People You Hate XXV
Mmmm, Mmmm, Mmmm! What's that Uncle Streeter has on the stove? It smells so good. Oh, I know what it is a big ol' helping of hate for ya! Come one, come all to the twenty-fifth installment of the Famous Hate List. We've got a lot to get to, so let's start right away.
*If you'd like to contribute to the hate list, email suxatlife@hotmail and let everyone know you're more of a bitter ass than they are! NOTE, the next edition of the Hate List will be Holiday Hate, so make sure your entries have something to do with the holidays! Please include your first name, last initial and school.
The Door Delinquent: I understand that you like talking to your friends. Hell, we all do. Sometimes I even talk to mine for hours on end without even thinking of stopping. But here's the difference between you and me; I don't stand right in the doorway when I talk to my friends. You fat fucking asshat, remove yourself from my path RIGHT NOW! I don't care of your friend is telling you the cure for cancer and has to get it out because he is about to be shot" you can still take you're conversation somewhere else. What is it about blocking everyone that so excited you? Is it the constant "excuses me's" you hear from innocent people just trying to leave the building? Is it the powerful feeling that comes with knowing that you have the ability to slow entire crowds of people down? You're like a school bus driver that won't pull over to let the three mile car line behind them pass. Next time I see you standing there with your little coffee and your little hat and your little dick, chatting away to your little friend, I'm going to run my big ass (and it is pretty big) right into you. Get the fuck out of the doorway, slob" I Hate You!
Pauly the Playlist Hijacker: Have you ever thrown a party and heard a strange song coming from your computer that you don't remember downloading? Have you ever let someone else use your computer out of the goodness of your heart only to find out that your songs are all in disarray after? If you have, chances are you've met Pauly the Playlist Hijacker. His M.O., as it were, is to gain access to your computer either with permission or not. Pauly will then download every song that he likes and arrange them in a manner befitting his tastes. When you sit down to play some music a few days later and Mariah Carey's "Always be my Baby" comes on, you'll know what has happened. Goddamnit Pauly, can't you just get an iPod? Then you won't have to tarnish my near-perfect playlist with your LFO and Neil Diamond MP3s. I don't want your shitty music infecting mine like a cancer, so keep it away. So, from now on, if I ever catch you using my computer again I will have no choice but to tie you down and make you listen to Godsmack over and over and over and over again while I beat you with a sack of quarters and squeal with delight. I'll stop when you realize that" I Hate You!
The Truth.com Squad: Ok, you little assholes, we get it; smoking is bad for you. Now, can you please shut the fuck up? Wait" this is going to be a whole article. Just marinate on how annoying they are till it's ready in a few days. I promise, it will be more seething with anger than most anything I've ever written before.
Reader Jodi R. at Skidmore really hates: Virgin Mary Mosh Pit: I fucking hate those prissy little fifteen year old bitches who go to shows with their equally annoying girlfriends and jump and scream for bands that they would have been too cool to listen to a few years ago. They wear those cookie cutter "punk" outfits with the tight jeans and studded belts. And they get all mad and shit when they get touched and pushed into. I really fucking hate when Mary Mosh Pit accuses me of FEELING her up just because it's crowded and I wanna dance. Yo, you fucking whore- if I wanted to feel someone up I would pick someone hot not your prissy ass. I fucking hate her.
Reader Kristen S. really hates: people who spic out their crappy car and try to fool people into thinking their car is nice. This to all you jackasses in Geo Metroes that try to run me off the road with your crappy ass car. Here's a little clue on life, if I can blow your ass away in my base model Ford Focus, your car is not nice. Just because you have a gaping hole in your muffler that makes your car obnoxiously loud, it's not going to fool me into thinking your car is nice. P.S. Keep your Uncle Grandpa Jim with Downs Syndrome away from the spray paint. Your car sucks ass. Save the money you would have used on chrome spinners and buy and real car. I FUCKING HATE YOU!!!!
Reader Dan Q. really hates: "Miss I can't wait to get out of this town" Every single year since I graduated I hear the same thing from the same type girls, "I can't wait to go to college and get away from this town. I mean all people do here is spread rumors and make up lies" First of all that is total bull shit, because most of the time it's because this little tramp got drunk and fucked three guys in a week and doesn't understand why she is being called a dirty whore. Then once they get to college all you hear is how college is so much better than where they grew up and act superior to you because you still love your home town. So basically all they wanted was to go somewhere where nobody knows who they are so they can just fuck whoever they want. I hate you!
Dan also hates: "Miss I know I wanted to get out, but now I don't get my way anymore" the cousin of the previous. These girls get to college and realize that all of sudden they aren't the hottest girl in school anymore and can't make guys do exactly what they want. So now all they do is piss and moan about how much they hate school and they just want to come back to Edgerton where things make sense. So sorry honey but you can't rag on my hometown and then expect me to care that you no longer have the pussy mind control over guys. I hate you!
(Author's Note: Where the fuck is Edgerton?)
Reader Taylor B. at UPENN really hates: Sketchy coke frats.. they ruin everything. I am a rugby player, in the traditional rugby frat. Despite our overwhelming awesomeness we get no love from what little hot girls we have becuase they'd 'rather go do coke'. They just use it to diet anyways. Bitches. I also hate these Penn girls" they are too smart. You can't trick them into bed as easy.
Mysterious reader known only as JC really hates: Drama kids: With your fucking fake personalities. You're always making things far better or worse than they are. You can't just eat a meal. It has to be UTTERLY DELICIOUS, or DISGUSTINGLY PUTRID. You can't have a normal day. It's either GLORIOUS or HORRIBLE. You can't even 'know' people. Randoms are either your lovers or enemies. Be fucking normal for once. Not everything is that exciting. Even if they were, you wouldn't have the personality to really experience them. Go kill yourselves.
The Mysterious JC also hates: Pseudo intellectual assholes. Fucking sitting for hours on end outside a coffee bar, just reading whatever literature you think would make you appear smarter, or talking about philosophy or politics or your views on the world when YOU DON'T KNOW SHIT. To top it off, you talk loud enough where people 50 yards away can still hear your loud ass. Then when I ask you to please be quiet because I'm trying to sell it to the coffee bar girl, you look at me like I'M the idiot who can't be in public. I loathe you all. I wish nothing but horrible things upon you. I hope you get raped and murdered in the most unpleasant manner possible.
(Author's Note: Wow, JC's got some anger" we like that here.)
Reader Matthew T. really hates: bitching over involved Barry- This guy willingly joins every group he could possibly be in. Official or unofficial, if its a group then he wants to be a part of it. I roomed with this guy last year, he's a piece of work. The only positive thing is that I didn't have to see this douche bag in the dorm room very often, but when I did he was a gem. He'd bitch about the lack of time he had for homework and friends because of his over-involvement. Suck it up pussy I hate you. I hope you get caught masturbating and crying to Steel Magnolias. ps. In his defense Julia Roberts is hot and its sad when she dies ..P.s.p.s ..I'm a big pussy.
Matthew also hates: I also hate chiming in Charlie. This isn't any person in particular like the last masterpiece, but I guess he had moments like this too. Don't even think about having a conversation around any of these assholes. Oh boy they'll give you their $100 worth. And the magical thing about these pricks is, they're always right. I can't fucking believe it, it's a god damn miracle. You could be talking about the score of the football game last Sunday. This bastard of a man will chime in on how he watched the game to, and where it went wrong for this team and what this quarterback did right and the top ten reasons why he prefers boxers over briefs and .baaaaaaa I hate you.
Reader Jackie O. (hahaha, she's famous) really hates: Big Boob Brenda. I'm a petite girl with big boobs, 34 D's, in fact. Obviously, I get a lot of attention for them as, well, they're completely disproportionate being that I only weigh 117 lbs. Every now and then I jokingly brag to the girls that my titties are probably the reason this sensational guy gave me his number. But, there's always the one girl who is like two hundred fifty pounds who listens into your conversation and says, "Oh, but, Jackie, what sized boobs do you have. 36 C's? Mine are 42 FFF. I have bigger boobs. HA HA." Look, bitch, you guessed my cup size lower just so you could make yourself sound more huge than me thus attempting to improve your low self-esteem. Plus, YOU WEIGH SIX HUNDRED POUNDS MORE THAN ME, YOU STUPID FAT BITCH. Fuck off.
Jackie also hates: That fat girl at parties that croons she is so drunk. She's wearing barely any clothes. Then, I happen to walk by after I've just openly hit on the guy she has had a long-standing crush on that I didn't know about because I didn't even know her name. I'm wearing my favorite skirt, the one that everyone has always loved, that is perfectly fine looking. She says, "OH, I looovvve your skirt." Naturally, being the polite girl that I am, I reply with a thank-you. Just as soon as I say it, she and her other fat bitch friends start howling in laughter, continuing to remark about how drunk they are. Look, Fattie McFatster, sorry. I'm hotter than you. The boy that you have a crush on thinks you're absolutely repulsive. I know. He's told me as he was kissing my neck. HA HAHAHAHAHA. Who's the winner now, fattie? I didn't even like him that much either.
Reader Andrea O. really hates: People who drive around in rain and/or a blizzard without their headlights on. What's wrong with you? No one can see you, you dumb fuck. Seriously, if you do this you deserve to die in a fiery car crash" ..Ok, maybe not die, but get burned really, really badly! I HATE YOU!
Andrea also hates: The guy who sits behind me in Sociology. Shut up already. You try to sound smart by analyzing every fucking thing that comes out of the teacher's mouth and you just sound like a schmuck. When our professor says things like.. "Umm okay anyway" in response to your comments, you should really get the hint that you're insights are not appreciated. Oh, and stop telling everyone how much you love Gucci. You shop at Target like the rest of us, so shut it already. I HATE YOU.
Mike S. of Alberta, Canada really hates: Joe I'm So Fucked. I'll be honest. I like drugs. I like taking drugs. I, however, don't like announcing that I do drugs WHILE I'm on them to friends or strangers. Its just not necessary, unless its to confirm to with fellow drug users that they are all fucked as well. Even then its a quick statement that doesn't become the topic of conversation. But not for Joe. This guy is the same guy who feels the need to tell everyone how much he's drank and how drunk he is except this is worse especially in a public. " I can't believe I took so many pills man. Holy fucking dick what was in those. I'll tell ya what was in them. Ecstasy, or MDMA as some call it. Where did you get that shit man fuck I need to get some more." This conversation of course could not wait until I was done buying my gum in front of the cashier at the gas station for fuck sake. I guess I believe in a little thing I like to call 'Drug Decorum". Some people just love getting high as fuck and going out and making complete testicles of themselves, which is fine under the right circumstances (ex. raves, bars, large parties key word large, etc). Some examples off bad circumstances would be downtown at 6pm on a Thursday, while visiting relatives and getting fucked and then giving some "drugs" to your drunk cousin who, once high, cant stop talking about the most depressing shit I've.. um fuck it I've ever heard high on, of course, something I've never done before and then saying that this shit is cut with arsenic. Now even if that was true, which I knew wasn't, you should never say that to someone who is really fucking high. DECORUM people, fuck! That's like telling someone who is going on a vacation to Brazil that they'll probably be kidnapped or catch malaria. You know what Joe, keep your goddamn cocksucker comments to your fucking self. I don't hate life yet and when I get high, its to escape reality, not dwell on all the shit that's going wrong with my life. So, until you fucking deal with your problems Joe, I fucking HATE YOU
Reader Leigh D. of UNC really hates: Rarely-there R.A.: I think I have seen you a total of 3 times all semester, yet you felt compelled to leave me a nasty note about the "serious violations of the community standards" you found over Thanksgiving break. Guess what, bitch? Some of us are old enough to drink so yeah, we can have alcohol in our rooms. And I left my A/C on when I went home? Oh my God! Call the cops! What a horrible, horrible offense! How can I ever hope to make it up? Not to mention the other stupid things you wrote on that nice little note you taped to my door for the whole dorm to see. Don't you think that as a senior, living on campus is enough punishment for me? No, of course not. Even though you are in your room a total of maybe 2 hours a day, you think you have the right to tattle on me and my room mate. Wait till you get out in the real world, and then see how far tattling will get you. Hopefully it will get you beaten repeatedly. That's exactly what you deserve, because I HATE YOU!
Reader Jason N. of North Texas really hates: the pricks that write shit about people on their message boards when they KNOW the person they are writing shit about is gone for the weekend. GROW A DICK MOTHERFUCKER and say that shit to their face. Just because you are a lying, cheating, sonofabitch and SHE DUMPED YOUR PATHETIC JEALOUS ASS doesn't mean that you should write shit like "slut" or "whore" or "tramp" all over the door to her dorm room. GROW SOME BALLS. If you have shit to say, fuckin SAY IT. There is NO excuse for some dickless jackoff to take the fucking PUSSY way out and write shit about people when the person they are writing about isn't even there to see it. God I fuckin hate you.
Reader Ashley B. really hates: FAT people that complain a lot and don't do anything besides sit on their ASS eating chips! If you are so FUCKING worried about your weight, maybe you should get off your fat ASS and do something!!!!!!!!! (If you can get out of your chair!) dumbasses go running, go walking, GET THE FUCKING MAIL FOR GOD'S SAKE!!!!! ANYTHING!!!!! Or stop fucking complaining you FAT MOTHER FUCKER, I HATE YOU!!!!!!
(Author's Note: I still love ya, fat people!)
Reader Jamie B. really hates: My roommate. He is a waste of human life. He is actually proud of the fact that he has no friends. He has absolutely no life whatsoever, and the only people he knows in the dorm are the ones who live right next to him. Since he has no life and no friends when he doesn't have anything to do that is what he does, absolutely nothing. He somehow managed to have no classes on Friday so he sits in the room or the lobby all day, reading or staring at nothing. Sometimes he reads standing up in the middle of the room for a change (no joke) and if I happen to be in the room he makes comments on whatever I am doing if I am on my computer. Sometimes he sits on his bed with his computer and doesn't move for hours. And all of this happen every single fucking day! He is a master at wasting time, because he has no friends to hang out with. One time he told me he was considering being an RA next year. Then later he told me it was definitely out of the question because he learned that he would have to do at least ONE SOCIAL ACTIVITY PER MONTH, because that's what the school requires, but no, that was a horrifying prospect to this antisocial douchebag. One time he told me his outlook on life was "if you expect the very worse you will always have everything turn out better than you expected" Why not try and have a little more positive outlook on life. He has never had anything to do with a girl in his life. I couldn't give a rats ass about this but you realize that the rest of us who girls aren't a foreign species to actually want to hook up with them. So if its late and you come into the room (from the lobby where you haven't moved for the past five fucking hours, and I am on my bed talking to a girl whose there then clear the fuck out. The best way to piss me off in that situation is to come in, groaning as usual, pop all the joints in your body, and proceed to go to bed in front of me and her. Now, we weren't doing anything but first of all why the fuck are you coming in and acting like we don't even fucking exist? Second of all we don't want to smell whatever the fuck it is you smell like all the time after you shower (it cant be on purpose because it smells like crap) Third I think that your fat ass snoring 3 feet from us is a 100 percent assurance that nothing WILL happen. He continually groans and makes noise like he's 80 years old and has trouble moving around. In case you haven't noticed asshole, cracking every joint in your body every 10 minutes makes everyone within hearing range want to fucking kill you. And standing up, groaning and still popping every single fucking joint in your body makes me want to strangle you. Oh, and every time someone comes in the room who hasn't been there before, they always ask about the gallon or so of Listerine, the fucking industrial sized bottle of Tylenol (he pops at least 10 a day I don't have a fucking clue why) and the goddamn whirring air freshener that you will "die because of your allergies" without. So if I turn it off will you drop dead or suffocate in your sleep? I'm seriously considering it because I FUCKING HATE YOU!!!
My fat sorority bitch RA. This bitch is one of the ugliest people I have ever seen. Every piece of clothing she owns has her fucking sorority emblazoned on it. And everyone else who is wearing that logo is fat. Is one of the requirements for pledges that you have to be over 250 pounds? Because it would seem so from seeing all the fat bitches walking around campus. I have the bad luck to be two doors down from this monstrosity. All the friends she brings over to her room are at least as massive as she is. The only people more unfortunate than me are the girls who live between me and her. (The people on the other side have no lives so it doesn't matter for them). Once at the start of the year they told me that they were talking about how the no substance policy (fucking freshman dorms) sucks. She came over to their room and knocked on the door and said "I can hear every word you guys are saying, and if you are going to keep talking about just be warned that I am going to keep listening." The thing about this is the walls here are cinder blocks. A bomb could go off in the next room and most people probably wouldn't notice. But this fat bitch probably had her ear pressed to the wall. Once I asked her what the worst thing about being an RA was (when my loser roommate was considering being one) and she says "having to deal with people like (insert your friends names here)". Hey bitch has it occurred to you that those people are my friends. It would be impossible for me to loathe your existence any more but you just sealed your reputation as supreme asshole in my view. You also hand out hall charges for anything, from pieces of paper fallen off the wall to talking in rooms after quiet hours. None of the other RA's have huge sticks up their ass about things like that. Once I had to go on rounds with her for a night as part of punishment for being caught with alcohol. I asked her what she considers good enough to open a door and tell people to quiet down. She tells me things like loud music, smell of alcohol or clinking bottles. Of course the Ra's use things like "too much noise" as excuses to open the doors all the time and check for alcohol. But this bitch actually goes around listening for bottles clinking. But I must say I have gotten her pretty good, once when I was wasted I was heading for the bathroom but decided that her closed door would be a better place to spew. The hall was rewarded with a 150 dollar charge but it was well worth it. I hope you get a heart attack and die you fat bitch because i FUCKING HATE YOU!!!!
The Hater of the Week award goes to Reader Karl K. of Detroit for this three-part rant.
Karl really hates: I hate Canadians. They come to school in my country and all they do is bitch about how shitty America is. Listen assholes, if America is such a shithole, then why are you going to school here? Is it because the University of Windsor is such a great and prestigious college to be and you're doing a favor for the American people by coming here and letting us experience your knowledge? Or is it because the entire Canadian economy is based off of 17, 18, 19, and 20 year old kids who are too young to drink and gamble in the US so they do it in your shitty country. You go past Windsor and what do you see in Canada? Nothing. On top of that, Toronto has had every single damn world disease on the face of this planet and the last thing that we want is to get SARS or West Nile from your stupid Canadian homosexual asses. All that you dumbfucks can do is talk shit about how dumb our president is and how you guys are so great because you have free health care. That's your fucking argument? You guys have free health care and our president is legally a retard, so you MUST be better than America? Why would we want free health care anyway? You're telling me that if I was in Canada, I would get the same amount of health benefits as some bum on the streets? You're honestly going to sit there and try to even make that some sort of argument that Canada is so much better because of that fucking retarded train of thought? Yeah, America sucks so badly, that's why everybody wants to get into this country. Real great, assmonkeyfuckwhores. The only thing that you idiots are number one in is being north of the United States. You walk to any person in Canada and ask them to name five US presidents, they can do it. You ask them to name any five Prime Ministers, I'd be damned if they could even begin to think. And to add insult to injury, when I want to go the vending machine only to find that I have 55 out of the 65 cents American and that the dime that so desperately need is a fucking Canadian dime, it makes me want to take every single Looney and Tooney that I find and jam it down all the throats of you Canadian bastards. By the way, you know a country is in the shithole when they name the $1 coin a Looney and a $2 coin the Tooney. That's so clever; I didn't know that it was going with the theme of the rest of your country: retarded! I thought that was only a temporary thing that only made me want to kill you shtifaces on the weekends. Any Canadian, if you want to fight me, go ahead, I'd win because we're in America and I have home court advantage, so go jerk off about Canada in some other country.
(Author's note: Damnnnn, that's some serious hating on our brothers to the north!)
Karl also hates: The morons who pretend that they're so smart with all their extending intelligence in human anatomy. Instead of saying, "last night, I was at the bar and hit my throat on some prostitute's shin," they just HAVE to say, "On the night that was last, I hit my thorax on some hooker's posterior rami." Really? You can't just use the normal words that everyone else uses? Half the time, you're wrong anyway, there must be something wrong with your goddamn head, oops I mean cranium, Mr. Shitfuckidiot. If I had the chance, I would hire someone to rip you apart limb from limb, all the while making to disscet your own fucking legs, and telling me what each muscle does, you poor excuse for a human life. You honestly think that you're going to med school? Fat chance. Oops, strike that, I mean Lipid chance.
Karl finally hates: The kids that once they find out that someone speaks another language, the first thing that they say is, "Oh, you know Latin? Say something in Latin." No, I'm not doing anything for you or your homosexual fuck buddy. You don't know what I'm saying anyway, so does it really matter? What, are you going to test me on the depths of my knowledge of that language? No, you're not going to do anything because you're just a fat whore. I hope that all the people from whatever country your so interested in hearing that language from take you and throw you in the ceremonial pit of fire and then they'll be saying their ceremonial shit in their language, then you'll be able to hear it then, alright idiot? Until then, don't bother me with your bullshit. (PS, I don't really speak Latin; anyone who does is a badass though)
We have a tie for weirdest Hate of the Week.
First we have Reader Jakie O. who really hates: my ex-boyfriend's dipshit "best friends." I trust him to stay at a party without me because I generally don't have a reason to distrust him. I also have the comfort of knowing that he's not going to have sex with any of the girls there because the ones that haven't already starting hooking up with their guys are already passed out. However, somehow, he'll get really drunk and high, so he sucks his gay best friend's wiener. Four of the other friends are within the same vicinity, oh say twelve feet away. They know that we've been dating for a year and a half. They do positively nothing to stop this from going on and ruining my life. But, in the morning, they let out an awkward laugh, and encourage him not to tell me. I hate more that I pretended to laugh at those pretentious fucktards' jokes. I hope they choke on their next beer.
(Author's note: WTF?!)
Second we have Darren T. of URI, who really hates: The dumb bitches that stay with their boyfriend/girlfriend after they've been cheated on and lied to for months. Oh, yeah it happens a lot, especially a boyfriend hooking up with some girl, or a girlfriend hooking up with some guy. Sometimes yeah, that might be excusable. Might be. Chances are, you can still work on it. But when your significant other hooks up with someone of the same sex? And keeps it from you, for months? AND YOU STAY WITH HIM AFTER YOU FIND OUT!? And continue to follow him around campus like a lost puppy dog? C'mon, you gotta be really fucking stupid for that. Get a fucking clue! I HATE YOU! You give all women a bad name, you dumb cunt!
(Author's Note: Double WTF?! Are guys "faggin" out now? Is that the thing to do?)
AND NOW, a new section to the Famous Hate List. I call it "Reader to Reader" hate. Here, readers can hate on each other and even me for the people we hate!
(Please don't be offended if someone hates you" write them back in the next edition!)
Reader Mark R. really hates Reader Rachel: Just tell reader Rachel that there is no such thing as a Delta Sigma Sister. A Delta Sig is short for Delta Sigma Phi, which is a fraternity. She just looks like the stupid whore now.
Reader Whit V. of Furman really hates Me: I hate how Streeter Seidell's column's keep getting sent to my email box twice instead of just once. I mean, I like your column, Street; that's why I subscribe to it. But two emails instead of one. It's not twice the humor, not twice the insight, not twice the ego trip of getting an email it's just twice the annoyance of having to open my email so that the little flag goes away. Get over yourself. It's not cool, it's just annoying. I hate your second email.
(Author's Note: For the last Muthafuckin time, I was having email problems! DAMN!)
OK, I promise, that is all for now. Join me next time as we take on that special kind of hate that can only come but once a year. Till then, I hope you've enjoyed the 25th edition of The Famous Hate List. Thanks to all who contributed.
*Remember, if you want to be included in the hate list, the next edition will be "Holiday Hate." Send your submissions today to suxatlife@hotmail