Hey America, Lighten Up

Let me ask you a question; why are you here? I don't mean what is your purpose on this earth or anything profound like that. No, I want you to think about what set of circumstances led you to where you are. You could say a healthy diet and regular hand washing is the reason for your survival, but I want you to go farther back. Go back to your very beginnings; the very act that has put you on this earth. As unpleasant as it is to think about, the one reason you are alive today is because your parents decided to make you. Whether you were the product of loving parents trying to bring a child into their lives or a broken condom and a bottle of whiskey, sex is responsible for your life. Every single person from the homeless man with no fingers to President Bush was brought into this world by a man putting his – ahem – ding-dong inside a woman's – ahem – treasure chest. Keep that in mind.

Lately, the FCC has been fining a number of broadcasters for airing "indecent" material. I won't even begin to discuss why the FCC's definition of "indecent" is absolutely ridiculous; just know that it is loosely based on "contemporary community standards"- a concept that can't really apply to America as a whole since we don't all live in one town. Oops, I talked about it. Anyways, the FCC is only doing what the public wants. You see, the FCC does not monitor the airwaves, they wait for people to file complaints then they investigate and decide whether to levy a fine. Now, the FCC has received over one million complaints this year alone, ten-thousand times the number they received five years ago. Clearly, Americans are being offended by something.

And what could that something be? Why, sex of course – the very reason each of these people has the ability to file a complaint. Mostly, the complainers are religious, born again southerners or Midwesterners who's political beliefs are (here's a shocker) conservative. Not normal conservative either, Hitler-style, book-burning conservatives that hate nothing more than sex, immoral behavior and "sinning faggots." These are the people who want mandatory prayer in schools, harass people going into abortion clinics, believe teaching evolution is a sin and want to take a big, fat, Christian dump on the Constitution. In other words, they are the people ruining our country.

As a wise man once said, "Sir, I disagree with your opinion but I will defend to the death your right to be a total asshole." I couldn't agree with this more. You want to burn the flag? Light "'er up. You want to eat ice cream naked in your back yard? Dig in. You want to hate me? Go right ahead. You see, I can appreciate that people may have different opinions and pleasures than I do and I won't tread on their rights to indulge in them. It's our first, fundamental right as Americans. But the holy-rolling, Christ-crusaders in this country seem to disagree. Instead, they want to decide the standard for what is and what is not acceptable for Americans to see. This, truly, frightens me.

Do you want a housewife in the Midwest who believes that interracial couples are sinners and pre-marital sex is a one-way ticket to eternal damnation deciding what you can and cannot see? If it were up to these people, "Sesame Street" would be the only thing on TV" wait, Bert and Ernie live together" they could be gay" forget "Sesame Street." They claim to get all their morals from the Bible but last time I checked, Jesus didn't say anything about Janet Jackson's nipple. Plus, does anyone stop to think that the Bible may be a little outdated? When the Bible was written they were still feeding Christians to the lions – something I wouldn't mind doing to some of these people. The Bible also says "Thou shall not kill" but these people don't seem to have a problem with that – look at how fervently they support Bush and his "let's kill some brown people" policies.

All of this bitching and whining is done in the name of protecting the children. "The children can't see a breast on television," "The children must be protected from cartoon homosexuals," etc. What a genius disguise for these people to cloak their insecurities about anything foreign to them (i.e. fulfilling sex lives). If anything, making such a huge F-ing fuss about sex is destroying any chance a kid has to develop a healthy attitude towards sex. When you raise a child to believe that sex is bad, dangerous and something to be ashamed of, you are setting them up for a very boring, confused adulthood (not to mention some seriously disappointed boy/girlfriends in college). Sex is a beautiful thing meant to give someone you care about pleasure" even if it only lasts two minutes. Not to mention the overarching, undeniable fact that humans, in their natural and uncorrupted state, really, really like to have sex.

You know, I found out something amazing the other day. I was watching a television program ("Blue Collar TV") and I found it un-entertaining and just plain stupid. I didn't know what to do until one of my friends told me about this amazing invention. It's called the remote control and it saved me from watching Jeff Foxworthy and Co. make gravy/fat person/white trash/ butt rash jokes in an instant. All I had to do was push a button and it actually CHANGED the CHANNEL! It turns out that no one was forcing me to watch anything at all; I had the power to censor my viewing all along! What a wonderful invention. I wish the religious right would learn how to use one of these things. Then, instead of watching "Desperate Housewives" or "The OC" or some other ultra-offensive program, they can switch to something more befitting their personalities – like "Jews Roasting over a Fire – Live", "The Jesus Hates Fags and Un-Wed Mothers Hour" or "Baghdad Gets All Blowed Up (Pt.2)."

So, in closing, I would like to ask America to lighten the hell up. Stop trying to censor everything you find offensive – if you don't like something, deal with it. This is America, the LAW says that your opinion is no more valid than mine is. And, for God's sake (literally), stop using religion to forward your personal agenda – it's a perversion of something meant to set people free, not hold them down. To those of you who feel like me, if you find one of these people, punch them as hard as you can in the face because, as stated before, they don't have any problem with violence.