I know most of the controversy spurred by the Passion of the Christ has simmered. I understand that I'm a little late for this party. However, I'm Jewish, and our messiah is running a little late as well. So, if that's the example he's gonna set, I feel this is permissible too.

Not to digress, but at what point are we Jews going to finally stop waiting? It's time we entertain the thought that maybe God stood us up. We passed him a note in class, he checked the 'maybe' box, and we've been waiting outside the movie theatre for a solid 4,000 years now. I think it's about time we just call our moms and get a ride home.

Like much of America, I went to see the Passion of the Christ for the sole reason that it is controversial. I made plans, drove to the movies, paid ten dollars, and sat in a theatre for 2 hours, strictly because somebody else hated that entire experience. I'm not sure where we get this impulse from or why it exists, but I believe it is this same drive that causes us to eat a green-speckled jelly bean even after all our friends tell us it tastes like old meat.

When I was in line to buy tickets, I noticed people coming out of the previous showing very slowly, their heads bowed. At the time, I assumed that this was because the Passion of the Christ was a very powerful, thought provoking movie. However upon viewing, I realized that people walk out of this movie slowly because it is shot almost entirely in slow motion. That is to say, should you walk out of the movie at regular pace, you're liable to give yourself a nosebleed. You might think this overuse of slow motion to be a mistake. However, you should remember that in Jesus' time, coffee had not yet been invented, so what may appear to be the result of poor directing is really the result of very good period acting.

Another miscalculation on my part: it wasn't until after we had purchased our tickets that I realized this wasn't a movie people usually go to dressed up as their favorite characters. You should've seen the expression on the popcorn guy's face when he looked up to find that the voice demanding a box of Sno-caps was none other than the Almighty Creator himself. I haven't seen service that quick since Bush's stint in the Air National Guard.

These benefits were well-worth all of the flak I received about my loin cloth being inappropriate in a public setting. Apparently you're not supposed to wear it on your head.

The problem with dressing up was that there were twelve apostles and I only have five friends. Give or take two. Mostly take. Entirely take. I only have two friends. One if you're only counting friends that other people can see.

Anyway to fill in the ranks, we doubled up on a few roles. My friend Liz wore a robe and sported a crown of thorns, a tiara and a yarmulke. My friend Jeffrey on the other hand wore one breast, half a beard and carried a plastic baby jesus. On the bright side, by the night's end he had amassed $24 in change, because he closely resembled a schizophrenic homeless lady and people generally feel financially sorry for schizophrenic homeless ladies.

I felt a little embarrassed because we were shushed several times whilst Liz— Joseph/Isaac/Judas/Jingleheimer Schmidt— and Jeffrey—Mary/Paul/Simon/Paul Simon argued over who got to hold the baby Jesus. They finally settled the dispute with a game of Rock, Paper, Messiah, but only after tying 65 times in a row.

If I can sum up my sentiments about this movie in just one statement, it's that the book was much better.


If you've got questions, responses, or you'd like to comment on my driving, please feel free to email me at comeydean@yahoo.com