutes. So Carl from that depths of my hart and I think that I speak for all of the other co-workers (and the boss too, he can't stand you) WE HATE YOU, would you please leave, die, or just disappear or something.
Reader Mary really hates: it when I go home and random people like the Dressing Room attendant at Abercrombie or random High Schoolers see me with my school's hoodie on and say, "Hey, OMG, I like have so many best friends forever at Virignia Tech do you know (Insert list of names here)?" No you dumb bitch, I don't know your friends. This just in there are 27,000 people at my school I'm sorry I do not know your "BFF" or your girlfriend, or your boyfriend, or your mom's cousin's baby daddy mother's sister's dog walker, or your Abercrombie collar popping bastard friends. LEAVE ME ALONE! I HATE YOU!!!!!
Mary also hates: guys that go home and visit their High School like it's their job pretending to be "Mr.College 2004." Ugh, you pedophile stop hitting on 14 year old girls and try to get girls your own age oh wait you can't because every girl your age things you're a douche bag. You and your damn "COLLEGE!" Shirt real classy fucker, only a million other people have it too. And when you're sitting in the stands at a High School Football game and my sister comes home and tells me that you were doing Virginia Tech cheers in the stands BY YOURSELF and even SHE thought you looked like a fuckass that says something. That screams FUCKING LOSER who needs to get over himself I'm sorry you feel as though you have to compensate for your short-comings, but that doesn't change the fact that I HATE YOU!
Reader Ali S., who lives across the street from me and looks in my windows, really hates: Jenny "cell phone" at the bar. OBVIOUSLY you are too cool to be at the bar that you are at so you have to take all the calls that you receive from your bootycall/ best friend/ whatever to find a place that is for the love of god better than where you are right now.. I am sorry but don't be at the local spot if you feel like you are too good for it it is just too good for you so its not just me that hates you" I am sure I can list a few that would love to hate you.
Reader Mike P. from Holy Cross really hates: guys on the atkins diet who spend 45 minutes on the elliptical. There's these assholes at my school, holy cross, who wear sweatshirts and sweatpants to the gym and use the fucking girls' machines in an attempt to burn the most calories. Then I see these low self esteem pricks in the dining hall eating hamburgers without the fucking bun. This is America and any guy who eats hamburger without the bun should be shot in the face or forced to move to France" I Hate You!
(Author's Note: Okay, confession time. I'm on the Atkins and it rules. I've eaten a lot of steak and lost 27 Lbs. I, however, do not any exercise and the last time I went on an elliptical, I fell off and had to run out of the gym in shame.)
Reader Kelly W. really hates: The "NorCal-SoCal" Debators: A lot of the readers on this site seem to be from the East Coast, so they may not be familiar with this retarded type. These are the fucking people who have to sit around and debate what fucking part of California is cooler. Hey dumbasses, we all live in the same mother fucking state! You guys must be the fucktards who are still stuck on that whole proposal to split California into two states. That was like 10-15 years ago, get over it! I mean, honestly how old could you have been at the time. I'm from NorCal but I went to college in SoCal and still live here. Take it from someone who has lived a substantial amount of time in both halves, they're too fucking different to compare. Furthermore, these fucking douches have never even been to the opposing end's half. How are you going to fucking compare something without experiencing it? They both have their fucking positives and negatives. NorCal has a lot of open land and some places smell like cow shit, but where the fuck do you think most of the state's food fucking comes from?? It didn't magically appear in the store's produce section. And there are fuckin huge cities in NorCal too. SoCal has tons of beaches and Hollywood. Sure there's Beverly Hills, Bel Air, and UCLA. But there's also fucking Inglewood, Compton, and USC. Fucking own up to the fact that each side has its charm. But I forgot that these are also the same mother fuckers who probably have sticks up their asses about other shit as well. Oh no, I couldn't possibly open up my mind to the fact that there could be something better than what I already have. Fucking grow some balls and fucking explore other places loser. And while you're at it, why don't you try other states or gasp other countries. I swear I'm going to have to kick some ass if I hear another person say "NorCal (or SoCal) is waaaaay better." Here, I got you a gift to congratulate you on visiting NorCal/SoCal it's a bumper sticker and it says "everyone in NorCal and SoCal and I HATE YOU."
(Author's Note: Sometimes in New York City, we argue about which burrow is the best, but then we realize we live in New York City and that that's pretty cool as it is.)
Kelly also hates: The "I've-Got-You-Pegged" Guy: This mother fucker feels the need to tell me exactly who I am. And it's not even like it's his opinion; this dumbass thinks it's a fucking fact. Oh, you think that I pretend to be bad ass but I'm really just a sweet, innocent girl? Listen loser, I don't pretend to be bad ass, I know I'm not so why would I try? Yeah, that's a fucking rhetorical question. Maybe you're just comedically challenged and don't get that sarcasm isn't an attempt to be cool, but a sense of humor, a personality trait. Fuck man, stop reading into every fucking sarcastic comment I make like it's a fucking clue into my inner psyche. Hello?? If you stopped fucking talking for a split second you'd fucking know that I was a psych major, bitch. Yeah that means that
I know every little fucking mind game you're trying to play. Don't think that shit will work on me. Another favorite of mine is the "You put up walls and I have to try so hard to break them down." I don't give a fuck if I build the mother fucking Berlin Wall to drown out your fucking voice. The fucking wall will come down when I'm ready for the bitch to fall. Like, I don't know, maybe more than 5 minutes after I've fucking met you! We've hung out twice and suddenly you think you're fucking privy to every thought and feeling I have?? Wow, what you said was so profound I think I should totally hop into the sack with you! Oh wait, no loser I wouldn't, because any guy that's going to fucking try to prey on my insecurities or make me feel bad for not "opening" up to him in order to persuade me to have sex should be fucking castrated. Do you honestly think that if you can make my self-esteem low enough that I'll sleep with you to make myself feel better?? You must be a bigger crackhead than I thought. But hey, while you're at this whole emotional beating, why don't you start physically abusing me too. You twisted, sadistic, misogynistic fuckhead. Don't forget to read into this and tell me what you think of me when I say I HATE YOU!
Reader Brandon Y. really hates: liberal Larry- you're the one who cant get over the election and are calling it "fixed" in Florida, which if you look at the facts, could be the second most ridiculous statement of the year(first being John Kerry's "yes" reply to "Are you for or against Gay marriage?". One Liberal Larry who is Keith Olberman, who decided it was worth "looking into" on his television show, on the always balanced MSNBC. Oh ye liberal Larries, get over the election, sure JK may not be in the white house, but maybe if you had loaded a few more busses or filed a couple more lawsuits, maybe that wouldn't be the case. Always critical, yet never respectful of others view, today, Liberal Larry, I look down upon YOU. My hate extends far beyond just the man, I go to the source with this hate. NY Times, CNN, MSNBC, Dan Rather, Air America, Hollywood (especially chubby checkers Michael Moore) and most every other major news paper, and television station. As much as you spin things, we Americans are not as dumb as me may look. We got instincts, and this time around those instincts said G. Dubya. Get over it. I hate you Liberal Larry and I hate you more Liberal Media.
Reader Alana N. really hates: I really hate Judging John. He's that guy that comes out to a bar or to a party with you and spends the entire time looking like he needs a cup of prune juice. Hey douche-bag, maybe you'd have a few more friends and get invited to more stuff if you'd stop explaining to people why you think drinking is so wrong and how disgusting you think it is when people are drunk. Excuse me, why are you here? What's the point of coming to anything when all you're going to do is tell people you think less of them for hooking up with someone, or puking on the floor? Oh, right you have no social life of your own, so you latch onto your roommates and spend your time trying to make yourself seem somehow cooler than everyone else by standing in a corner looking like an asshole. Good job moron. When I want to be around a whiny-ass little bitch with a superiority complex, I'll call you. Until then, stay the fuck away from my party. I hate you!
And now, The Hater of the Week award goes to a man known simply as Josh. This is by far the longest Hate List entry I've ever had. Also, be forewarned, Josh is English and some of his spellings and words may be foreign to you.
Josh really Hates: I hate people who make bands specifically to get big and famous. I've been in several bands now and they all sucked, because everyone else in the band cared more about their "image" and name than the actual music. In fact, mostly I just hate my old band. "OOh, the battle of the bands is coming up, we might not win with our nirvana, blink 182 and rhcp covers, but gee, a record exec. might see us and we can get a deal." Listen you withdrawn enema, I MADE THIS BAND! I brought you lazy twats all together, can we get down and play now?? But no, instead you retards spend the time arguing over the band's name this week and bitching about your brothers, who at 14 are already more talented than you, and not so full of pretentious bollocks. Listen, stop bitching about the treble on your guitar, shut the fuck up, write a song and get a gig at a bar or pub with me, I don't want to be a rockstar, I just wanna make music. I hate teenage rockstars, I hate drummers who don't turn up to practices coz their girlfriends don't like the way I talk, I hate stinky hippies who can't play bass, I hate people who don't see that not letting me play marraccas through "smells like teen spirit" is lame, and I'll kick your ass. I hate smells like teen spirit. Anyway, What the fuck are you even doing here bitch You're not in the band, you're not my friend, you're the dumb blonde sitting in the corner who thinks wearing black converse and grown men crying is the last word in cool. Fuck you, I'm making my own band, with my girlfriend and all your brothers. We're called Barbie and the rockstars. Come see us, we're gonna be huge.
I also hate people who think that having ADHD is cool, and so pretend to have it. "OOh look at me, I'm so hyperactive, I can run around and jump off things and piss people off, but its ok, cause I HAVE ADHD!!! Goddamn it if you pesky kids don't settle down I'm gonna shove those vitamin tablets you're pretending are ritalin up your ass and teach you to behave the way my dad taught me, fetch you a good solid backhand. Hey look over there stevie-hyper-D! "wha?" smack yeah, slapping people is cool.
I hate my cat. In the last two weeks its puked in my room, and I found four shits. I don't even know when she did them, she hides them behind my sofa and flicks them up the wall so they're really hard to clean. She also knocked over a lamp while I was round my girlfriend's and it burned a hole through my leather jacket and my blanket and my sofa. The next day she just knocked it onto the floor and it smashed. Still, she has feline AIDS, so she'll die soon.
I hate my other cat, although I pity her quite a lot. She just sits in her bed all day, doesn't move, but as soon as you come near her she whores herself out in a crude attempt to get me to feed her more. Listen Jabba, I'm not feeding you again, you're twice the size of a normal cat, and anyway I lost your food.
I REALLY hate the girl I work with. Why do I get paid £4.10 an hour while I do all the work in the shop, while you sit your fat lazy ass behind the counter and get £5.60?? I got out a fucking ladder today to dust the top shelves, while you unwrapped yet another chicken and mushroom pie. I hope you choke you sycophantic ginger bitch.
I hate my bosses. Why can't I have a chair to sit on in the shop? its ok for the fat bitch, she rests on the radiator all day (its england, its freezing) but me, I'm 6'4" with bad knees, it hurts to stand up for 8 hours all day. Anyway, isn't that illegal? Oh yeah, that's right, you're employing me illegally so you don't have to pay tax. Get me a stool you cunts, or I'm gonna throw myself down the stairs and sue you. Maybe then you'll pay me minimum wage, or at least as much as tubby girl.
I hate my ex-girlfriend. You dumped me on my sixteenth birthday you callous hag!! How could you?! Not meaning to sound like I'm still hung up on you, but you also still have two of my dvds and my favourite (the misspelling stays b/c he's English) jacket of all time. hehe, yeah, but then I made your appendix explode. Ahhh that was funny. ( NB. I didn't make it explode per se, it was on its way anyway, but she dumped me and went home early, and didn't recognize the signs till it was too late.) hehe, yeah you nearly died. Whore. OH yeah! And you promised that I was the one you would lose your virginity to, and so did I, but then you dumped me, went off and fucked a scouser!?!(what the fuck is that?) Give me some dignity, please!? I hope he has herpes. I just realized you are directly attributable to the fact that none of my old friends talk to me, cause I got drunk and screwed my ex girlfr./ best friend at the time who still "loved" me. I hate you!
I hate my old school. Tell me this, do you think you could survive in a place called "Sir Joseph Williamson's Mathematical School for boys". I'm surprised I didn't kill any of those middle class pricks. I hate the students, I hate the teachers, I hate the poncey (What?) fucking tradition and history, and I hate the way that you cover over the one cool thing about Sir Joseph Williamson the man had miles and miles of underground tunnels built under Liverpool for him to get into other ppls houses and shag their missus Serial adulterers are cool. When I grow up I want to be a serial adulterer.
I hate modern music. It all sucks, there are so few original and exciting bands around these days. Take your fucking emo/screamo/weeno, nu-metal, shitty r'nb, gangsta rap and cookie cutter pop and, I don't know, leave me alone. You make me cry.
I hate my ex-best male friend who suddenly decided to be gay. I have nothing against gay ppl, but why must you all be camp!? Camp men are unattractive and annoying and girly. If you're gay, be a proper gay man, like that bloke from the village ppl in leather with a tache, or steel-workers or the army. Those are real men, real loving. Don't come out as gay then suddenly completely change the way you talk and dress and act, its just your sexuality not your personality you impressionable dipshit.
Thats enough vitriolic hate for now. Time for some love.
I love streeter, (YES!) my girlfriend, barbie and the rockstars, old kung fu movies wiggas, winkies and chiggers, all the music everyone else is too ashamed to say, old suits and trilby hats, the colour green, bacon, my collarbones, blunt skins and when I get paid.
Holy God, Josh is an angry young Englishman. I hope they aren't all like him or they'll take us over again. Well, that's all for now, join us next time when we have fresh hate from all over the world (seriously, it does come from all over the world). And remember, if you want to have your rant on the Famous Hate List, email me at email@example.com with you first name, last initial and your school. Till next time, have a hateful day.