Staff Jokes - July 19, 2012

Hated watching 2 groups I love (comedians and feminists) viciously attack each other this week. Next week it's game designers vs my parents!

— Adam Conover(@adamconover) July 14, 2012

They don't call it "nihilism" for nothing! Oh wait. Shit.

— Andrew Bridgman (@AndyBridgman) July 15, 2012

WEIRD BUT TRUE: The average human swallows up to 9 dogs per year, mostly during sleeping hours.

— H. Caldwell Tanner (@caldy) July 16, 2012

I feel such a strong connection to my ancestors when I use Irish Spring in the shower. It's like I can almost hear them asking what soap is.

— Alex Watt (@AlexanderWatt) July 19, 2012

I'm a lady on the street but a freak in most social situations

— Hallie Cantor (@halliecantor) July 19, 2012

For sale: baby shoes, never worn. Idiot diva baby wants "better" ones.

— Tom Philip (@tommphilip) July 16, 2012

My phone's autocorrect is working too well. Every text I send after 2AM is corrected to "somebody please love me."

— Ben Kling (@benkling) March 27, 2012

Every time I accidentally type ".vom" instead of ".com" I imagine I'm a sassy teen girl. "Uh, Gmail? Yah Tiffany, more like gmail dot vom."

— Dan Gurewitch (@DanGurewitch) July 15, 2012

I've never played spin the bottle, but I've played "low self esteem at closing time" so I think I get the jist.

— mah ree nah (@marinarachael) July 13, 2012

"Baby got back" – spoiler ending of "Baby's Day Out"

— Will Stephen (@will_stephen) July 15, 2012

anyone's final words "adieu, adieu" and then checking the 'remember me' box on twitter? anyone?

— Julie Shain (@julieshain) July 19, 2012

Live your life so that yourself age 15 wants to grow up to be you.

— Jenny Jaffe (@jennyjaffe) July 19, 2012

Congrats to Breaking Bad for beating out the major competitors in its timeslot: Drinking To Fall Asleep and a rerun of Masturbation.

— Jesse Eisemann (@eisemann) July 19, 2012

"'Quirky hats and tiny backpacks? Whoa!' Mr. Darcy said, tightening the leather jacket around his waist." – Pride and Prejudice and Blossom

— Saj Pothiawala (@sajpo) July 12, 2012

Guys, I barricaded the door with barbells. We're safe in here unless any of these zombies can squat a mean five-hundo- oh… OH NOOOO!

— Owen Parsons (@owenBparsons) July 19, 2012

Why is it OK to read 50 Shades of Grey on the subway but NOT OK to read Hustler while rubbin' at your junk?

— Brian Murphy (@chmurph) July 19, 2012

Breaking: #BritishOpen tournament thrown off schedule when British players confuse Tee Time with Tea Time.

— Hesley Harps (@HesleyHarps) July 18, 2012

The Gremlins were just like The Muppets except they replaced every good feeling with a bad one.

— Kelly Hudson (@citizenhudson) July 19, 2012

Spoiler Alert! Batman turns his mom into a bear.

— Dan Siegel (@dssiegel) July 18, 2012

Life is what happens when you're busy thinking of witty things to tweet

— Streeter Seidell (@streetseidell) July 16, 2012