Incoming freshmen, if you thought your days of having to scrape and scrap to get a twelve-pack of Coors Light ended when you left high school, think again. If you're still underage, you might have to get creative in your attempts to procure the devil's tonic.

The Greatest Story Ever Old. The older friend is always a good source; he can walk right into the store and buy you beer. However, he will usually charge you a "beer run tax" of a beer. Whatever you do, don't accept a tax refund; that's where he spits the beer back on you.

Barley Legal. Go to a farmers' market, buy several 50-pound bags of grain, sugar, and yeast. Set up a full-scale brewing operation in your room; now you'll always have beer. You're going to need to smelt some aluminum ore (bauxite) to make cans, but you already know how to do that, don't you?

Fake ID. Fake ids, or "fakes," are widely available to college students these days. Make sure to get one that's issued by the state; no matter how old your Burger King Kids Club membership card says you are, you aren't getting served, even if you have TV glasses.

Fake Eye Dee. Get your friend Dee to walk into a gas station and pick up a case of beer. When the cashier asks her for id, have her pull out her glass eye and place it on the counter. The cashier will be impressed and repulsed and let her leave without even paying for the beer.

The Steal City. This one's a bit extreme. You can't buy beer when you're 18, but you can buy a handgun. Get three. You and your two buddies put pantyhose over your faces, storm into a convenience store and yell, "EVERYBODY BE COOL AND NOBODY DIES!" Then grab all the beer you can carry and run out of the store, covered in the blood of the cashier you probably didn't "hafta" shoot. Throw the cops off your trail by also taking some money and beef jerky or whatever.

Beerly Beloved. One place you can always score booze is at an Irish wake. Don't know of any dead Irishmen? Start construction of a transcontinental railroad. The corpses will start piling up soon.

Grand Old Coppery. Obtain an enormous jar of pennies. Have friends and classmates guess how many pennies are in the jar. Whoever gets it right wins $500, but it costs one beer to enter. How many pennies are actually in the jar? The answer is, "Fuck, dude, I dunno. I bet it's a lot, though."

Beer Diary. Obtain a degree of minor notoriety with your hyper-realistic novels for children and young adults. When it comes time to negotiate the advance for your fifth book with your publisher, say, "I'd like to be paid in beer this time." Everyone will laugh. Say, "No, seriously. Do you want to do this thing or not?" More often than not, they'll want to do this thing

Beer, Far, Wherever You Are. Bet your buddy two forties you won't punch Celine Dion in the face. You just got paid for doing something you wanted to do. That's success, pal.