Truth.com

Every year 95% of people who try to quit smoking fail. Every 8 seconds someone in the world dies from tobacco use. 2000 teens start smoking every day. 80% of adult smokers started before they turned 18. And 100% of me couldn't give any less of a shit.

No doubt you have seen a commercial for truth.com; the website (which is actually "thetruth.com") that encourages the defaming of big tobacco. They are committed to exposing the awful truth behind tobacco companies and bringing all their lies to light. These teen street warriors will go to no end to help citizens understand the risks involved with using tobacco. They will also go to no end to piss me off.

To begin with, the "real life teens" in their ads are intolerable. They remind me of born again Christian teenagers – kids deluded enough to think that it's "cool" to follow the rules. You know them; "You don't have to have sex to be cool. Jesus was the coolest guy in history and he didn't have sex!" Shut up. This gang of do-gooders travels the country to let all the smokers out there know that they are merely pawns in big tobacco's evil game.

The teens always engage in some sort of sabotage act, whether it is stacking body bags in front of a tobacco company building or pointing out that dog shit and cigarettes share some of the same chemicals (you know what else shares some chemicals with dog shit? Dog food). They get on megaphones and shout facts to passersby about the evils of tobacco use. "Cigarette companies advertise to teenagers!" they scream. Of course they do; it's called capitalism, comrade.

Even the way their ads are shot is annoying. The grainy film makes their actions look dangerous, like they're taking part in Project Mayhem in "Fight Club." They want to give you the illusion that they're a guerilla army, spreading the renegade word of truth to the country by subterfuge. I'm surprised they don't wear black arm bands and drive around in beat up jeeps with .50 cal truth-guns jerry-rigged to the back. In reality though, they're just a bunch of holier-than-thou teens finding a way to get back at the smokers who gave them wedgies in gym class. "Ha ha, Randy Garson, I bet you're sorry you stuck my head in a toilet last year now that I have an army behind me…by the way, you're going to die of lung cancer someday." God, I hate these kids.

They word their annoying ads in such a way that it seems tobacco companies want to kill people. Now let me ask you a question: why would a company want to kill off its customers? Is the president of Philip Morris sitting in his office saying, "I just wish there was a way to make our cigarettes more lethal. Wait a minute, why don't we put some anthrax in them?" I don't think so. If there was a way to make a cigarette that wouldn't kill you, they would.

But the most glaringly obvious – and heavily over-used by comedians – fact that the truth squad ignores is that everyone already knows that smoking will kill you. Now, the fact that Levitra may cause anal bleeding and diarrhea" that's something I didn't know. But telling me that smoking is dangerous? What do you think I am? Everyone that thought smoking was harmless died in 1977 of lung cancer. It says smoking is dangerous right on the pack; how could you miss it? I'm looking at my almost empty pack of Parliament Lights right now, learning that if I ever get pregnant my smoking may cause my baby to be born premature. Shit. Sometimes I think the surgeon general is just making stuff up in these warnings. "Smoking may cause erectile problems in males." Really? I mean, I may be short of breath in the act, but the private is still at attention.

However, the truthy's greatest downfall is overlooking the fact that smokers really like smoking. We know the dangers, we know it's stupid, we know that our babies will be born underweight, premature and have flippers, but we don't care. It's our choice to smoke, just like it's their choice to be totally annoying douchebags. Telling a smoker that cigarettes are dangerous is about as useful as telling a pregnant woman that having unprotected sex may cause pregnancy.

If anything, this pack of assholes makes me want to smoke more just to spite them. I want to go to one of their "renegade" street gatherings and blow secondhand smoke at them in hopes of giving them a phlegm-y, hacking cough. I want to follow them around with a megaphone shouting, "Did you know that 100% of smokers find you all annoying, irrelevant and arrogant?" I want karma to bite them in such a way that they are harmed by their actions. I want them to be hurt by one of the other ten million things in this world that will hurt you. I want them to get mercury poisoning from eating too much tuna fish. I want them to destroy their testicles and ovaries from over-enthusiastic microwave use. I want brain tumors from cell phones and terminal bloody noses from Afrin nasal spray. Recurring acid reflux from coffee! UNSIGHTLY MOLES FROM OVEREXPOSURE TO THE SUN! But most of all, I just want them all to shut the hell up and stop telling me what I don't care to, and already, know.

Man" that was intense. I need a smoke.