Mitt Romneys White House Improvement Plans - Image 1

1. Replace bowling alley with something less blue-collar, like a croquet field or gladiator ring.

2. VIP Latino entrance. (Only open during election years.)

3. Tear down parts of the kitchen not responsible for preparing caviar. Replace them with giant stacks of money.

4. Shoeshine station. He promised to keep jobs in America, right?

5. Lincoln Bedroom can stay how it is, but only if he's posthumously baptized as Mormon.

6. Bigger Oval Office to store his various health care positions.

7. Kidding. It's for the Cadillacs.

8. Tours now $45.95.

9. Sea World to be uprooted from California and moved to West Wing.

10. New, whiter First Lady.

11. VIP Tea Party entrance. (Only open during election years.)

12. Polka studio.

13. Polka loudspeakers.

14. (There is technically no proof that Mitt Romney is a polka enthusiast. Still, come on.)

15. Trophy case for embezzled Salt Lake City gold medals.

16. State-of-the-art business presentation software for optimal profit communications in active coordination with dynamic efforts toward achieving substantive quarterly goals.

17. Old-timey malt shop.

18. Permanent residences for three of America's fourteen remaining doctors.

19. Index cards to help identify proletarian snack foods.

20. Relocation of entire building to Caribbean, where his money is close by.

21. In light of that, Sea World can probably just stay where it is.