The Streety Awards IV: Winners
Here they are Ladies and Gentlemen: the winners of the third Streety Awards.
Most Over-Hyped Movie: While I could not get over the amount of you who had actually seen "Sideways," it still could not defeat the mighty media machine behind Zach Braff's "Garden State." This epic tale of a dude who hangs around his old town was painted as the next "Graduate," and Braff himself was, for once, taken seriously. Sadly though, most of you found that it did not live up to the hype and left you feeling a little like he does in the movie. Maybe I can explain: you went to the movie expecting to see some clever or tremendous piece of art and instead saw what it must be like to live in Jersey. How sad.
Celebrity Who Isn't As Hot As She Acts: We're all used to snotty little brats acting like the world owes them a favor. We're probably even more used to seeing girls who aren't attractive act as if they are. This angers us. If you're going to act like the cock of the walk, you better have the physical beauty to back it up. And while Britney, Paris and Camryn Manheim all act hotter than they are, the biggest delusional is, of course, Lindsay Lohan. It seems the Ms. Lohan hasn't looked in the mirror in a while because you voted her the winner for this category by almost 75%. I guess you guys don't like freckles.
Best Chewing Gum: Ah, it's been proven again: we're all suckers for a cute British accent. With Winterfresh and Dentyne Ice running a close 2nd and 3rd respectively, the Streety goes to Orbitz. I'm not sure if Orbitz is from England or not, but I do know that it has one of the best marketing campaigns out there. They have somehow convinced us to buy a gum touted as a British invention when we all know the British have teeth that would make a rabbit laugh. But on the other hand, it does give you that good, clean feeling" no maahtter whhhat.
Worst Way To Show Someone You Love Them: I thought carving someone's name into your arm was a bad idea. I thought composing poetry was even worse. And if you sacrifice a pet in someone's honor, you should probably be hospitalized. But all of you seem to think that the worst way to show someone you love them is to confess that "I think about you when I'm pleasing myself." As soon as the votes started coming (pun intended), the stories weren't far behind. "Dude," said one young man, "I said that to my girlfriend and she dumped me. The funny part is, it wasn't true at all!" Maybe it's best to keep your fantasies to yourself next time.
Worst Tattoo: Having two myself, I know a thing or two about the art of body inking. I also know that a barbed wire arm band is a horrible tattoo. But it's not as bad as a butterfly above the asscrack. You, however, found a "Spring Break 86" tattoo to be the absolute worst. I can understand; I've been on spring break and not only am I not proud of what I did there, I also don't want to commemorate it at all. Some notable write ins: "Chinese symbol of any kind, anywhere," "Your own name" and "Lyrics from a sad song."
Best Male Deodorant Spray: It seems that the days of Old Spice are coming to an end. Young men these days no longer want to smell like their grandfathers. Instead, when you reach for something to cover up the leaking odor from your hairy body, you turn to something edgy, something sexy" you turn to Axe. I own four scents myself and, while it hasn't got me laid, it has helped me think that I will. The way I see it, as long as you're wearing your Axe, something good will eventually happen to you. It's true, the commercial said so.
Worst Prescription Drug Side Effect: It looks like all of you are horny bastards because impotence won this category by a mile. I guess I could live with diarrhea, bloody stools and sweaty palms if I could still have my libido. However, wouldn't it be a little hard to use that libido when you're shitting blood and sweating through your gloves?
Worst "Trivial Pursuit" Edition: We've all played Trivial Pursuit at some point in time. Maybe some of you have even played a special edition such as "the 1960s" or "the Jeopardy edition." But none of you would want to play Trivial Pursuit, "The Carson Daly Edition" if it existed, that is. Some of you even wrote in to suggest possible questions: "Carson Daly dated this one time A-cup in the late nineties? Tara Reid." "Carson Daly stopped being cool in what year? 1981." I hope he doesn't read this.
Personal Accessory That Says, "I'm Better Than You.": Every now and then we feel like being better than everyone else. That's when we go out and acquire something that does the talking for us. Three years ago it was the iPod. If you saw someone fiddling around with the then-new gadget your heart would sink and a curtain of shame would descend upon your body, for you knew that this person was better than you could ever be. Nowadays we all have iPods. However, we don't all have a big, huge bag of cocaine, and that, it seems, says "I'm better than you." Someone wrote in to tell me that they had all four of the nominees but felt no better than me. All I can say to this is, I will trade you my computer for either a super-model girlfriend or a blackberry. Please, email me back.
Best Magazine That Almost Shows Nipple: And the winner is" Maxim! I was sad to see that FHM did not win, but I will doff my cap to Maxim nonetheless. You know, when I think back on the saddest times in my life, I will always remember this one instance. I was probably fifteen and I had obtained a copy of Maxim from one of my older friends. Now, keep in mind that I was a reasonably intelligent kid with a pretty firm grasp on physics and such. That being said, I somehow convinced myself that if I turned the page just right, I would be able to somehow see nipple. I sat and turned and tilted the page, knowing full well that this method would not work, for over an hour. It was the saddest day of my life.
Best Naturally Occurring Element: What a shocker, Hydrogen wins again! It seems this light, essential element has been taking home all the awards lately. Honestly, this category was more for the write-ins than for the nominees. I got some pretty serious ones from chem. students across the country. "IRON BITCH!" wrote one. "Magnesium is the shit dude, seriously," wrote another. Please, guys, life is not about the elements, it's about what happens when they get together; find something better to do with your time than studying the periodic table.
Rapper With The Worst Luck: While many rappers seem to be getting into trouble or having tragedy befall their families, none is worse off that our old friend Biggie Smalls. On top of being morbidly obese and having a lazy eye, he got shot to death. Biggie's life makes Kanye West's car accident look like a stubbed toe.
Best Passive Aggressive Way To Anger A Roommate: We all hate our roommates, but we never want to say anything about it. Instead, we practice passive aggressive behavior. My favorite way to piss the ol' roomies off is turning up the volume on my music louder than theirs. A lot of you agreed with me too, almost 30%. However, for you guys, the best passive aggressive way to piss off the roommate is to punch him or her in the face and deny it. I haven't tried this one yet, but I'm sure it would work.
Best Country Other Than America: God Save The Queen! It's England! In a close heat with Australia, England narrowly nudged her sub-equatorial colony out of the door with only a two vote lead. I was surprised Canada did not do better in this category. I know a lot of you are Canadian and thought you would have voted for your homeland. Instead, I got a lot of votes for England or Australia with taglines at the bottom about how much Canada sucks. I urge these people to caution; Canada may be cold and lifeless in winter but St. Catherine Street in Montreal is perhaps the best place on earth. Long live our neighbor to the north.
Well, that's all for the 3rd Streety Awards. Join us next time with all new categories and prejudices when the Streety Awards return in April!