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From Caldwell Tanner on
By Caldwell Tanner
Pool Safety Rules for Other Places Elevator - No joking about how slow the elevator is going. - No pushing buttons for floors you’re not actually going to as a goof. - Do NOT discuss the weather or any other trivial matters - Please limit conversations to discussion of weekend plans - No standing in the front of the elevator while checking your phone. - Unless you are alone, jumping in the air while the elevator is descending to achieve a momentary sensation of weightlessness is NOT permitted. - No Farting. Bathroom - No talking to people in the stall. - Do NOT make eye contact when using the urinals. - No running, unless you accidentally clogged the toilet, then GET OUT BEFORE ANYONE SEES IT WAS YOU. - No asking stall-mates for more toilet paper. If you run out, please just accept your fate and weep silently. - DO NOT just run water on your hands and say you washed them. Come on. That’s gross and you know it. - Please keep poop grunts and other noises to a reasonable volume. Internet - Children under the age of 13 are not permitted to have any opinion whatsoever. - No Running memes into the ground - No reblogging something just to disagree with it. - Do NOT request that someone follow you back. - No Posting without proper attribution. - Instagram pictures of Food or Drink are prohibited. - Basically anything else is fair game, though. Seriously go nuts, cocksuckers. Movie Theater - No spoiling. - No leaning over to a friend during previews and saying “That looks bad.” - Talking is only permitted during previews. - Seriously, don’t talk during the film. - All smuggled-in food or drink should remain concealed until AFTER the opening credits. - I know you think yelling “OH SHIT!” after that one climactic scene in the movie is going to be super-funny, but trust me. it won’t be. DON’T FUCKING TALK DURING THE FILM. - Do NOT get up during the film to use the bathroom. - No farting. Gym - Men over the age of 45 should NOT be naked at any time. - Always lift 10 pounds more than you are physically capable. - Sleeveless shirts are only permissible for patrons who are like SUPER cut. - Complaining about gym fees is restricted to ONLY members that come less than once a week. - Please do not spend 5 minutes filling your entire Nalgene at the water fountain. - No flirting. - Farting is allowed.