People You Hate XVII
Hot damn, it's been a while. I apologize for the wait. I've been working on my website and, since I'm completely computer illiterate, it's taken me a while. But not to fear, the hate list lives on. Welcome to the twenty-seventh edition of The Famous Hate List.
*Remember, you can submit hate yourself. Just email me at suxatlife@hotmail !
Laura Late Call: Do you remember when you were in middle school? If you wanted to call a friend, you had to make sure their parents would allow them to talk at that time. Everyone had a specific cutoff time for incoming calls. Mine was 10 PM. Somewhere, this notion of not calling after a certain hour has vanished. Leave it to Laura Late Call to put the final nail in the coffin. You lay in bed at 5 AM, sound asleep, when your phone starts ringing off the hook. Who could it be at this hour? It must be an emergency or they wouldn't call so late. Not so, it's just Laura calling to ask some insanely irrelevant or unimportant question. "Hi, sorry to wake you, but did you get the bio homework from last Thursday?" What the hell is wrong with you that you feel the need to find out this information in the middle of the night" on a Monday?! The next time you feel like calling me at an hour like that, stick a knife in your ear instead, because that's how I feel when you call. Learn some fucking etiquette, you annoying loser" I Hate You!
Bumpy Bob: We all wobble a little bit when we're drunk, but this asshole takes it to the next level. The bar is crowded as it is and Bob here just can't seem to steady himself. He pitches and heaves like a boat on a rough sea, knocking into smaller people all along. It doesn't help that he's 6' 10" and 290 Lbs. His friends all think it's funny to watch their buddy knock into people as he tries to navigate his way to the jukebox. But the 110 Lb girls he's slamming to the ground along the way don't find it so amusing. And neither do I. Bob, you fat slob, stop wobbling around. Why can't you just steady yourself on a wall or something? Or, better yet, kill yourself. You make me spill my beer, you make me knock into other people, but most of all, you make me Hate You!
Reader Lou at UW really hates: I truly hate Badass Lindsey. I just hate her. She's the one who you were friends with for a little bit in high school. When you come home for the holidays, you know you only hang out with her because she knows all the good people for the drug hookups. However, she always feels the need to be badass and one-up you. So you're walking somewhere with her, and she says, "My best-EVER friend in second grade died two months ago," and then she just waits for you to drop everything in your life, fling your arms around her, and cry for the salvation of her friend's soul. Fat chance, bitch! Three of my best friends from high school were murdered, and all you could talk about was where the best place was to redo your fake tan. You always try to be sooo badass, and try to impress me. "Omg omg omg! I totally came to class after I had been drinking, so I had a pause hangover!! Omg!" Oo, watch me care! You think you're the only one under the sun who drinks. By the way, I have a question: if you drink so much, and are around so many 'truly badass' people, why the hell are you still a virgin?! Yeah, I thought so. Another thing you try SO FUCKING HARD to look pretty. You even take offense when a guy says you're not "the hottest girl ever." All of my guy friends say that you would be hot IF you had a better face, didn't tan so much, and didn't dye your hair blonde. I'm naturally blonde, and it looks way better than you could ever hope for, you cunt. You look like you try too hard. You look like one of those fake, shallow bitches from some sorority that we used to bitch about. You are EXACTLY like those 80's bands that were SO AGAINST something, only to eventually turn into the thing they hated. So now you're in with the 'cool crowd'. Do I care? No. I just care about my drugs. But you HAVE to tell me EVERY FUCKING THING that your other friends are doing. You whine and complain about how they whine and complain. YOU'RE A FUCKING HYPOCRITE!!! I hate that. So you're fake, you're shallow, you try too hard, you think I care, you're a fucking hypocrite, and you're still a virgin because you want "everything to be perfect." Jesus. I FUCKING HATE YOU, BADASS LINDSEY. Please go give yourself a sandpaper enema, you fucking cunt.
Reader Jeff D. really hates: Uneducated liberals who bash Bush, capitalism, and so on when they don't know shit. They watch one Michael Moore movie and they think they are frikin political activists. Most of them are those geeky people who wear emo glasses, or the people that are really rich, and went to private school, and think the world is such a horrible place, and say stuff like "We shouldn't have attacked Iraq," or "9/11 was our fault." I hate those fags, and I hate Michael Moore.
Reader Helen from England really hates: Americans who know nothing about Canada (other than that if they go north they will eventually get there), but continually slag it off because they think unwell, homosexual, poor people should die even though they live in the richest country in the world. Also, I hate fucking politicians who ignore the people who put them in power and go to war, sending my peers off to die. Then they make me pay a fortune for my education because they've spent all the taxes on bloody wars.
Reader Janice S. really hates: Perky morning DJs It's bad enough to have to rise before the sun emerges on this vast, primitive, wasteland of a campus; for being a vamp, I loves the nightlife. And the nightlife loves me. But the morning, well, let us say that the morning and I do not get on so very well. And the vamp that had so much fun yestereve, now despises me. So, as I am buttoning and zipping and shitting my damned luck in preparation for my arrival at the prescribed destination precisely five minutes after the beginning of class (since 80% of success is showing up), I am stuck in traffic listening in my car to two people so perky that they have GOT to be on perk-0-dan or sumpin. How I would love to throttle, just once, these two yeah, they have to double team you pesky chimps. This morning zombie girl has no time to fool with CDs, knobs, buttons or other devices to technically obliterate these oppressively effervescent robots (do not try and tell me that they are human). So, yes, I do hate, despise and abhor these merry morning radio ch-imps.
Reader Mary at College of Charleston really hates: Relatives that every time you see them the first question they ask is, "When are you and (insert every good male friend they know) going to get married?" Why are you waiting for me to get married and have kids? Am I not good enough to buy presents for? Do you have to have a screaming, crying two year old to be happy? Because I know that I have no desire whatsoever to spawn in the next year, yet for some reason, you think it's a great idea. For god's sake, I am 22; I do not need to get married, and I do not need a kid. What the hell are you guys thinking? Just because you guys all got married at 14 does not mean that I need to settle and just get it over with. Let's just get one thing straight: unlike you, I am not waiting for the big white dress to "do it." I know, I am such a whore Grandma, but I just couldn't do it; blame the tequila, but well, I AM NOT A VIRGIN. I do not have to get married to do it, and once I get married I do not plan on popping out little mes in the next 7 months (I mean 9 months). In fact, I plan on being on birth control for a while .just like I am right now. Oops. So I guess, what I mean to say is: I hate you Grandma, and all you other old people. I am not getting married anytime soon; my last boyfriend, whom you loved so dearly (just because you were shocked that someone liked me), and I broke up six months ago and now I am hooking up with a whole bunch o' boys. I HATE YOU ..I mean I love you, please don't write me out of your will, but for now I HATE YOU, I HATE YOU, I HATE YOU.
Reader Sarah C. at LA Harbor College really hates: Mr. "I only listen to underground shit that no one else has heard of." If your music was so damn hot, more people would have heard of it. Obscurity does not equal greatness, you jackass! Stop snickering at my Beatles CD, you dickless piece of shit, because I don't care that you "only listen to great music" and no, I've never heard of "we're so emo we wet ourselves". Fuck off, you asshat, I hate you!
Sarah also hates: Mr. "ex-boyfriend who wants to keep in touch but only calls when he's having girl trouble." You know what? I don't care what your girl trouble is. My concern with your girl problems ended when we broke up, you bastard. If you want to keep in touch, try calling more than once a semester. Actually? Why don't you do yourself a favor and grow the fuck up, sprout some balls, and leave me the fuck alone, you gibbering simp. I hate you!
Reader Jenna G. of Cornell University really hates: Pretentious British asshole. You know, the exchange student who came from Britain two years ago and still bitches about how stupid America is. Oooo, we're Americans, automatically we suck because our president is retarded and half the world hates us. We're so "immature" and "wild" and shit like that. We're so much more "disrespectful" here or something. Yeah, get over yourself and your fucking proper heritage. This is the girl who thinks she's so proper and mature because she has a fat ass and big boobs. And she says people think she's "so much older" when she goes to her stupid clubs and makes so many 60 year old, masturbating, online friends. Newsflash, bitch: don't trust everyone you meet online, or at your stupid clubs. They probably think that even though they haven't gotten any in a while, they can at least score with a fat chick. And since they think she's so much older, she thinks she has a right to chastise us about how we live our lives. Then, when we're in a bad mood, she's all, "get over it" etc. and when we get mad she always says we're "overreacting." Fuck, if I'm upset, I'll act however I want. I won't change the way I react just because you disapprove, bitch. And on the topic of how people act, whenever anyone makes remarks about her accent, she starts getting all moody and shit, saying how everyone's "racist." What the fuck ever, bitch. Maybe if you didn't make so many remarks on how people are so much better in Great Britain, people would actually like you. I'll laugh when you get raped by your fucking internet friend who's 40 years older than you.
Jenna also hates: Apathetic Friend. This is the girl who loves to talk about herself. You always try and make her feel better and shit like that, and stay with her when she gets piss drunk over some stupid boy-trouble, but when you feel like shit, she doesn't help you; she just leaves to go fuck some guy. This is the girl who doesn't care if her friends are upset, as long as she gets what she wants. I want to go somewhere, but there's this guy she NEVER sees and she HAS to hang out with because she REALLY wants him, and shit like that. No BITCH. Get over yourself, he has a fucking girlfriend! He shamelessly hits on everyone, you're not special! And then because, OH MY GOD she hasn't a boyfriend in 2 months, she starts complaining. "Is it because I flirt too much? I think it's because I'm friends with too many guys" " You're complaining to the girl who just got dumped 4 days ago by her first boyfriend since high school?! MAYBE YOU DON'T HAVE A BOYFRIEND BECAUSE YOU'RE SUCH AN APATHETIC WHORE! This is the same girl goes to parties and lies across 5 guys, while they're all feeling her up at the same time and trying to come up with ways to score with her. Fuck you, apathetic bitch-whore.
Reader ActionKym of UNR, Reno, really hates: My car battery. Any other battery would have stayed charged while I took a nap on my way home New Year's morning, but no you had to go dead while I was fifteen miles away from anything. And thanks to you, I had the pleasure of walking through a northern Wyoming snowstorm while it was five below zero at five in the morning, all the way home, with a shirt tied around my head as a scarf. When I have time, I'm changing you out, setting you on my driveway, and unloading every fucking rifle I have into your sorry casing. Then I'm going to drag you back the way I had to walk that night and leave you there for the birds to shit on you.
Reader Jeff H. of UT, San Antonio really hates: Mr. "I Paid 16.99 for a 18pk of Horse Piss in a Can." Hey, nobody gives a shit how much you paid for your beer. Just because you pay more and don't know how to shop for beer that tastes good and costs less, doesn't make you any better then me. You're the one that walks around the party, parading your beer box around like you want everyone to know that you paid too much for your beer; you know who you are! You're the one that makes us have to put up with those fucking Bud Light commercials. Here's to you, Mr. "I buy a beer because it costs more money than most can afford." That should be the next commercial; did I already say I hate you? If you would stop buying all that crap, I wouldn't have to watch a Rolling Rock, Bud Light, or Heineken commercial every 3 minutes. I can buy two sixers of Lone Star Light Tallboys for 6 bucks; what do you say to that? Not only am I gonna have 16 beers, but I've only spent like, $6.47 (including tax) and I'm gonna enjoy it. Wake up and realize I hate you, and I hate your expensive beer!
Reader Boston John of Temple University hates the following:
1. Yankees fans. Yankees suck.
2. Stuck up bitches. You know who you are, bitches, and if you're too cool or hot to talk to me, I'll just go find some girl who isn't.
3. People who brag about how much they can drink. Maybe someday you can use your amazing skills to become a professional drinker. Oh wait, there is not such thing.
4. People who bitch about the cold. Yeah jackass, I know it's cold; deal with it.
5. Canadian Geese. Next time you cocky fucking birds stroll through the street, I'm not stopping for you.
6. Motorists who bitch about me riding my bike on the road. How selfish of me for slightly inconveniencing you because I need to get around too. Go ahead and fucking honk. It'll just make me get more in your way and go slower.
7. People who publicly call me out on looking/smelling stoned.
8. Fat chicks who think they are hot. You aren't hot, you're fat.
9. People who leave half full beers. What the fuck is your problem, lightweight? Finish your fucking beer.
10. Frat guys who think they are the coolest fuckers on the planet, and talk about their frat constantly. Have fun roofying freshman bitches, asshole.
Reader Dave S. really hates: Captain America. Wow, good for you, you're American. This is particularly directed at that Canada-hating jerkoff from list XXV. I'm so glad you feel superior you redneck, Yankee, zealot fuck. What's that? You think free health care is stupid? Have you never been sick, never been hurt? Never had to fork over thousands of dollars to get that broken arm looked after? Too bad you don't have free health care, maybe your HMO is feeling generous today. What's that? Half your population believes God created man in our present form 10,000 years ago? Boy, it must be nice to walk around in some delusional, clearly infallible fantasy-land, where science is some kind of bane on your religious freedom. Boy, I wish I hated gays enough to refuse them basic civil liberties because it would clearly cause your perfect little backyard hotdog and apple pie patrio-fest to collapse in on itself, creating a black hole so powerful, only ignorance can escape. By the by, thanks for the whole 'rebirth of Islamic terrorism' thing, nothing I like more than being a target by association because you feel you need more oil. Hey, missiles in space, that sounds like a good idea! Instead of convincing North Korea to discontinue its nuclear arms program, let's dare them to test it out by telling them we can block missiles. Nah-na-na-na-na, you can't hit me Good thing all that fallout is going to land in Canada kinda like all that pollution you keep spewing into our airspace sure is better than reducing emissions. Too bad Toronto is a disease-infested wasteland. Also, too bad you can't turn off your fucking reality shows to watch the news once in a while. "Oh good, "'Who's Your Daddy' is on, no need for me to switch on something intelligent and find out SARS was news more than a year ago," or were you so busy with that whole ignorance thing you didn't notice? Maybe you were too busy fighting back the killer bees and trying to keep your streets free of guns that everybody is guaranteed the right to carry. Newsflash, the British aren't coming back to get you; there's no need to have everyone over the age of five packing a fucking Uzi to church. Wasn't slavery in your constitution once? I wonder why there's so much crime in the US of A. Yeah, Canada sure does suck; what's with that Prime Minister NOT trying to weasel out of bad press by claiming the Geneva Convention doesn't apply to him? Nothing makes our troops safer than telling the world the defenders of freedom are going to torture you if you don't submit. Sure is nice of you to try and spread democracy maybe democracy is something that should be taught, not spread like some god-damned viral infection. I'll bet the whole world is elated to hear how much the US disapproves of everything we do that doesn't directly benefit them. Even more so, my dear American, I hate having to rebut like this because you are infuriated by the nicknames we use for our currency, maybe it's okay to be different, maybe we're stuck together, maybe just maybe we should work together for a change. Maybe then all those people who immigrate to you from the 3rd world countries you create and maintain, will stop using you as a thoroughfare to the great white north (that includes a few of your beloved marines). Also, for future reference, your hateful rantings don't need to be punctuated every third word with some nonsensical derivative profanity, all you need is a simple I HATE YOU!
Reader Ashlee of Creighton University really hates: All of the arts and sciences school kids who like to give us business students shit for our comparatively less rigorous curriculum requirements. The reason bio and chem are hard majors is because you actually have to be fucking intelligent to be a doctor, dumbfuck. I mean, come on, who wants Dr. Dumb-as-motherfucking-rocks cutting their body open or prescribing them pills? Not me, and probably not you either. (I take back that pills part, it might be nice to be prescribed OxyContin or Ritalin whenever I want, but still, you get the point). Yeah, that's what I thought, you arrogant fuckhead prat! Hey genius, here's a brain-buster for ya, chew on this one: we're both gonna graduate with degrees mine's just gonna be a hell of a lot fucking easier than yours to get, and is going to look just as good to potential employers, so who's the smart one now? Eat shit and die, assclowns! We business kids are learning the true real-world skills: procrastination, bull-shitting, ass-kissing and most importantly, networking with all of the people who will one day be YOUR bosses. Fuck, I could be your boss one day, so while you're busting your ass after umpteen years of med school and residencies, I'm going to be schmoozing and double-dealing with all of my other CEO friends in the Hamptons. Go jerk off to your bio diagrams because I HATE YOU!
Ashlee also hates: All of you thirsty bitches that ruin it for the rest of us girls who actually have money and don't mind chipping in for booze every now and then; we are a rare breed but we DO exist. (No, you cannot have my phone number, sorry ) Anyway, back to my hate: you greedy, gold-digging bitches make guys all hyper-sensitive about their booze inventory because they've been taken around the block by your scheming, booze-stealing ways so many fucking times. They let you into the party anyway, hoping for the love of god that you put out, which you never do (but that's another story" ). I see you grab the bottle when the party host goes to the bathroom or to play beer pong or whatever, and slip just a little more "happy juice" into that stupid Nalgene bottle that's permanently attached to your evil, moochy fingers. I also see you grab 3 beers at once and "hide" the two you're not drinking yet behind the couch/table/bed/whatever so that you can continue to drink in secret when the case is long gone. You also make it increasingly hard for a self-respecting girl to ask for a drink from a friend without feeling like a total asshole. I don't have a liquor stash 24/7 to drink from, sad as it may be, so a friendly favor is sometimes necessary to keep the alcoholism at bay (but I always pay back, that's the difference between me and you, you white-trash frat whore). Grrr . I hope you die of alcohol poisoning, you moochy, greedy, selfish, sneaky bitches, because I HATE YOU!
Reader Steph at SHSU really hates: Girls who have never worked a day in their lives. I'm glad that your whore of a mother just married her fifth husband and has enough alimony to buy a small island; stop talking about it already! You want to tell me about how hard it is for you to keep up with your schoolwork? Try taking 15 hours AND playing sports AND working a full-time job! (Not that I'm complaining). Then you can barge into MY room and tell me how hard life is. The hardest thing for you to do is get into Le Spa to get your ugly ass a massage. Get over your drama of a life! Oh, and stop eating my groceries and drinking my beer! You have enough money to buy your own damn chef! Get the fuck out of my apartment! I hate you!
Reader Seth H. really hates: "Cant let it go Liberal" This is the douche bag liberal who can't let go of the fact that their Democratic candidate LOST THE ELECTION. "If John Kerry had won, we wouldn't be in this shitstorm, blah blah blah." Get over it, you fucking wastes of life. America voted, and you saw the results. There isn't shit you can do except move to gay ass Canada, who decided to protest our president despite the fact that they would be nothing without us. Trust me, most of us who voted republican don't think Bush is the smartest guy either, but hey, the polls are in. Wait, they were in 3 fucking months ago!! John Kerry lost and at least he was graceful in his loss; we haven't seen his face since. Too bad we have to hear about it from all the sore losers that are living in the past and aren't doing shit about the fact that Bush won the Electoral and Popular vote as well. Shut the fuck up about the fact your guy lost, and get active then! Or get a fucking life, or go straight to hell. And when you get to hell, I hope Satan pokes you in the eye and fucks you in the ass with a 12 inch black dildo, you fuckin pieces of shit. I hate you!
Now, for our Hater of The Week, we go to Aaynr of the US Navy, who hates all of the following: I really hate people who tell me I'm too serious. So what if I don't happen to think that duct taping somebody with cerebral palsy and way of defending himself to the floor is funny. So what if I refuse to become a whore like 99 percent of the navy population because I would rather avoid the "STD thing" and save some self dignity to tell my children about? So what if I actually study the material the Navy is training me with so I don't screw up and let a troop of soldiers die because I didn't know how to work the fucking radio because I decided to go get drunk instead of studying for my test that I would barely scrape by, and end up going into the fleet as a complete idiot, therefore wasting taxpayer's money? I'm sure the people who rely on me getting their information about where the enemy is don't really care if I know what I'm doing or not.
I also hate people who point out my flaws in front of others. Next time somebody points out any imperfection I have, no matter how slight, I will rip off his head and eat it, which should show how much I hate you considering I'm a vegetarian.
I also hate all the chiefs here who tell me that my hair is "unsat" because I can't put it in a proper military bun. Well Chief, you can blame the jackasses at boot camp who took sheep shears to my head while being blindfolded and made me pay the eight dollars to have what little femininity I had left "cut" off. I also hate the chief who keeps telling me to get another haircut. Fuck no, jackass. My hair will never be within military regulations ever again.
I also hate my roommate who tells me to be more girly. I really don't think that if my belt and shoes don't match my shirt, it's a federal crime. Also, boots go with anything, no matter what you say. And no, I'm not buying another pair of shoes. If you suggest it to me once more, I'm going to bludgeon you to death with those Ugg boots you have. Also, it's not manly to voluntarily to go running and exercising, it's called taking care of yourself. This is the girl who went running with me once and wanted to go to McDonald's afterward. I wanted to strangle her.
I hate the McDonald's on base. I wish it would catch fire, and go up in a thirty-foot ball of flames that would hopefully take out the guys who think "what's your rate?" is the best double-ended pickup line ever.
I hate guys who think that their girl/boyfriends are going to stay with them forever. Last time I checked, staying away from your significant other for more than two days or moving to another "zip code," gives them full reign to cheat on you. Nobody has morals anymore; that's reality, my friend. S/he (it is the navy) is not going to wait for four years until your slavery with the US Government has ended.
And lastly, I hate not being able to murder all the idiots in the world, or at the very least, the ones who cross my path, without having to go to jail, pay endless fees for legal defense, and possibly waiting years to get a shot that will kill me instantly. Somebody who thinks that their I.Q. is 20/20 should not be allowed to live. (true story, by the way).
It seems that one reader in particular pissed a lot of people off. Look out Karl, you have some haters on your tail.
Katie W. Hates Karl: I, Katie W., hate Karl, who hates all of the "assmonkeyfuckwhore" canucks to his northern side. I want to make it clear that I don't hate him because he hates Canada, plenty of people do that already. I just hate him as a person. I don't really have a good reason; he just strikes me as a guy who's worth hating, you know? Like one of those obnoxious, really annoying, loud guys who get really overexcited about really mediocre things, and may or may not spit when he talks? I could be wrong, but I'll take my chances.
Eric D. hates Karl: Karl who was ragging on Canadians. First of all I'd like to say that I do enjoy many Americans (such as Streeter). I love your country too, especially New York and New Hampshire. But Karl, you have done it now!!! Windsor isn't the jewel in the Canadian university crown Karl, but you know what, many people who have gone through there in business and automotive engineering now sit on the board of directors for Chrysler. So it looks like Windsor is at least holding its own. I don't know why Canadians would go to a U.S. university, seeing as the perk of being a Canadian is that university here is FREE, and on average, offers a better education than U.S. universities (actual fact, look it up, if you can read). This is because there is no great divide between Ivy League schools and community colleges. It's all good up here.
Then there is healthcare. If you're too moronic to see free health care as a good thing, I'm surprised you breathe on your own. Free health care is entitled to all Canadians and puts us ahead as a society in the world. You will realize the importance of free health care when the Canadians at your university find you and break your legs, and your hospital bill is more than your first house.
Now this next one is too easy. I'd say it is a pretty good argument that Canada is holding the upper hand when you admit your most powerful representative, one who actually has the power to destroy the world, is a retard. That's pretty bad. These are not my words but yours, remember that. Also, what does that say about the Americans who elected him; are you hating on them too?
Now the line about Canada being No.1 at being North of America: didn't I just see that on a t-shirt from urban outfitters, you unoriginal, plagiarizing hack. Get your own material.
Naming five U.S. presidents is easy for most Canadians, because we aren't totally ignorant of other cultures. On the other hand, there is a very funny show up here called "Talking to Americans" that exploits how ignorant you guys are about us. One of your senators actually thought our parliament building was an oversized igloo, and your president thought our prime minister was named Jean Poutine.
BTW, Kennedy, Taft, Adams, Jefferson, Washington, Truman, Ford, Nixon, Bush, Bush, Jackson, Lincoln, Harrison, Reagan, Eisenhower, Quincy Adams, and this is just off the top of my head. I bet I could own you in your own history.
And who cares what we call our money, your president is retarded. We know we have funny money, for god sakes, it's different colors. But dammit, it's cool. And I guess calling our change loonies and toonies is just as unoriginal as making all bills the same color.
Last but not least, don't threaten us. The only sport that still allows fighting, hockey, is our sport, and when the Olympics, world juniors and any other hockey event rolls around, we whup your ass. Plus, 60% of the NHL is Canadian. Also, Lennox Lewis was the recent heavyweight champion of the world, and guess what he had? That's right, Canadian citizenship.
I could put lots of other things in here, but I'm not here to start a fight with anyone, especially any other Americans. Like I said before, lots of you guys and girls are cooler than ice, but Karl is a douchebag and I HATE HIM.
That's all the hate for now. Remember to submit your hate to suxatlife@hotmail (please include your first name, last initial and school).