Packing It In

In twelve hours I will set off for a week of sun, sand and possibly Sea World down in Florida. I've been working on my tan by making sure that the sun reflects off the snow at just the perfect angle to give me that oh-so-nice mid-winter New England tan. I've also been working out like a mad man in hopes that I could turn my far from perfect physique into a less than perfect one. Yes, I've certainly been getting ready, but one thing remains to be done: packing.

Here's the problem – when God created the sexes, he made sure to include enough ingrained differences to make sure the world homosexuality rate holds steady at ten percent. To the fairer sex he gave beauty and sexiness and an amazing ability to know about the latest hair products before they reach the market. To the hairier sex he gave competitiveness and rugged charm and the ability to ignite gas from our rectums. Yet, God did not see it wise to give men the ability to pack. So here I am, a few hours away from leaving my cozy Connecticut retreat without a thing to wear! What's a boy to do?

I'll tell ya. Over the years I have perfected a packing method for the confused and frustrated man. It has been tested on many occasions by myself and I swear by it. With this method you bring only what you need and nothing else. Let us begin with clothing because unless you're going to a Seidell family reunion, you're going to need to cover up.

Men wear one pair of jeans, one pair of shorts and one bathing suit. Therefore, this is all you should pack. It doesn't matter if you're gone for a day, a week, or a month, you're never going to wear more than that. When it comes to T-shirts however, feel free to indulge a little. The great thing about T-shirts – actually, any kind of shirt come to that – is that they are so easy to pack. On past occasions, I have packed as many as 14 shirts for a three day trip. They can be jammed inside of shoes, stuffed down by the toiletries or crammed into a backpack next to all that duty free liquor you'll be buying.

Oh yeah, you should probably pack some underwear and socks too, but that's all up to you.

Now, the most important thing to remember when packing your bag is your personal products. Every man, and I mean all of us, has some sort of deodorant, body spray, cologne, etc. that we really enjoy. This product (Axe for me) is to be given pride of place in your baggage. Fuck the digital camera, my Old Spice High Endurance has to go on top. Joining your scent of choice will most likely be a music playing device, a few "guy" magazines and your blanky" Snugglebug.

So, I suppose I should stop putting this off and get packing. To be honest, it's never taken me more than ten minutes, but it's the initial push that's so difficult" you know, like sex or moving a couch. I suppose you won't be hearing from me for a short while but don't fear; I'll be down in Florida wondering why the hell I packed myself twenty T-shirts and not one pair of socks. Oh well, I have more important things to worry about – like how my blister-prone Irish skin is going to get along with the Florida sun. Melanoma here I come!