As you all know I am an expert on sex and relationships. When I started writing for collegehumor over a year ago, I was young, naïve, perky, and content. I hooked up with guys in subway stations, I had phone sex with strangers, and I ate whole medium pizzas in one sitting. Thankfully, not a lot has changed.

Upon sorting through my e-mail I realized that it might be time, once again, to respond to some questions. In the past I only responded to the shadiest of inquires because I knew those e-mails would be the most entertaining"" I know, how utterly unfair of me. There are tons of normal people who write me with questions and I should include them as well. Ok, maybe not tons, but definitely a whole lot. Ok, maybe not a whole lot, but at least a handful and they deserve to be included. I also realized that don't partake in enough community service type activities and hence decided to be more helpful this time around.

The following questions are from e-mails and the comment section of my blog.
I apologize in advance for not including everyone.

Enjoy.


Hey Mindy,

My question is that of a girly breasty nature. You and I both know the joys of having nice, perky, jewish girly titties… But at what price. My boyfriend loves my double ds, but he also (he doesnt tell me this, i just know) would like it if I were thinner… And I just wanna tell him, it's me or the twins, muffin.

xoxox
angie 03.17.05 – 2:21 pm |

Dear Angie,
I really want a t-shirt that has "nice, jewish, girly, titties" written across the chest. Will you make me one?
Thanks.
Angie, your boyfriend loves your DD's, and he loves your body, and he doesn't want you to be any thinner, and you don't need to be any thinner. (please note: if you're seriously overweight and not just womanly, like over 300lbs, maybe you do need to be thinner for health reasons and stuff)
If your boyfriend really wants you lose weight then you need to get rid of him right away.
Men who are turned on by women with thin, little boy bodies secretly want to be dating thin little boys, and that's no fun.
You think your boyfriend would want you more if you were super skinny, but that's just years of stored up insecurity due to reading Cosmo and YM during your developmental years. If you want to lose weight for you, go ahead. Eat right, exercise, drink nothing but carrot juice for 6 years, be my guest. But don't stay with a guy who likes you just for your DD's, especially one that lets you call him muffin.
xoxox back at ya,
Mindy
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DId you really get dumped on friendster?
Anonymous | 03.14.05 – 12:53 pm | #


Dear Anonymous,
That's none of your FUCKING business you sick nosey piece of SHIT! How dare you invade my life you lousy son of a bitch. Well, I won't let you and your question be the catalyst for more days upon days of pain, agony and suicidal tendencies. FUCK YOU and you're dumb ass question.
Thanks so much for reading the columns :)
~Mindy
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Dear Mindy,
I think I love u. Ha, just kidding I don't even know, but I like reading your shit it makes me laugh. Do you want me to beat up the asswipe of "I'm through withguys my age"? If he hurt you he deserves to die. Seriosly I'm a weight lifter and a wrester. I'll fuck him up for you. Just tell me when and where.
Jason


Dear Jason,
Wow, thanks. No, I'm ok for now, but I'll keep your contact info in case I need you in the future.
Thanks dude!
~Mindy

If you're dating me right now and you're reading this, please don't go baby, I'd never hire anyone to beat you up. I hate violence, and I know you'd never do anything to piss me off and make me call Jason. Right? Good.


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Why are you a cock teasing fembot?
your biggest fan | 03.14.05 – 1:17 pm


Dear [my] biggest fan,
Who are you? Where did you come from? Stop reading my blog. Stop reading my columns. I don't like you, and I have no idea what a cock teasing fembot is.
What?!!
-Mindy
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Dear Mindy,
I got out of college a year ago, and still trying to figure out a lot about life outside the campus ( which does not involve beer, late night eating, and random hook ups).
I have talked to some of my erstwhile classmates about the situation and they are all going through the same "'rite of passage.'
I know it is not a question of any form, but I was just wondering if you could write something about it from your own experience. I never really got a women's perspective on the issue.
Kabir.


Dear Kabir,
I am a woman who has been out of college for almost 3 years and, sadly, my life still involves beer, late night eating and random hookups. In fact, most guys I know (my age and older) still drink beer, eat late at night, and randomly hook up. Things will change if you meet someone you want to settle down with, but even then you'll still drink beer, eat late at night and""if the person you're with is really cool""still randomly hook up with people via threesomes.
Hope that was helpful,
Mindy
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will you marry me? (i'm a great guy.)
kevin | 03.14.05 – 3:38 pm | #


Dear Kevin,
I would totally marry you, but alas I cannot. Think about it. People asking us,
"So, how'd you two meet?"
We'd have to say things like,
"Through Mindy's blog,"
"Via the World Wide Web,"
and
"I met him in the comment section of my blog."
For the REST OF OUR LIVES!
No hard feelings, it's not about you.
Never stop loving the little boy inside,
Mindy
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gosh mindy, how can i be more like you? you seem to have all the dudes hitting on you. what's your secret?
sophie | 03.18.05 – 12:51 pm |

Her secret? big cans and a desperate need for attention.
Sal C | 03.18.05 – 5:16 pm |


Dear Sophie,
I was going wait until this column came out to reply to your sincere and thoughtful question, but Sal C beat me to it. I guess the secret's out. Hopefully, soon, you'll get to experience what it's like to have guys hit on you.
Good luck with the implants,
~Mindy
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Mindy,
I just read your last column (might I add, love the column and blog!) and I would like to clarify something: Most women don't know this, but breasts can talk. The thing is, only guys speak the language. This can be done both telepathically or verbally. So, if a guy comes up to you and says "Hey guys, what's up?" or just plainly stares at your chest, don't be offended. Maybe he just wants to have a conversation with your breasts. Maybe they can help him with a personal crisis of some kind. And maybe you might get free drinks! (seriously, if I said all that the next time I get caught staring at a woman's chest, think it might work?)
Anyway, now for a question for your advice column: Being an average guy with an average life, I need as many advantages as I can get when trying to get a date. So, understanding that many women love pets, out of this list, which animals will women love the most, and maybe share said love with me:
Dog, Cat, Hamster, Chimp, Three-Toed Sloth, or Penguin? (My money's on the penguin. Please say penguin! Go penguin!)
Thanks for your time!
Until I have the urge to write again (or you have me blocked from your email),
Adam


Dear Adam,
Don't ever say out loud to any female ever what you wrote to me about breasts being able to talk Ever. I think that already answered your first question. Moving on. I feel kind of trapped. Obviously you want me to say penguin, and I don't appreciate being asked a question and then being told how I'm supposed to answer it.
I'm not going to block your e-mail this time, but don't test me.
Mindy
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Dear Mindy,
Will you bake me a pie?
Nick | 03.15.05 – 8:54 am |


Dear Nick,
Sure! I love baking for men, it makes me feel useful in this big, scary, masculine world.
Mindy
(if "bake me pie" is not a literal question, but rather some new fangled sex term that I am unaware of, please picture me wearing nothing but an apron while re-reading my response.)
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cats or dogs?
cats
chicken or steak?
steak
beer or liquer?
beer
smart or hot?
smart
std or pregnant?
std
yankees or red sox?

yankees
curly or straight?
curly
rent a movie or clubing?
rent a movie
back or front?
back
lefty or righty?
righty
JJ | 03.15.05 – 5:07 pm |
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Dear Mindy
Been dating this girl for like 3 months, when I first met her I was crazy about her, and now not so much. She's kinda unstable. She's told me she loves me. How do I end things without her freaking out?
ANON | 03.10.05 -1:44 pm


Dear ANON,

Just say:

"Sorry, I'm just not ready to commit to anyone right now?

and

"I like you, but things with work are getting crazy and I really need to focus on my career."

Sure she might look confused at first and try to change your mind, but after she reflects on your lame statements she'll realize that you're small-balled and emotionally underdeveloped. Trust me. Even unstable women have standards.
Good luck to you, and if that doesn't work just tell her you're pregnant. That always seems to do the trick for me.
~Mindy
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Mindy,
Have you read "She's Just Not That Into You?" What do you think? I've read parts of it ( I know I'm a loser) and it scared the crap out of me. Thanks.
Jon


Dear Jon,
Nope,never read it, and I'm so sorry it scared you. I'm sure the self-help section at your local bookstore is full of other gems that you might find more comforting.
Good luck to you,
Mindy
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Hey Mindy,
the name is Josh, and I'm a big fan of yours up here in Canada. Proabably shouldn't even tell you this but I won't even be in college until this coming September. If you're still reading, I have to tell you your column is hilarious, although I realize that you've likely heard the same compliment ten million times.
I like your spin on your breasts, guys, girls, relationships in general and NYC. However, before I really get gushing like Ol' Faithful in Yellowstone, I happen to have a quick question for you, typically relationship related.
Alright, here's the problem, the age old dilemma, feel free to laugh and giggle incoherently after you hear this. I have a friend that I've known since grade nine, she's good looking, very outgoing, and has a sarcastic sense of humour that I can appreciate, being the cynic that I am. The problem is, do I chance asking her out when a) she may or may not feel the same way, b) it could screw over the friendship forever, and c) she's going to be moving to [Seattle] in August.
Now I realize you're probably thinking, man this guy needs to grow some balls and just ask her out. Unfortunately, I'm one of these poor bastards cursed with being the "sensitive guy" and also I have this tendency to overthink any given situation. Basically, there are other girls I could go out with and she is a close friend so I don't want to screw that up so up til now I've just decicded to keep the friends card on the table.
So, give me the advice you will. I'll appreciate it greatly,
Josh The Canuck


Dear Josh The Canuck,

Is there some Canadian boom on collegehumor lately? All of sudden I'm getting all these e-mails from Canadians. Oh my god?! Is a guy name Big Lou walking around highschools/college campuses in Canada selling "artistic" pictures of me? I went to Toronto when I finished school and did some "work" to help pay off my college debts and maybe . . .anyway I digress.

Josh, your friendships' already ruined because you have feelings for her. Life is short. Go for it! Worst case scenario: she's not interested and you feel an overwhelming sense of sadness and worthlessness. If you don't do anything you'll have regrets, and then she'll come back from [seattle] with her new hip rainy day boyfriend, and you'll be miserable. So just make a move, be aggressive, and be CONFIDENT.

I'm really excited about this!!!
Mindy
Ps. Don't use the term, "friends card" ever again.
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Dear Mindy,
I appreciate it when a variety of birds in the trees outside my window wake me up with singing in the morning.
Is this good for my relationships?
Regards, Fox
Fox | 03.10.05 – 2:04 pm |


Dear Fox,

No, you're a pussy. Get out a gun, shoot the birds, and then walk around like a big, powerful man who just killed a variety of birds. Women will flock to you and beg you to mount them. Trust me.

Sunshine, lollipops, and rainbows,
~Mindy
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Do you really have big breasts? Are they perky?

Steve


Dear Steve,
Yes I do, no they're not.
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Do you eat as much as say you do in your columns? It sounds shady like binging. Are you bulimic?
Joanna


Dear Joanna,
Yes I do, no I'm not.
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I just read all of your columns, I particulary liked, into my bed and out of the closet. Is that true? Did you really date a gay guy?
Jeff


Dear Jeff,
Yes it is, yes I did.
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Do you really go commando 2 days of the week?
jenny | 03.10.05 – 11:12 am |


Dear Jenny,
Do I know you? I don't remember ever writing anything in my blog or in my column about going commando, but I do, in fact, go commando at least 2 days of the week. I don't know who you are, or how you know that, but it's been freaking me out since early March.
Please e-mail me your sources.
~Mindy
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