A couple of quick questions for you. Are you moderately attractive? Do you make people laugh? Are you friendly? If you answered "yes" to all three of these and, come on, who wouldn't you might be a Baxter. A Baxter, as the new movie by the same name explains, is the other guy in a romantic comedy: the safe bet, the sure thing, the guy that the attractive leading lady always leaves to be with the passionate, risk-taking hero of the film. A Baxter is, in short, the nice guy who always loses.
Many of you already know about the Friend Zone, that unfortunate state which men often find themselves in with their attractive female friends. Well, the Baxter is the personification of the friend zone: liked by all, but laid by none. I am a Baxter. I've been one all my life. I've had girlfriends but most have left me for someone who doesn't adhere to a rigorous coffee-shit-shower-shave morning routine. I can tell you this, being a Baxter is no fun at all.
Like kamikaze pilot, I have sacrificed myself. I have lived as a Baxter, done all the research and am now offering my services to you. I am humiliated to present: Ten Signs You Are A Baxter.
1. You've pretended to be an attractive friend's boyfriend so a guy would stop hitting on her.
2. Your attractive female friend has said any of the following things to you.
A. "I can change in front of you because, like, it doesn't matter."
B."Can you come over? My boyfriend and I just got in a fight and I need to talk to someone."
C. "I just took the biggest shit."
D. "You're like my brother."
E. "Oooh, can you help me pick out an outfit for tonight?"
3. You have been described as "stable" or "reliable" to a prospective date.
4. You get more kisses on the cheek than anyone you know.
5. If you're angry and yell at someone, you immediately apologize for losing control.
6. You spend more time with your attractive female friend than her boyfriend does.
7. When it comes time to hit the bars, your attractive female friend asks if you're "coming out with me and the girls?".
8. You consider jigsaw puzzles a suitable form of entertainment.
9. "'Your colors' are muted brown and light denim.
10. When you look at yourself in the mirror and realize that you'll never have that edgy attitude women are drawn to or be able to state your true feelings to a girl for fear of "ruining the friendship," you cry.
That's it. If you found yourself saying "hey, I think he's talking about me," or just silently sobbing to yourself, you're probably a Baxter. Maybe you and I can get together and help some pretty girls work out their guy troubles by genuinely listening to what they say. Maybe we'll even get to hug them after? Who knows? The future is looking depressingly, heartbreakingly friendly.
Anyway, to find out more about people like myself, go see The Baxter- starring Michael Showalter and Michelle Williams. Opening this Friday. And try taking a girl from your friend zone.