Comic-Con doesn't stand a chance against this real-life Legion of Doom
By Caldwell Tanner and Susanna Wolff
The Six Supervillains of Nerd Culture
1. The Bro
Image: A standard bro holding two x-box controllers like baterangs. He wears a batman tee-shirt and a hat with a direwolf on it. He also has a pookah shell necklace and looks like a real piece of shit.
Quote: “Just saw Avengers for the third time this month, Josh Wheebun is the fucking man, bro!”
Power: Loving everything you love, but for exactly the wrong reasons.
Crimes: Taking over every Call of Duty midnight release and then making you afraid to go on XBox Live.
Weakness: Actually being called a nerd.
2. The Imposter
Image: A very pretty-looking girl with lenseless glasses. She is holding a bow and arrow backwards and wearing a star wars shirt. On her belt is an N64 controller.
Quote: “I basically spend like all day looking at lolcats on facebook, I’m such a huge nerd!”
Power: Generating a large amount of self-esteem by making herself appear less cool.
Crimes: Flooding Tumblr with bad memes and keeping Big Bang Theory on the air.
Weakness: Playing a videogame other than Mario Kart
3. The Pervert
Image: A sweaty neckbeard with leering eyes. He has a yaoi paddle and a creepy body-pillow shield. His shirt has a creepy cthulu with a bunch of tentacles on it. he has a satchel and a utilikilt. His satchel has the word “2 kawaii 4 u” written on it.
Quote: “Who needs a girlfriend when you’ve got ANIMé?
Power: Able to ruin any fiction by transforming it into fan-fiction.
Crimes: Keeping the hentai industry in business and just generally skeeving you out.
Weakness: Actual human interaction/direct eye contact
4. The Youth
Image: Three hyperactive children. One wears an Angry Birds hat, one holds a DS and wears an Xbox Live headset, one has a Jar Jar Binks shirt and CARS action figure.
Quote: “What do you mean Battleship was a game first? Like...a videogame?”
Power: Able to view the world with a naive sense of innocent wonder.
Crimes: Enjoying everything you hate, and totally undermining the integrity of any and all franchises you actually do enjoy.
Weakness: Forced to view the world with a naive sense of innocent wonder.
5. The Alpha Nerd
Image: An angry looking nerd who is basically Owen. He wears a Red Lantern shirt. He has just flipped a table full of magic cards.
Quote: “The Hunger Game is just a fucking DUMBED DOWN “BABY’S FIRST DYSTOPIA” VERSION OF THE BATTLE ROYALE AND YOU FUCKING KNOW IT.”
Power: Can talk about the things he hates and defend the things he loves for an infinite amount of time.
Crimes: Spewing his opinions all over the Internet, making forums and comments sections toxic and uninhabitable.
Weakness: Being wrong.
6. The Executive
Image: A real bitchy-looking, Ursula-esque older woman in a power suit. She holds a contract in one hand and an ominous, Loki-like pen in the other.
Quote: “ORIGIN STORIES FOREVER!!”
Power: Can reboot a franchise at will using the power of contractual obligation.
Crimes: Holding characters hostage and preventing them from being ever being in a good film.
Weakness: Getting below 50% on RottenTomatoes