People You Hate XV Special Holiday Edition
Tis the season" to be hateful. Here at "A Word From The Streets" we specialize in bringing you the very latest, very ugliest hate we can. And now, with Christmas dead and gone and a big stack of clothing awaiting return, we bring you a special Holiday edition of The Famous Hate List. It just wouldn't be that time of year without the anger.
*To anyone wishing to submit a hate list entry, please email me at suxatlife@hotmail and let it all out. The next edition will return to the normal, everyday kind of hate we know and love.
Wendel the Whiny Jew: Most Jewish people like Christmas. This may sound strange but it is true. If it weren't for Christmas, Jewish kids wouldn't get presents on Chanukah. Plus, many Jewish families give gifts on or around Christmas just for fun. They keep intact the commercial aspect of the holiday without all the messy Jesus stuff (something I wouldn't have minded halfway through the 2 hour mass I attended on Christmas Eve). But there is always one Jew, one asshole, who can't seem to deal with the fact that, yes, Christians like to celebrate their holidays. He gets all pissy about Christmas trees in public places and chastises you for wishing him a merry Christmas. "I don't celebrate Christmas," he says in a snotty tone, "I'm Jewish." Ok, well, happy Chanukah then. It doesn't matter to us; we're all in a good mood because we know that in a few days we will be swimming in products we didn't pay for. If you don't like the Christmas trees outside, stick a Star of David on top (after all, Jesus was Jewish). But, above all, please just keep your anger to yourself and let us celebrate our holiday without the guilt trip. We're not hurting anybody by giving each other presents. Shit, I'll buy you a present if you'll just shut the hell up. We don't get all mad about Yom Kippur, do we? Wendel, I hate you and your Scrooge-ish ways.
*To any of my Jewish readers, I joke because I love. Feel free to submit Christian-themed hate at any time. Also, interesting note: Microsoft Word spellcheck recognizes about 200 ways to spell "Chanukah."
Mr. New Year: I put a lot of faith in people. I put so much faith in people that I often depend on them. Thus, I have been let down again and again by this man; Mr. New Year. He is your buddy that is going to make all the plans for your new years revelries. He was going to call the hotel and make reservations, he was going to buy all the Champaign for the hotel party, he was going to buy the tickets to the bar. Did he do any of this? No, no he didn't. For weeks you're expecting to ring in the new year atop some cool hotel with a glass of Moet in your hand, but what happens? You're in your parent's basement watching Dick Clark with a six pack of Natty and half a cigar you managed to steal from your Dad. He has ruined new years once again. Goddamnit, Mr. New Year, why don't you let me do the planning this year? You're a worthless excuse for a friend who likes the responsibility but consisstantly fails to follow through. I should ring in the new year by beating you senseless with a blackjack. But instead, I'll just complain and sip my warm beer in your parent's basement while you swear that, "the hotel was all booked up, dude. I called, like, a month ago." Sure you did, asshole. Mr. New Year, I fucking hate you!
Reader Jessy Y. really hates: the 22-year-olds whose parents still give them tons of money to buy presents. yeah, my mom will put my name on something for great uncle bob who I never see, but when it comes to my parents and brother, I'm stuck paying. so I really don't want to hear about how your mom gives you ONLY $300 bucks to go Christmas shopping, and the expensive shit you bought your friends and family, because yeah, your gift came from the clearance rack at goody's, and you better be fucking happy I even got you one, you ungrateful bitch. Now excuse me, I have to go check the vending machines for quarters so i can afford buy my dad that book he wanted. maybe I'll just burn him a cd with downloaded songsit's the thought that counts.
Reader Steph F. at U. of Memphis really hates: Scowling elderly. I held the door open for you. I smiled, I wished you a nice day of Christmas shopping. And you looked at me like I was trying to mug you. Yes, we are in Memphis. Yes, college kids have no money. But that doesn't mean I'm going to beat you over the head with my Old Navy purse to steal your Metamucil coupons. We haven't quite reached that point of desperation. Some old ladies are happy to be smiled at by a "youngun", but not you, you wrinkly old bitch. You'd rather scowl and hurry away from me. I'm a fucking 19 year old female with a southern accent I couldn't be threatening if I tried!!! Damn it lady, I hate you.
Steph also hates: Stupid ass Religions Teacher. Yes, I have dark hair and eyes. Yes, I have a Jewish last name. But remember that card I filled out the first day of class? The one where you asked my religious background so as to know what we were already affiliated with? Read those, bitch. I'm a Buddhist in a Christian family. Not Jewish. Quit wishing me a Happy Hanukah. Don't ask me why I light the Menorah, or to speak to my Rabbi. I DON'T FUCKING HAVE ONE. I'm not a vegetarian because it's kosher. I can't read 'Hebrew. I DON'T SPIN THE FUCKING DREIDEL. But if I did .I would stab you in the eye with it, you dumb ass bitch.
Donovan O. really Hates: holiday music. How many long do we have to be subjected to this shit. It's horrible. If it wasn't horrible then they would play it through out the year and not just for a month and a half. I can't fucking stand going to the mall because you just move from one stupid ass song to another one in the next store. I mean really, who decided that we must automatically listen to holiday music the morning after thanksgiving? It's far too long. So I HATE HOLIDAY MUSIC!!! And I hate you if you fucking play it because if I have to go out and do Christmas shopping with this shit blaring over the speakers at every store I go to then I'm gonna pull out a gun and start cappin people, call it holiday spirit, whatever. So stop playing that shitty holiday music.
Reader Diana really hates: Paul Politically Correct this is the asshole who gets offended when someone wishes him a Merry Christmas instead of saying Happy Holidays. Hey smartguy, we're just trying to be friendly. If you're in a traditionally Christian area, you shouldn't expect everyone to change their holiday spirit for you. If someone of another culture wishes me a Happy Chanukah or Kwanzaa, I'll appreciate that they wanted to share their tradition. Especially if I'm in a country where they are the minority. It's Paul's fault that people at my workplace can get fired for saying Merry Christmas lighten up buddy and enjoy the fact that someone is being nice.
Reader David B at Georgia Tech really hates: the dumb slut red cross bitch who asks me for money outside the mall. I just bought about 12 dollars worth of Christmas presents for both my parents no I can't fuckin donate 72 cents to your charity. Do you understand what 72 cents is worth you whore rag? That's a natty light where I'm from and that's about 1/8th of the way to getting me fucked up for the night. So no, you fuckin bitch I'm a poor ass college kid with 3 dollars and 72 cents in my wallet and I will not give you money so that your bell and stick up your crusty old twat you fuckin bitch I HATE YOU!
Reader Sam P. of High School really hates: In the spirit of the holiday celebrating the birth of Jesus Christ I would like to say that I hate Mr./Mrs. Super-in-your-face-Christian. I know you all know who I'm talking about. They are the ass fucks who like to judge you constantly and always have something condemning to say about EVERY SINGLE activity us normal people do. NOONE I repeat NOONE wants to hear your stupid goddamn ass tell us how to live our lives. Despite what you think, not everyone wants to be told they are going to hell because they looked at a girl with lustful intentions, and yes I was condemned by doing that one time. I already know I'm going to hell, so next time you feel it necessary to make sure I am 100% certain as to where my soul will be tortured for eternity, don't damn me for listening to music that has the word "shit" in it, damn me for making fun of your mentally retarded little brother you goddamn ass. If you feel the need to do God's work so much why don't you just do us all a favor and die and join him .. I HATE YOU. and happy holidays.
Finally, The hater of the Holidays Award goes to Joe M from Baruch College Who hates the following people:
"Patti the walking Planetoid" I work in a mall, during holiday season, and I know its crowded, but there is no reason to waddle along merrily RIGHT INTO ME! I am moving boxes, and you cannot phase through them because I can tell by your blank expression and preoccupation with shiny objects that you probably don't even know how to spell science. Boxes are SOLID, they do not move out of your way. As you shift your orbit to prevent me from getting sucked in, please also take a moment to notice the floor is shaking! That's right, your mass is making thousands of tons of steel and concrete quake. Do us a favor, shop at the fucking drive thru until the bottom of your car collapses.
"Mr I got done back in October" Well whoop-dee-doo I got your medal right here, you shining example of compassion, caring, and financial planning, good job sir! Seriously, fuck you, nobody cares how early you got done with your myriad of purchases for all three people you had to shop for. You always lord it over us mortals that we have to deal with lines, and how if we just got up at 4:30 in the morning on Saturday we could beat the rush. Thanks for your advice, I think I'm going to go sever all my friendships, who needs people anyway? And sleep?! No way, of course I'd rather be out having convulsions from the cold. This is always a competitive person too, you just scored 15 bonus points in the game of life because you care more than me, you must, after all why would you brag to the semi-friends you have that you're such a better person for finishing early. Take that medal and hang yourself by the festive ribbon.
"Ronnie the Christmas Republican" You're right, I hate America, because I'm a dirty filthy liberal. I also eat babies and use the lord's name in vain. Oh shit, I forgot to capitalize the "l". This rare cretin acts like he invented Jesus and Christmas, and never fails to make this holiday political. What's your religion, Joe? Oh, agnostic, and you're a liberal, well why are you celebrating Christmas if you don't believe in it? This isn't your everyday republican, which I get along with, these are the missionaries proslethyzing the American faith. Jesus fucking Christ (oh no going to hell now) not everybody agrees with your religion or your fascist political agenda, I can't put up a tree and give gifts because I'm missing the "true meaning of Christmas"?! Go suck Dick (Cheney) because I'm sure if Jesus saw what his follower's were doing in his name, he'd come back to life just to shoot himself. I'm pretty sure even he doesn't love you, and this just in, J-man believes in evolution.
"Palm tree decorating Pamela" You live where you don't see snow, so what do you do? You light up a tropical tree just before your midnight swim. I don't know what I hate more, that you're warm and I'm not, or that you can't drive your ass to Wal-Mart and get a fake tree. Decorating a palm tree is not clever, its not classy, its from a goddamed Corona commercial. So go off and play with your jetskis, and your Miami beach, because when the summer comes and your house gets blown out to sea, I will sit up here laughing at your lame ass. Just for you, I'm going to take that dollar I was going to donate to the hurricane fund and buy a lotto ticket. I won't even play, I'll just throw it out, because I'm not giving you my dollar out of spite!
Hot damn, that's some fierce Holiday Hate. Remember, if you're offended by any of the entries; feel free to write your own take on the person for the new "reader on reader hate" section. Or, just write me a normal hate list but send either kind to suxatlife@hotmail . Please include your first name, last initial and school. Happy Fuckin' Holidays everyone.