To The Porno Community

Listen, we all know the arrangement, right? You need us and we need you. In nature it's called a symbiotic relationship. We provide you with the revenue to publish, produce or distribute your filth and you provide us with a little escape from our wives or girlfriends. With that out of the way, it's time to address a serious problem with this relationship; you're not giving nearly as much as we are.

There used to be a time when our self-pleasing efforts were matched by the quality of your productions. For each loving stroke we put out you shot back with quality lighting, fine acting and intricate plotlines. That time is long gone. Nowadays we put a lot of effort into satisfying ourselves to your "'artwork,' while you put minimal effort into producing the smut. Let's not beat around the bush, the quality of porn is abysmal.

Is it so hard to fake an orgasm? I do it all the time and my girlfriend is none the wiser. If I can do it, certainly women being paid to do it could do a better a job. Sure they squeal and squirm but one look at their face tells me that this is work. In the seventies, we believed in these women. We saw them white-knuckled on the bed and thought, "Now that woman is enjoying herself." These days, I wouldn't be surprised to see a porn actress yawn in the middle of the money shot. The stories need some work as well. You've been rehashing the same cliché plotlines over and over again and it's just not believable anymore. If your stories were true to life then every guy I know would be delivering pizza or cleaning pools. How about a porno whose protagonist is blind but is told by her doctor (who she bones) that she can regain her sight by sleeping with a certain man. She then goes on a country-wide ram-page (get it?) until she finds the lucky guy. See? And I thought of that in, like, five seconds. Surely with the crack screenwriting teams you employ you can do even better.

Who's to blame for the steady decrease in quality porn? It's not the consumer. For us, porn is a commodity like pizza – we have our favorite but we'll take whatever is around. That, however, is no excuse for you. You're getting rich off of our sweaty escapades and it is time that the fluids we lose because of your work is repaid by the quality of the product. History shows that there is only so long a population will stand injustice: the French revolted against the king, the Roman's stabbed Caesar and we will leave too. That's right, we will find a new means to please ourselves whether it's watching vintage movies or having actual real-life sex ourselves. You've been warned.