Every human contains two chemicals that are relative to their sex. Men have testosterone which is why we crush beer cans on our heads and scream at the television. Women have estrogen which is why they have breasts and go crazy when they turn fifty. Now, I have always assumed that I was in possession of a large amount of testosterone I like to compete, I yell at people in my car, and I am generally pretty strong. I lack a vagina and working milk glands, so I figured that the chances of me being a woman were slim to none" never mind the whole "penis" thing hanging down there between my legs. I was, in my own estimation, quite a man. However, there were certain aspects of my life that I didn't take into account.
No doubt many of you men out there are not as manly as you think you are. The difference between me and you is that I have a friend (Sharon) who takes endless pleasure in pointing out to me all the ways in which I qualify for womanhood. "Street," she says to me, "You are a woman" a feeble, wimpy little woman." Maybe she's right, maybe she's not; I'll let you decide.
According to Sharon I qualify for honorary womanhood for the following reasons. I will list her points and then defend myself as best I can. For, if there is one thing I do not want to be, it is garbage man. But the second thing I don't want to be is a woman. After you have read the damning evidence and my sterling defenses, email me at firstname.lastname@example.org and cast your vote.
1. I can recite, with inflections, lines from the Nicholas Cage movie "The Family Man." This movie is funny and heartwarming. He learns that life is about more than money and power; life is about love" wait" that sounds womanlike. I mean" ummm" the chick in it is hot so I watch it a lot.
2. I like to be "little spoon" when sleeping with someone. Well, I can't argue that, I do like being "little spoon," but my reasons for it are not as womanly as you may think. It simply makes it easier for me to fart on whatever girl I happen to be sleeping with. Then I go "Ooooooh, GOTCHA!" and go back to bed. Actually, I just like feeling protected. Because I've been big my whole life I've always been the one doing the protecting. I just want to be held, is that so wrong?
3. I decorated my apartment with a passion normally reserved for Martha Stewart enthusiasts. I don't live in the normal "college" environs. My roommates and I found ourselves a very large apartment that was completely empty. We were allowed to do whatever we wanted so we agreed that it should be done up classy. We argued over paint at Home Depot, we discussed the merits of candle sconces, and I even matched my carpet to my sheets and curtains. I just wanted to live in a nice place, not some dirty, beer-can-covered shit hole. Maybe the three hour argument over whether to go with "Anchor Blue" versus "Harbor Blue" was a bit much, but I am a perfectionist.
4. When I begin to feel sick, I go to the doctor with a quickness. Apparently, to Sharon, feeling sick is no reason for a man to go to the doctor's office. I don't particularly understand this one, but my Roommate, Tim, confirmed it was a womanly quality. "Dude," said Tim, "When I get sick, I just say "'I'll be fine' and I walk it off. I never go to the doctor." I just don't like feeling like shit so I have my Mom arrange for me to see my doctor in Connecticut where I get pills and syrups to cure me. Ok, maybe having my Mom make the appointment and traveling to Connecticut is a bit much, but let me ask you this: would you go to a doctor in The Bronx? I didn't think so. So, I guess what they are trying to say is that I am a pansy when it comes to feeling sick. Maybe I should be a "man" next time a lay in bed for an extra three days?
5. I'm really bored of pictures featuring two girls making out. Please, let me explain. I used to think that looking at pictures of girls making out was the height of pleasure. But now, I just find them boring. If they're naked, that's one thing, but when it's just two girls kissing, I don't feel the thrill anymore. Maybe I've been desensitized because of the large volume of these pictures that collegehumor receives? Maybe I would just rather see it in real life? I don't know. But the fact remains that girl-on-girl kissing pictures don't really do it for me anymore.
So there you have it. Am I a woman or am I just a normal guy? I really don't feel that I am, or, if I am, that the majority of guys are as well. So, if you're a guy, try asking yourself if you have any womanly qualities. If you can't find any, ask a female friend. If she's anything like Sharon, she'll gladly spell them out for you. Drop me an email at email@example.com and let me know, once and for all, if I am a woman or not. Now, I have to go watch "Love Actually" and eat ice cream in my Jammys. Nighty-night nitght.