By Caldwell Tanner
Pool Safety Rules for Other Places
- No joking about how slow the elevator is going.
- No pushing buttons for floors you’re not actually going to as a goof.
- Do NOT discuss the weather or any other trivial matters
- Please limit conversations to discussion of weekend plans
- No standing in the front of the elevator while checking your phone.
- Unless you are alone, jumping in the air while the elevator is descending to achieve a momentary sensation of weightlessness is NOT permitted.
- No Farting.
- No talking to people in the stall.
- Do NOT make eye contact when using the urinals.
- No running, unless you accidentally clogged the toilet, then GET OUT BEFORE ANYONE SEES IT WAS YOU.
- No asking stall-mates for more toilet paper. If you run out, please just accept your fate and weep silently.
- DO NOT just run water on your hands and say you washed them. Come on. That’s gross and you know it.
- Please keep poop grunts and other noises to a reasonable volume.
- Children under the age of 13 are not permitted to have any opinion whatsoever.
- No Running memes into the ground
- No reblogging something just to disagree with it.
- Do NOT request that someone follow you back.
- No Posting without proper attribution.
- Instagram pictures of Food or Drink are prohibited.
- Basically anything else is fair game, though. Seriously go nuts, cocksuckers.
- No spoiling.
- No leaning over to a friend during previews and saying “That looks bad.”
- Talking is only permitted during previews.
- Seriously, don’t talk during the film.
- All smuggled-in food or drink should remain concealed until AFTER the opening credits.
- I know you think yelling “OH SHIT!” after that one climactic scene in the movie is going to be super-funny, but trust me. it won’t be. DON’T FUCKING TALK DURING THE FILM.
- Do NOT get up during the film to use the bathroom.
- No farting.
- Men over the age of 45 should NOT be naked at any time.
- Always lift 10 pounds more than you are physically capable.
- Sleeveless shirts are only permissible for patrons who are like SUPER cut.
- Complaining about gym fees is restricted to ONLY members that come less than once a week.
- Please do not spend 5 minutes filling your entire Nalgene at the water fountain.
- No flirting.
- Farting is allowed.