Ladies and Gentlemen, the votes have been tallied and checked over twice. Without further ado, I present your winners for the Third Streety Awards. Thanks to all of you who voted.
Biggest Lips: Our first category was one of the closest. Hillary Duff showed some respectable numbers snagging 19% of the vote. Jenna Jameson did even better with 21% of the vote for her ahem nether parts. But the race came down to two very worthy adversaries. In the right corner we have Angelina Jolie: film star, goodwill ambassador and well-known full blown lunatic. In the left corner we have that guy from Forest Gump: African American, b-lister and the reason my Dad really likes buying shrimp. It was close but someone had to win and I am proud to announce that Ms. Jolie has taken the category. Congratulations Angelina, maybe to celebrate you can go make out with your brother!
Preferred Brand of Bottled Water: Well, I won't say that you guys have no class, but Fiji brand water didn't even make a dent in this category. It seems that none of you really want to pay $11 for a bottle of water. The clear (hahaha, get it?) winner was Poland Springs with 62% of the votes. Ol' Sammy's Bottled Cure-All Tonic also did well with 18% of the vote" not bad for an imaginary product. This category also produced some very angry write-ins, most noteably, "Seriously, who the fuck drinks water they pay for? It's called a tap, use it," and "if you pay for water, your (sic) a fuck." Well, sir, I'll have you know that I'm enjoying a bottle of Deer Park myself right now. So THERE!
Favorite Cigarette: As Budweiser claims to be the king of beers, so Marlboro claims to be the king of cigarettes. And you, apparently, agree. Marlboro Lights clenched the coveted Streety for this category beating out such worthies as Parliament Light and Newport. I was sad to see that Parliament Lights did not do as well since they are my preferred brand, but at least not too many of you voted for Camel Lights; the cigarette for assholes. I did receive a significant amount of write-ins for American Spirits, but since they lack tasty chemicals, I have chosen to ignore them. Also, like the previous category, some of you had strong feelings about this category saying such things as, "Smoking is for idiots" and "It doesn't matter what you smoke because you're still gonna die young." Thanks for that.
Favorite British Soccer (football) team: OLE, Ole ole ole ole! Nobody cares about soccer! Half of you and I'm not kidding half of you didn't bother casting a vote for this one. However, three of my English subscribers more than made up for it with their enthusiasm. "LONDON ARSENAL!" wrote one, "Anyone who says any different is a tosser!" Well, I wouldn't want to be a tosser, would I? But I guess some of you do because Manchester United won this category. I suspect that many of the votes for this team came from guys who saw "Eurotrip" or girls who have masturbated thinking about David Beckham.
Fattest Celebrity To Still Be Called "'Sexy': There are lots of fat people in America, me being one of them. The difference between me and the ones on my list is that nobody calls me sexy. But 41% of you thought that Kirsty Alley (or however you spell her name) still deserves this title. We all remember Kirtsy for her work on "Cheers" as a sassy barmaid and, more recently, as an obese turd who always seems to look pissed off in pictures. I was hoping that Meatloaf was going to win because I have been compared to him at various times, but let's face facts, Meatloaf was never sexy to begin with. Damn.
Medical Affliction That Will Most Likely Affect You In 20 Years: Well, my suspicions have been confirmed; you are all a bunch of drunks. By an overwhelming majority advanced pickling of the liver won this category with 63% of the votes. Menopause came in second place assuring me that there are some girls reading this (P.S. I'm single). One young woman cast her vote for all four of the categories making her officially the grossest person ever; a balding, gassy, menopausal alcoholic. Call me.
Singer Most Likely To Get Knocked Up: A lot of you misunderstood this category and pointed out to me that Clay Akien is actually a boy and can't get pregnant. You're wrong Aiken has a vagina and fully functioning ovaries. Isn't it obvious? But that is besides the point because 41% of you thought that Britney Spears was most likely to get knocked up. Granted, she is married now so her getting knocked up would be hard. She would have to get pregnant by someone other than her husband, making her a total slut. Actually, it wouldn't be that hard at all, would it?
Greatest Man In America: To me this category was clear cut as Waterford Crystal. I cast my vote for me because I really do feel I am the greatest man in this country. Sadly, however, only 11% of you agreed with me. Instead, I have to hand the title over to Mr. Jon Stewart who won with 39% of the vote. I've met Jon Stewart before and I can tell you this: he is shorter than you think. He's also very nice and completely deserves the Streety more than Bush, Kerry and me. Well, not more than me, but"
How Much Did You Drink This Weekend?: Again, you have all proven yourselves to be worthless drunks" my kind of people. Even though "47" and "I like Vodka" were popular responses, "Dude" I don't even know" won. A couple of you said that you don't drink and don't like going to parties which made me sad. One young man had an explanation for his dryness. "I don't drink because I'm always too stoned." Well, at least he's polluting his body in some way. Good for him.
What's That Smell?: It's clearly not your feet and you didn't fart. It may have been your body de-toxifying itself, but chances are it's the Indian kid in 305. You know him, he has an unpronounceable last name and is always cooking something weird in the dorm kitchen. He's a nice guy but all his clothes reek of curry and you can smell him from a mile away. While this category may seem a little stereotypical, it's completely true. The Indian way of life lends itself to smells that people of the western world find unusual and offensive. Hey, I bet the stench of Old Spice body wash and buffalo wing sauce coming off you makes him sick. So we're even.
Best Real World Cast: What happens when eight strangers live in a house and have their lives taped? Some wacky shit! And the wackiest shit you saw went down in Las Vegas where Trichelle and company snagged 38% of the vote. How we miss them; fucking in the hot tub, throwing up in the elevator, crying on the phone" Oh, the memories! I personally liked the San Francisco cast because they were actual "real" people: they were ugly, had boring jobs and fought about "who the BLEEP ate my BLEEPing peanut butter!" like real roommates do. Oh well, I guess America would rather see people shower together than fight for AIDS awareness. I can't blame "'em.
Most Unattractive Piece Of Clothing: Our first tie! Some of you thought that Ugg Boots were nasty and some of you thought that tighty whities were bad too, but an equal number of you thought that stirrup pants and granny panties were the worst. I've even thought of an explanation for the tie. Stirrup pants were very popular with fat little girls in your fifth grade class. They wore the same ones everyday and they had stains all over them. Now, as you grew and started to experiment with girls, you had your first run in with granny panties. You took your girlfriend's pants off expecting to find some sexy negligee but it wasn't to be. Instead, she wore big, white, disgusting panties that hung loosely off her body and you cried. GROSS! Because both of these images are burned into your brain, you voted equally. Or you're a girl who wears stirrup pants and granny panties and really hates your wardrobe.
How Much Do You Hate Brit's New Husband: There is no doubt that Kevin Federline is a total douchebag. He rides around like he's that man because he's nailing Spears when the truth is he's just a skinny white boy who Bow Wow could easily take in a brawl. But, the question is, how much do you hate him? Well, 72% hate him "almost as much as you hate Britney." This proves that, although we hate annoying men, we hate powerful women even more. Britney's like Hillary Clinton, except that Bill rules and Kevin is just a talentless ass.
My Birthday Is: December 2, 1982! Many of you guessed correctly and I congratulate you. Interestingly, Brit and I share a birthday so I know she'll be giving me shit about the last category when she sends my birthday card this year. Oh well. Another interesting fact is that my birthday is in three days. Just a subtle reminder to go out and get me a present while there's still time. I want and iPod and new tires for my car. I'll see all of you at my party It's at Chucky Cheese and bring change for the video games because my Dad said he's not paying for everyone this year.
Male B-Lister Who Most Often Appears On CH: When you wake up in the morning and your alarm lets out a warning and you think you'll never make it on time. That's not even a sentence! But Mr. Belding could care less because he seems to spend most of his time hanging out at college bars as any of you have checked the pictures section of collegehumor out. He always looks pretty drunk and happy to be surrounded by nimble coeds who all want to get a pic with him. His fellow "Bell-er" Screech (a.k.a. Dustin Diamond, came in second place. Screech at least has a reason to be hanging out at colleges (he's a comedian now). As for Haskins (Belding), it's just sad. Go be on Celebrity Squares or something, loser.
Worst Name To Call Your Mom: One time when I was little, I called my Mom "Susan" because that is what my Dad called her. She got really sad and almost dried. I've since learned to be more polite and call her "Woman." However, the name that would surely bring your Mom to tears and make your comic book collection go straight into the trash is" Whore. Even if your Mom is a whore she only turns tricks to put food on the table, you selfish little shit.
Worst Name To Be Called By Your Mom: "Thurman, clean your room"" nope. "Wendel, take out the trash"" nope. "Todd, walk the dog NOW"" no. "Hey Mistake, your dad and I didn't want you"" there's a winner! We all like to think that we are loved and appreciated by our parents but the sad truth is a lot of us weren't meant to be at all. It could have been Dad's powerful spermatozoid swim team or Mom drinking too much and forgetting to take her pill, but some of us our bad mistakes. Not me. According to my Mom I was a "happy mistake." Anyway you slice it, being called a "mistake" by your Mom sucks" even worse than being called Thurman.
Song That Needs To Go Away: A few years ago, "The Thing Song" drove us all crazy. This year the honor of having the most annoying song that needs to die goes to my fellow Bronxite, Fat Joe. His ghetto anthem "Lean Back" has been pounded into our heads over and over again and it's about time for it to go away. Yes, Fat Joe, we know your niggas don't dance. We know they just pull up dey pants. And we know they do the rockaway. Now, shut up.
Crappiest Store: It's amazing that your pick for crappiest store, Wal-Mart, is also the most popular store in America. It just proves, once again, how dumb our country really is (hey, remember who won the election?). I must disagree with judging Wal-Mart as the crappiest store. Yes, it's merchandise is shitty and the particle board dresser I bought there fell apart in 20 minutes, but the Ocean State Job Lot is by far the worst store in the world. It's row after row of dirty, mystery brand products that only welfare moms and white trash would buy. That's why I own two rugs and a window fan from there. Hey, I don't get paid a lot, lay off.
Best Cut of Steak: When I was a little boy, my Dad took me to the grocery store. We went to the meat display case when he stopped and picked me up. "Street, I'm going to teach you some good life lessons, okay?" "Okay, Daddy," "Now," he said pointing to a cut of meat," That's called a porterhouse. It's a good steak but it needs flavoring. Now, this is a London broil which is just bad steak. But look here, Street. This is called a prime rib. It's the best steak you can get. See how the fat is strung throughout the meat? That's called "'marbling.'" My Dad would be proud of all of you because prime rib easily defeated all others as best cut of steak. Only a few of you chose filet mignon and London broil. An even smaller few chose to admit that "I'm a big pussy and don't eat meat it's cruel and I'm a crybaby." Daddy, my readers have done you proud.
*Warning: My dad may want to call you up to discuss the merits of the prime rib. You have been warned.
Best Name For A Cool Guy In High School: Who's the captain of the football team? Who comes to school just for lunch? Who parks in the teacher spots? Who dates Kelly Kristy, the hottest cheerleader? Who stuffs nerd in their lockers? Who is the coolest guy in high school? Why, Hunter Gavin of course. Hunter is way cooler than Dylan Winters AND Parker Hamilton, according to you guys. I used to tell people in high school that I knew the coolest guy from another town named Hunter Gavin. He wasn't real but I got a few people to go, "Yeah, I know that guy" he's mad cool." If Hunter Gavin was real, however, one thing would be for sure; he'd be the coolest guy in high school.
Funniest Movie Starring John Candy: We all miss John Candy. He was a big, fat, loveable buffoon with a heart of gold (kind of like me). He also smoked five packs a day, drank like a fish and ate bacon like it was going out of style. So, he's dead. But unlike most fat dead people, John Candy left behind a fine collection of comedic movies to remember him by. The question is, which one is the best? Nobody liked Canadian Bacon (interesting fact: written and directed by Michael Moore) and The Great Outdoors didn't fare much better. The true contest came down to "Trains, Planes and Automobile" and "Uncle Buck." Both of these classics are great but only can take home the final Streety of the night. That honor goes to "Uncle Buck." What kid didn't want someone to make you pancakes with a snow shovel or beat up your older sister's loser boyfriend? John Candy, you are missed.
That's it guys. If you made it this far down, thank you. Look for the Streety Awards IV coming in February. Till then, congratulations to our winners and get home safe.