Hello everyone, welcome back to the Famous Hate List. If there is one thing that binds the entire world together, it is the rampant hate that runs through our blood and I am glad to help you let it out. Without further ado, here it is: the twenty-ninth edition of the Famous Hate List.
*Remember, you to can be in the hate list. Just email email@example.com BUT, next issue will be the 30th and I want to do something special. So, instead of the run of the mill hate list, send me submissions on Inanimate Objects You Hate (like cell phones, pencils or Anna Nicole Smith) Include your first name, last initial and school. Check out streeterseidell.com for entries as they come in.
Freddy Food Finger: You know, I really enjoy eating. I've been doing it for years and I think I'm pretty good at it. In fact, I consider eating one of my top three things to do to stay alive. There is little that can stop me from eating, but Freddy Food Finger has figured out a way, the dirty bastard. Freddy, it seems, is a tactile sort of fellow. Not merely content to smell or see my food, he feels it necessary to poke his fat, dirty finger into it. "What the fuck?" I ask him. "Dude, chill out. I just wanted a little taste." Ok, but how about asking, you fat motherfucker. If I find your girlfriend attractive and want "just a little taste," I'll give her a hug, not stick my filthy finger in her; try applying that technique. Freddy, you make bile rise in my throat when I see your dirt-caked nail dive into my pasta. I hope one day your wandering digits will find their way to the trigger of a gun and you can get a taste of that, you fat piece of shit. I Hate You!
Stupid Sarah: I understand that as humans we all have different levels of intelligence. I don't look down on stupid people for being stupid, but I do look down on smart people who pretend they're stupid. Take Sarah for instance: she had good SAT scores, goes to a good school and gets good grades. Yet, for some reason, Sarah can't seem to do anything right. You see Sarah has taken a page from the Jessica Simpson school of social interaction: If you want boys to like you, act dumb and look good! Mrs. Lachay, you are wrong in this case. There is nothing more annoying than a smart girl acting dumb to look "cute." It's not funny, it's not charming and it's not sexy. I don't believe for a second that you don't know how to change the channel on your TV or turn on your microwave, so stop acting like a clueless child in need of help. Why don't you grow the hell up and stop asking me if I "could help out with this bag of popcorn." Acting like a ditzy retard is not going to get you laid, but it may get you slapped, you stupid/smart bitch" I Hate You!
Reader George C B. of U. of Melbourne really hates: social security indigenous dude X. Though maybe this may refer to many people, get this, I don't fucken care! Hah! You lazy prick, just lying in the gutter, claiming your free social security payments, and holding a goddamn sign asking for money isn't actively seeking work, you lazy shit! And your goddamn people take up precious tertiary education places that the government kindly holds on for you, so why don't you just quit fucking around and do something already? Those seats are empty! I'm also tired of listening to your white man stories about how they totally kicked your ancestors' asses; you got a shitty backward looking culture anyway. Isn't it enough that the knowledge of the history of your pitiful race and how it was so easily crushed is embedded into the national high school syllabi? Go kill yourselves; I fucken Hate You!!
Reader BJ from Washington U. really hates: people who pop collars on their cheap polo shirts (Abercrombie was cool in high school). In the real world, people who wear Abercrombie to be cool are considered fashion Nazis. You are only allowed to pop your collar if you have a yacht, a plane, or a car that's worth 75k and more. If you do not posses any of the above commodities, and your polo shirt tag is below $100, please do not dare to pop a collar. An acceptable polo would be a Lacoste. Now if you can't afford it, then don't pop it. Otherwise, I hate you.
BJ also hates: people who think living in the ghetto is cool. Guess what, it's not, and I hate people who sag their pants. The whole culture of baggy, sagged pants originated in prison. If you sagged your pants it meant that you were fucked in the ass, or fucked somebody in the ass. I can't remember which one it was, but it was one of them. So if you are a fag then keep sagging your pants. I hate you
Reader Jason K. from Canada really hates: Poutine-eating-French-Quebecer-separatist-whores. Listen you little French fuckers, I've had just about enough of you coming up to me and telling me not to speak English because you "live in a French province." Newsflash you douche bags: have you ever thought that if by a miracle you separate from Canada, your shitty province will probably have to have dealings with the U.S. and the rest of Canada? Guess what, that means you're going to have to learn English! Cause the rest of Canada and the U.S. aren't going to start speaking French just to have business relations with your gay province. So I can't speak English here, eh? then how bout you stop wearing clothes with English logos or English phrases on them, how bout you stop quoting lyrics from your favorite English hip hop singer, how bout you stop copying American clothing styles Do you realize every other word out of your mouth is English?? You fucking hypocritical cunts!!! If you hate English speaking people so much why don't you stop acting like one!? And what about your so called "music station" MusiquePlus? So you're not original enough to come up with your own stuff you have to steal everything from MuchMusic?? I laugh at your sorry asses whenever I see your French version of MuchOnDemand with count them, oh wow, a whole 4 people in the audience. Wow that's amazing. And your fucktards of VJs are the most annoying, unoriginal and unfunny people I have ever seen in my life. Your province is so ass backwards, the music videos that stopped airing on MuchMusic 2 months ago are just finally coming out in Quebec. Go eat your poutine and leave us English speaking people alone, I FUCKING HATE YOU!!!
Reader Carlos V. of the US Marine Corps really hates: super-great ass/super-ugly face Susie. Oh Susie! You buttah-faced, wretched cum-dumpster. I could be walking or driving around and then there you are with your ass, so tender and juicy beckoning me like a fat kid to the buffet line. The sight of your wondrous bum-bums makes me grow a tee-pee in my undies. And then it happens: you turn around. What a motherfucking ghastly sight. Your face makes me think that you were hit in the face with a bag of hot nickels or that maybe as a child someone threw bricks at you and you tried to catch them with your teeth. And there I am with my hog stiffer than Ossie Davis' corpse, feeling confused and frightened. I don't know whether to run you over or put my kak in the cigarette lighter. You need to either a) eat 10 lbs. of gravy fires each day so that ass goes to hell and matches your face or b) cut your fucking head off, you horse-mugged enigma. You will haunt my dreams, and for that I will always hate you. I Hate You!
Reader Rajjiv K. from MMU (in Malaysia) really hates: Emo Eddie. I'm sure everyone knows an emo kid. These are the ones who listen to some pussy ass, whiny punk bands on MTV, which are supposed to be ''emotional,'' (thus the term emo), jus cos they sing about losing girlfriends, getting beat up in school and fucked up parents. That's not emotional, that's life, motherfucker! Grow up! Just because the music is pathetic, that doesn't mean you gotta go around moping and whining and trying to get everyone's attention by being dark and gloomy. Bullshit. The more you put up that act, the funnier it gets. But sometimes it ain't funny cos when you start hanging around with your emo gang and strumming 3 chords of your fucked up, talentless emo song that really pisses me off. And these guys don't think they're mainstream haha I just crapped myself laughing Jesus Christ, your as mainstream as Britney and Ashlee whatshername. Listen to some real music like Iced Earth or Sabbath, for crying out loud" gawd" I hate you.
Rajjiv also hates: Mr. Black Wannabe. You know what" I'm from Malaysia and even here we have some jackasses trying to be black. Ok I don't mind the hip hop clothes, the bling bling and the braided hair. But you'd better be shittin me when u say "yo wassup" howz it hangin .later aight" " with all them fucked up hand gestures you saw on MTV. For fucks sake, this isn't Harlem or anywhere even near the USA. Nobody talks like Nelly or Jay-Z here! Please try to be yourself I can't take this shit no more I hate you asshole.
Reader PJ at USMC really hates: Working (not so) hard Willy. How on earth can you complain about your job? You work 40 hours (at the most) at a brain dead job bussing tables, bagging groceries or selling giant black dildos to your faggot friends. You complain about going to 'early' classes at 8 AM, which you on a daily basis anyway. You think that these two combined make you the most overworked and stressed out man alive! Remember me? I graduated high school with you, hell we are almost the same age, and you are legally a man, but still a whiny little bitch. Three months ago, I worked 15 hours a day, 7 days a week for two months straight. That's not all: in the three months since then, I haven't had a full weekend yet! I'm still working about 10-12 hours a day and then some more on weekends. Don't you dare start with me on 'overworked,' you don't see me or any of the other guys I work with bitching about our jobs. Just wait until you leave that paradise you are living in right now for the real work force. Until then, take another 10 minute break behind that pathetically lax restaurant you work in and fuck yourself with that dildo, but don't forget to double wrap it with grocery bags you 'working' bitch. I hate you. So very, very much.
Reader Karen from England really hates: chavs (pronounced: shaavs). They are mostly teenage white (I'm not trying to be racist) suburban girls who try to act like they are from the ghetto. They wear big, chunky gold ear rings that are obviously fake and loads of big, medallion type necklaces. Their makeup is about 2 inches thick and most of them have black boyfriends who they are with only to get some black street cred. They are mostly caught in shopping centres and high streets having casual sex and smoking, bearing in mind that most of them are only about twelve. If you ever come to England, you can recognize them by their fake Dior, Gucci, Chanel and Yves Saint Loren jewelry and clothes. This type of people really irritate me and cause problems for England as some of them end up on drugs or getting pregnant at the tender age of thirteen. I really hate them and they annoy the crap out of me, so to you chavs out there: Geta fucking life!
Reader Linda S. from New Orleans really hates: guys who push a girl's head down. Nothing makes me want to give a blow job less. Also, it's usually these very same guys who never ever go down on girls. Next time a guy does this to me I think I'll "accidentally" bite something.
Reader Brian A. of Salisbury U. really hates: Ashlee Simpson. You're not famous, it's just your sister, bitch. No one in their right mind would ever be a fan of yours. You're not as attractive as Jessica and you can't sing. You already proved that at the Orange Bowl and at SNL!! MTV gave you a show because you're a joke, just like Ozzy and the faggy kids of the Real World!!! You suck; you have proven you suck, so get THE FUCK out of my TV before I am forced to SUE YOU FOR DAMAGES. Oh yea, and stop flashing your asscrack for the camera!! They just blur it out anyway, and no one wants to see it BECAUSE I FUCKING HATE YOU! Die.
Reader Marissa D. of Florida really hates: what we in Florida like to call the "boca bitches"- those stupid preppy girls (or guys even) who come up from south Florida (west palm and down) with nothing but closets of clothes, pockets of money and their mouths full of criticism for everyone else. Who CARES that you paid $90 for a shirt? I look a million times better than you and I can get 5 shirts for that price! Just because your mom's been married more times than you can count and you're living off alimony, doesn't make you smarter/better/hotter/ANYTHING. In fact it makes you nothing but a stupid, spoiled BITCH! I hate you!
Reader Samantha G. really hates: my hill billy neighbor. I just moved into my new apartment 2 weeks ago. It is a nice place. But Jethrow next door ruins it all. He likes to blast rap music out of his shitty stereo all the time. I am glad I have surround sound to block his shitty music out. He doesn't even like good rap. He likes that poopy Nelly crap. Second, he didn't know what a rap battle was till he saw the movie "Eight Mile." Now he is a rapper. Every time I see him he is making rhythm to himself. Third, his butt buddies come over all the time. They also are just as annoying. They gather like geese at my front and back doors and smoke. They aren't quiet either. They are always in a group laughing and rapping. I took a nap today and they woke me up with their intolerable rapping. It isn't even good rap, either. It is about going to the store to get a 40, when a booty hoe says "what you know, you got dough." (I swear I heard him say this too!) I find his rapping very racist. If I were black, I would have to beat him and his family up. Mostly his parents for reproducing such a piece of trash. I believe he should be beating himself up, because he is a hilly billy who likes rap music. I mean isn't that a contradiction. A guy I work with told me my place is nice. He said it was in a wealthy neighborhood. He is a nice black guy. I will tell him about Jethrow tomorrow. Maybe we can scare the black out of him. Or maybe he will eat bleach and then die in a fire. We can only wish for all of the above.
Reader P. Dunn, incoming frosh at U. of South Carolina really hates: Tommy the Talker: This is that one asshole in every class who is always having his own little personal conversation while someone else is giving a presentation, reading out loud, or supposed to be garnering some sort of attention from the class. It always seems like this person has to be sitting right in front of me too. I can't even focus on the topic because I'm listening to some guy trying to mack it on some girl by making fun of the character's names in Macbeth. C'mon. Show some respect and shut the fuck up. O yeah, I hate you!
Reader Helen T. from England really hates: always had a easy life girl you know her? Life's always been an easy dream for her. First she was blessed in the looks department: never a hair out of place, her dye job so good you didn't even know it was fake, and she's not gained a pound for the last ten years. School was easy despite the fact she never listened or seemed do work she was an A+ student .Everyone loves her even though she's really a complete bitch. She's had a string of fabulous boyfriends since the age 13! She's got the very best part time job, which pays a100 times more than anyone else's. She passed her driving test two days after she was legally allowed to and she's not even 20 with a fiancé and stupidly high paid job! HATE HER!
READER ON READER HATE:
Howdy From AK really hates: BJ From Washington University. You claim to be a Republican, yet can't spell the word? You are going to be an investment banker? What the shittroll is that? If you are so anti-hippie, why in George W. Bush's name do you spell like one? People like BJ give bad names to good people. Having money has nothing to do with it; this cockdonkey gives all hippies the right to throw their Burkenstock's at him. World Trade IS good but the Japanese don't trade with illiterate fags ..SO LIKE THE NBA SAYS .. READING IS funDAMENTAL .Stay in school and never come out you redneck hack I HATE YOU
Reader Mike from Canada really hates: Adam L. at Case Western Reserve University. You know, I'm sorry. I take it back. Adam, or Titlips, is absolutely right. I want to pay for healthcare. What fuck no, have it paid for by increasing the tax by an amount that makes absolutely no difference in my day to day life, FUCK THAT. I would rather pay for shit as it happens. It just makes sense really. That way, instead of having a system where, if I get in a car accident or break my leg, you can go to the hospital and be treated at no cost, I instead get to buy that Mr. Big or maybe splurge and buy King Size Mr. Big. You know, it's people like you who should be tied to a thorny tree, stripped down, and be repeatedly violated by hungry, pissed off Zebras. Or maybe be forced to put your dick in a cage with a beaten badger, like in "The Salton Sea" (fucking good movie). Point is, if you deny healthcare, you might as well cancel your car insurance. Fuck, it's not like you need to pay those sometimes ridiculous monthly payments. Just pay the guy from that savings account that you've been saving for just such an occasion. Ummm" What do you mea oh, you don't have an account with $500,000 in it. Well, why not dumbass? And what the fuck is he talking about "trust fund republican" single income 60K cock-in-mouth bullshit. My parents made when I was a kid a combined income of maybe 30K . Canadian, so don't tell me or anyone else whose families are struggling to pay the bills that your cock-stroking, ass-feltching, dog-petting, sister-sucking ingrown penis thinks that healthcare is the work of communism. I hope that you get wrongfully accused of a horrible crime, are sent to prison for 20 years, gang-raped and forced to deep throat men and horses on a daily basis, only to attempt suicide once they set you free by jumping off a tall building, but when you hit the ground it doesn't kill you and the paramedics save your life. Now, you're paralyzed from the eyes down and are forced to live in a world of pain because there's a gerbil in your ass clawing and scratching away your rectum. Adam L., I hate you.
Mike also hates: David G. from Texas and all the fucks he represents. What Streeter has done has no doubt saved countless dozens of people from going out and raping the neighbour's dog to relieve the anger that builds up in our day to day lives. To have someone complain about the work that is being done for all of man is sacrilegious. I mean, who the fuck does this guy think he is? Do you know there's an "I Hate Starbucks" website where people go on and complain about how much they hate Starbucks? Here's an idea. Don't fucking go there! Or in the case of David, or as I like to call him, Cunt, don't fucking read it. Who is forcing it on you? Huh, oh that's right. NO ONE. I complain about shit all the time but it's mostly crap I can't help. But not Cunt. I bet Cunt is the kind of guy who goes to Starbucks and orders a tall, non-fat, extra hot, macciato (fuck spelling) with whip cream for here, waits for it, then just because he sucked too much of his father's dick last night, decides he wants it to go. Now of course the "barista"(fuck) would no doubt be annoyed, and Cunt would probably pick up on that, being the bag of tits that he is. Next thing ya know he's on the website writing things that Cunt's will write. Now Cunt may come back at me by saying," Ya, well I can fit my Dad's whole dick in my ass. Ha, oh and you're a fucking loser for taking the time to write this. Oh yeah . Dad balls deep!" Well Cunt, thing is I'm at work right now. I don't have anything to do. I get paid, in a sense, to write these things. I don't sit at home jerking off to naked dad pictures and then take the time to complain about shit. I jerk off to lesbians. Sometimes three lesbians with strap-ons, and they fuck the living shit out of anyway, point is, Cunt needs to try to deep throat his father and in the process choke and die on his dick while his mom shits on his head. David G. from Texas, I hate you!
(Author's Note: That was weird)
Reader BJ from Washington U. really hates: Howdi from ACK (howdy from AK) and Ashli M- guess what bitches i dotn need to spell right, and I dont want to, in fact im typin in my email java box, and im not even gonna bother rereading what i wrote, and why shoud i bother clickking on the splellchecker. In fact why dont you do it for me if it bugs you so much? I might even condsier paying for that. I hate you!!! By the way GBUsh cant spell or speak, and look where he ended up. It means money is everything you moron!!
Reader Josh the angry Englishman really hates: BJ from Washington University. I wrote out an entire email to him personally when I read your website, then another one when you posted his email here, but deleted them both when I realized there really is no point. There is nothing I could say that would make any difference you're too stupid to listen and everyone who has read your email already knows it. I'm afraid I have wasted too much of my time thinking about this already. BJ, for someone who wrote so much, you say very little; get a grip, lighten up and go kill some more sheep ooh, big man, betcha the ladies just cream when you sidle up to them in bars and regale them with your tales of eating horse meat. Hippies annoy everyone, like spots, children and people that waste my time by taking up space on an otherwise usually funny column. Fuck off and find someone who cares.
Finally, Reader Synthia M. really hates: ALL PEOPLE from Malaysia because of Rajjiv, you pathetic idiot. You're the one who's whining, you dirty bitch. "I'm sure everyone knows an emo kid," wha wha whaaa! Half the kids that you think are emo are in actuality just confused faggots who don't have any taste at all and they think "hey, I can cry at night, I'll join them." NO! There's more to it. We go to shows and make good grades and are nice and sympathetic to other people's fucked up problems. But you wouldn't know about that would you? Because you live in MALAYSIA OOO where it's soo nice nothing will ever harm you. hey Rajjiv, fuck u.
That's all the hate for now. Join us next time for our special 30th edition, INANIMATE OBJECTS YOU HATE And remember, send me your hate at firstname.lastname@example.org and let the world know you're an asshole. Just make it about an inanimate object please and include your first name, last initial and school. Check out streeterseidell.com for entries as they come in. For the Famous Hate List, I'm Streeter Seidell saying Goodnight, goodnight.