Jesus Instructs the Disciples on the Art of Decorating for Christmas
And so it was that Jesus' birthday fast approached. The twelve apostles were confused when it came to planning the party. The twenty-fifth night of December, said Paul, must be solemn and holy for it is the birthday of our Lord. Nay, cried Mark, to honor our Lord and savior we must be festive and cheerful.
The twelve argued for much time till, lo, Jesus came into the hut. Why do you argue, asked the Lord. No disciple would volunteer and answer so Jesus asked again. Why do you argue? After much silence, the twelve told of their predicament.
Jesus smiled, and bade them sit down. My children, He said, there is not but one way to honor the day of my birth; there are many. The twelve did not understand. But my Savior, asked John, we do not understand, should not there be one way to honor you? And Jesus knew their burden and took pain to explain His words.
My disciples, said Jesus, my flock is as varied as the animals on Noah's Ark. You all celebrate in different ways depending on the land of your birth. So, for each of you, celebrating the day of my birth will be different. And Jesus went on to instruct the apostles in how each nationality must honor him on Christmas.
I bid you listen here, called Jesus, for what I tell is the word of God. And the disciples all listened to Him. I will, cried Jesus, begin with the Italians, for they are the ones who decorate most fervently. If ye be Italian deck thy house with many lights. Make sure thine lights are colored and blink. Never has an Italian frowned upon glowing plastic statuettes of My Mother, Mary. Deck they yard with figurines and a plastic light-up nativity scene. It is important, continued the Lord, that ye never take thine lights down and leave them up all the year round. Everyone in the neighborhood will knoweth that ye love me. Also, maketh an Italian flag out of red, white and green Christmas lights and display it on thy house. For I am the one true God, and I must be honored by electric plastic lawn ornaments.
The disciples were pleased, but bade Jesus continue. Next, the Lord said, I shall instruct the Hispanics, for they are many in my flock. If ye be Hispanic ye will celebrate in thine own way. Ye shall blast "Feliz Navida" from thine home on repeat and ye shall sing along. Ye shall forsake the cheap, Chinese-made figurines of the Italian, and instead adorn thine house with opulent golden crucifixes and a nativity scene where I appear to be Mexican. Ye shall hang a painting of My Mother, Mary, framed in blue velvet and golden yarn. All shall know you love Me and all will argue over who is tackier, the Hispanic or the Italian.
The disciples grew displeased. Jesus, asked Mark, I am neither the Italian nor the Hispanic, for I am white trash; how shall I decorate mine own home? And Jesus calmed Mark and said, I shall now tell the White Trash how ye shall decorate thine home. Ye shall adorn your double-wide trailer with sparse, but well-intentioned ornaments. All of thy decorations shall have been bought secondhand and shall be stained, dented, or burned in some way. Ye shall deck thy front yard with a Santa figure, yet he shall be missing four reindeer. In each of thy two windows, ye shall place a plastic candle with an electric flame atop it. These candles shall be stained yellow from thy cigarette smoke in ye trailer. Perhaps even, ye could string a "merry Christmas" banner across thy door on which one side will fall off. Yours shall be a depressing site.
And Mark thanked Jesus for His wisdom. And Jesus said, there is one more group that I shall instruct, The Jews. Being that all there were Jewish, the twelve listened well. If ye be Jewish, ye shall disdain the day of my birth. Ye shall celebrate the Chanukah in retaliation. Upon your lawn ye shall place large, glowing menorahs and stars of David. Ye shall let everyone know that Santa cometh not to thine house. On the day of My birth, ye shall see a movie with others of your beliefs and eateth the food of the Asian. It shall be a day of sadness for you and ye shall curse Me and my flock. For, be it unfair that thy neighbor geteth a great big tree and all ye have is nine small candles. Do not be angry my Jewish brethren, for ye had a Bar Mitzvah and they did not.
And the disciples understood His word and all was well. And for all time would the world know how it should decorate for the birthday of the Lord. Now, said Jesus, who will bringeth the eggnog to the Temple party? And again, all the disciples fell silent.