What I Learned on My Foreign Vacation by Mitt Romney - Image 1

This summer, I went on vacation to London (which is in England, which is part of the United Kingdom), Jerusalem (which is in Israel), and Warsaw (which is in Poland). I learned a lot of fun and awesome stuff. This stuff included areas like food, culture, statesmanship, and sensitivity regarding religious conflict dating back hundreds of years. Check out my cool trip!

What I Learned on My Foreign Vacation by Mitt Romney - Image 1

England is like America but not as great. They speak the same language (with an accent!) but drive cars on the opposite side of the road and eat weird things like mushy peas (gross!). Also, if you condescendingly question and undercut their proud moment in hosting the world's most massive international athletic spectacle, they get kinda mad and it can be weird. Not my fault though that Salt Lake City is THE BEST!!!!!!

But really though it's not that fun having over sixty-five thousand people in Hyde Park cheer at your lack of ability or grace in your debut as an international statesman on the world stage during the Olympic Torch lighting ceremony, so watch out for that if you are ever in London.

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I made a friend when I was in London but I forgot his name. I covered for it by calling him Mr. Leader (good traveling tip), so I don't think anyone noticed. But it was kind of not that great because he is the leader of the "Labour" Party (with a "u," I know, it's weird) and potentially the next Prime Minister, which kicked off an awkward start to what could be the next iteration of the "Great Relationship," a storied dynamic between the US and England, epitomized by FDR and Winston Churchill. So that was awkward but these things happen when you are traveling abroad in the summer.

Also if you ever meet with a new English friend in front of journalists, take it from me and don't say you value your shared "Anglo-Saxon heritage" because that could be interpreted as somewhat racist, especially if your President – and also current opponent in the race for said office – has African heritage. But you are also in a foreign country and there can be weird culture shock, so cut yourself some slack.

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James Bond was in MI-6, but it also exists in real life but not as cool or fun. I learned that if you meet with their leaders, it is not like you are in James Bond at all. They are actually real but boring and secret people, and if you tell the international media that you just met with them, you are kind of disrespecting cultural boundaries and also potentially jeopardizing their identities which could affect national – and thus international – security so shhhhhhh. Learned that one the hard way. Oops! Jet-lag is annoying.

What I Learned on My Foreign Vacation by Mitt Romney - Image 4

Contrary to popular belief, dressage is NOT the national sport of England, but I DID learn that Rafalca Romney is still the best horse there ever is!!!!!!!

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When I was in Jerusalem, I learned that scheduling a $25k- to $50k-a-plate fundraiser on a Jewish day of fasting is not that OK and could make some people mad but the way to get over it is to say borderline racist stuff about how the reason that their economy is better than that of their political and religious enemies of hundreds of years is because of cultural superiority ;-)

Also expensive food is way better, even if you're on the other side of the world.

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Poland was awesome and ALMOST the perfect end to my trip. I spoke really well at this place called the Tomb of the Unknown Soldier (depressing but whatever), and actually made a pretty good impression on the international community, which is really important if you are ever looking to become president (apparently). But then my dumb friend and really important traveling press secretary Rob Gorka said something to reporters like "Kiss my ass. This is a Holy site for the Polish people." Then he told some guy from Politico to "shove it." Uh oh!

The lesson here is that traveling with friends can be stressful, but you have to remember that you are friends no matter what, even if they are your mouthpiece to the media during your first venture abroad as a serious contender for the next leader of the free world. Friendship is important, and dignity is overrated.

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In conclusion, I learned a lot on my trip about the world, but mostly myself. I definitely do NOT like falafel, that's for sure. I also learned that I can hold my breath for over two minutes when I'm bored. Anyway, I sincerely enjoyed putting together this presentation using "Power Point" and also meeting with foreign dignitaries about global crises. God bless America and only America.