Read news the only way you know how: by skimming
From Susanna Wolff on
By Susanna Wolff
Elizabeth II, The United Kingdom, and Outlying Territories That Still Apparently Care About the Queen are attending Diamond Jubilee. June 3, 2012 The World: huh. I forgot about the word “jubilee.” Greece, Spain, and Italy are attending Economic Meltdown Jubilee. June, 2012 Germany: Ooh. I’m going to be out of town while that’s going on. Spain: Are you sure? It’s gonna be really fun. It’s BYOB, 5 million euros at the door, and the AC is broken, but it’ll be super fun. Germany: Can’t. Sry. Greece: I’m making hummus! Germany: I’m unsubscribing to this thread. The United States of America is attending Drone Jubilee: you gonna get drOWNED June, 2012 Pakistan: You idiots, that looks like “drowned.” The United States of America: Oh yeah? How would you like to be drowned in missiles? The United Nations: Ok. Calm down. Syria: Can jubileeve how violent the US is being? Science: Wouldn’t it be cool if all fighting was just drone fighting and warfare was entirely a matter of competing technological ingenuity with the greatest power belonging to the nation that could wield the most implicit threat of violence without actually killing anyone? The World: lol Iran: Oh, btw, I’m NOT building nuclear weapons. ;) The United Nations: Are you telling the truth or are you being cheeky? What does the winky emoticon even mean? Iran: ;D The United Nations: Fuck. China: No one acknowledge that today is the 23rd anniversary of the Tiananmen Square protest. June 4, 2012 Common Sense: No, please, everyone remember. Liberal Arts Students: I remember that dope picture of the guy standing in front of the tanks. Fuck the government! Common Sense: Yes, but it’s more complex than that. The protesters lost and the government they fought against has remained in power. Liberal Arts Students: I’m gonna see if anyone makes a poster of that tank guy picture. That would look so cool in my dorm. Common Sense: You’re the worst. LinkedIn: IMPORTANT MESSAGE: A number of passwords were accidentally leaked. You should sign in to your LinkedIn account and change your password. June 5, 2012 Last.fm: yeah, us too. The Internet: stop trying to trick people into signing in their old accounts on your useless sites. Friendster: damnit, Last.fm. we could have gotten away with this plan. Moody’s, Standard & Poor’s, and Fitch Group are attending the event Greek, Spanish, and Italian Credit Downgrade June 7, 2012 Spain: Come on. Please. Moody’s: Ugh, fine. Moody’s edited the event Greek, Spanish, and Italian Credit Downgrade JUBILEE Spain: Thank you. Non-Bankers: So, um, what’s up with these credit downgrades? What does it all mean? If all the richest countries are being downgraded, isn’t it kind of like no one was downgraded? You’re grading on a curve, right? The Economy: Shh. Syria is attending Money Printing (and people massacring) Jubilee June 13, 2012 Everyone: yeahhh, that’s not how you fix your economy. Syrian Civilians: fml Barack Obama: Hear ye, hear ye: illegal immigrants who came to the US as children will not be deported. June 15, 2012 Conservatives: Fuck you. Illegal Immigrants: Hooray. We can keep mooching off your excellent public education and healthcare. Oh wait... United States Supreme Court: Obamacare can stay! June 28, 2012 Conservatives: Fuck you. People Under the Age of 26: Fuck YES! Switzerland: Your healthcare system still blows. WebMD: Yeah, down with healthcare. Doctors are the worst. Keep just looking up your symptoms on me and then chugging orange juice till you’re better, like AMERICANS. Greece, Egypt, and Pakistan are attending Election Jubilee June 2012 The World: Ok, “jubilee” has lost its charm now. Elizabeth II: Just wait. It’ll come back around. The United States of America: How come our election wasn’t included in this jubilee? Egypt: Eh, your guys are boring. Greece: And we didn’t want Romney’s creepy sons eating all the hummus. The United States of America: that’s fair. Pakistan: Finished! We picked a new president! Egypt: Us too, but our stupid military has taken over :( Pakistan: Oh shit. Our president elect was arrested for smuggling drugs. Greece: We have a president AND a prime minister? What? Elizabeth II: Hereditary monarchies FTW. Elizabeth II is attending the event I’M THE FUCKING QUEEN OF ENGLAND SO EVERY DAY IS A FANCY CORGI DIAMOND TEA PARTY JUBILEE Prince Charles: I’m never going to be king.