Ah, summertime. The sun is out, the birds are chirping and the homeless are still wearing seven jackets for some goddamned reason. For so many of us summertime means making grand plans and doing all the things you didn't have time to do during the school year. But, alas, many more of us are lazy, shiftless, slovenly bums who would rather read this internet article than inhale one breath of non-parent's-computer-room air. Thus, the result"

Plan: Get in shape by going to the gym five days a week.
Reality: Ate cheese and cheese alone for five meals a week, swam two laps in early June before eating third hot dog at family picnic.

Plan: Go on a road trip to the coast and visit college friends.
Reality: Watched "'Road Trip' with high school friends, talked about girls from high school that have gotten fat.
Plan: Get a good summer job and save tons of cash for next semester.
Reality: Worked at Subway and almost immediately spent paycheck on failed eBay DVD burning business.

Plan: Talk to Chrissy Hanson and try to seal the deal before she goes back to school and out of your life again.
Reality: Masturbated on bathroom floor to thoughts of Chrissy Hanson, got caught by little sister.

Plan: Be nice to parents and be treated like an adult.
Reality: Called Mom a "'hairy she-beast with the body of a bloated worm' on first weekend of summer, have seen high school curfew re-instated.

Plan: To drink on the weekends and be the life of the party.
Reality: Sat by the phone all night waiting to find out where the party was, only to have your 15 year-old brother tell you about how cool it was the next day..

Plan: Get back together with ex for a steamy summer romance.
Reality: Was informed by your ex that your new stretch marks "'aren't that hot.'

Plan: Leave your mark on your town.
Reality: Peed on a big boulder by the highway one night.

Plan: Go skydiving.
Reality: Realized you weren't really "'ready' to make the jump, acquired new nickname: "'Piddles.'

Plan: Bring your camera everywhere so you don't miss one memory.
Reality: Lost camera at party and found it the next day with thirty pictures of some guy's balls.

Plan: Get tan by going to the beach and laying in the sun.
Reality: Found the beach to be uncomfortable due to everyone staring at your new pale, puckered man-breasts.

Plan: Enjoy the summer and the ease of life that comes with it.
Reality: Would consider shooting a newborn if that meant you could go back to school early.