Post-Grad To Do List
There comes a time in every young person's life when he or she must grow up. For me, that time is now. In two weeks I'll be a college graduate and begin the slow, often-depressing slide towards death. In preparation for this new chapter in my life, I have rigged this handy to-do list to help acclimate me to life as an adult.
*Develop cocaine habit to fit in with stockbroker friends
*Stop crushing beer cans against my head. Drink only from bottles.
*Stop smoking cigarettes, start smoking cigars
*Buy cool phone that I can't operate.
*Throw out posters, buy paintings
*Stop using "Phat", "Tight" and "Whaaaaat" in sentences.
*Light farts on fire only in privacy of own home.
*Cut toenails more than once every three months.
*Learn what a hedge funds are, talk about them at parties.
*Reduce toilet time by 40%.
*Go to bed before the sun rises, wake up before it sets.
*Train myself to think of Thursday as a weekday instead of the weekend.
*Refrain from doodling in notebooks at work meetings, although at CollegeHumor this behavior may be acceptable.
*Talk to girls as if they are people, not objects for my sexual amusement.
*Try to rid myself of nickname "Stinkfinger."
*Change voicemail message from "Heeeeey, this is Streeter. I rule. Leave me a message and I'll call you back if you're cool enough" ROCK!" to "Hello, this is Streeter's voicemail, please leave a message."
*No more beer bongs no matter what my unemployed friends say.
*Keep weed stash in sophisticated wooden box on coffee table, not in old plastic bag in sock drawer.
*Reduce calls home from 3 per week to 2 (unless money is involved).
*Enjoy drinking coffee instead of drinking it out of habit.
*Stop enjoying Natty Light altogether.
*Use prescription drugs for their intended purposes.
*Stop being nostalgic for high school, start being nostalgic for college.
*Phase out term "Tits" from vocabulary, replace with "breasts."
*Increase use of phrase, "Ah, those were the days."
*Start considering girlfriends less as part-time ass companions and more as prospective full-time ass companions.
*Use grown-up laugh instead of childish giggle in use now.
*End phone calls with "Alright, I'll talk to you soon. Goodbye" instead of "Lata son, take "'er sleazy!"
*Stop using hangover as an excuse not to do work, use depression instead.
*Refrain from all "hey, smell this"-type interactions with work friends.
*Use stove for cooking, not as storage place for empty beer cans.
*Use microwave for cooking, not as experimental pyrotechnic device.
*Stop eating after midnight, stop not eating before midnight and stop eating Taco Bell altogether.
*I am no longer a child therefore I will stop talking like one when I want something. "But Mommmm, pweeeeze?"
*I no longer have to eat all the Doritos, I can save some for later.
I think by adhering to these simple rules I should make it as an adult fine. If you have any ideas how you should conduct yourself, please shoot me an email at firstname.lastname@example.org and I'll compile a list on my website!