Look around you, what do you see? The trees are bare, the girls have started to wear sweatpants to class and your skin is now featuring all your blue veins that your tan once covered. That's right, it's winter. "Oh no," you say, "I hate winter. It's so cold and nobody looks attractive anymore." But, my friends, winter is so much more than cold fingers and pneumonia; winter also means Christmas break.
No doubt you've noticed that your "cool" professor is trying to jam in all the material you missed when he was "cool" enough to cancel class on that sunny day back in September. You've also noticed that the once empty library is a hive of activity as kids all try to out-study each other for bragging rights. "My test is gonna be so hard that I was in the library for 32 hours. Beat that, loser." Yes, the semester is winding down but luckily I am here to make your last few weeks as enjoyable as possible.
To fully enjoy your remaining time before your three week self-imposed exile, listen up.
*Don't bother studying for your finals. Just take the test cold and test your "raw" intelligence. That way you can see how smart you really are.
*If you do plan on studying for finals, make good friends with someone who suffers from ADD. They'll have plenty of smart-pills for you.
*If you have a significant other at school, express your wish to "take a break" for the holidays. That way you don't have to get them a present AND you can finally get with Christy Marcus who "was totally into" you back in high school.
*Buy your friends at school one small Christmas present each costing no more than $3. Do not, however, buy any of your Jewish friends Chanukah presents" greedy bastards, eight presents? Are you kidding me? I'm not made of money, Saul.
*If you can't afford presents for your friends, try this: leave school a day early so they can't get all on your ass about how they bought you a "sweet funnel with your name on it, dude" and you didn't get them shit.
*Use any minor illness, like a runny nose or a smoker's cough, to procure a take-home final from your professors. "I'm so sorry, professor, but I have a serious case of strep. I really should take the final at home so I don't get the rest of the class sick." Works every time.
*If you are driving home for the holidays, find out who lives near you. When you've compiled a list, pare it down to the hottest three members of the opposite sex and offer them rides. You might actually feel cool in your 94 Jetta.
*If you're flying home, aren't you just so special Mr. I'm-so-rich-I-just-fly-all-over-the-place" jerk.
*If you're planning to get a Christmas tree for your dorm, make sure to do it quickly. Also, if you have a Jewish or Muslim roommate, offer to top the tree with a Star of David or the roasting corpse of an infidel so they don't feel left out.
*Make sure your frat's Christmas party is better than everyone else's. Make yours classy by insisting that all the girls invited wear respectable clothes, sing Christmas songs and try the roofie-nog" "Ham-Bone made it himself!"
*Unlike your family, where a bad present must be received with a half-smile and a fake "how did you know?", a bad present from a school friend can be thrown away in front of them.
*Immediately kill anyone who says, "Christmas sucks. It's so boring." They cannot be allowed to pollute the Season of Greed with their nay-saying.
I hope these tips will help you in the hectic weeks ahead. I'll see you all in January, twenty pounds heavier and three shades paler. Good luck.