I have very reliable source that has informed me of some shocking news! What is it you ask? Is it that Brittney Spears is now a 4.5 on a 10-point scale? That's true, but I said shocking news. It seems that last week some Syrian scientists sent out surveys for a super secretive serious scientific study that proved beyond a shadow of a doubt that love is down an astounding 18% across the world from the last time they checked in 1956. (Source: US nonsense bureau) Now, this may not seem like that much upon first hearing it, (or reading it in this case) but if you keep saying it over and over again, continually for days, eventually it will dawn upon you that 18% is almost 20%, and that is quite a lot indeed.
So what has that done to the world? Well we are going to see what significance and impact this has had through some indisputable pieces of evidence.
#1. There were exactly 18% less babies born in 2004 than 1956. (Made up Statistic.)
#2. In 1956, sodas cost only 5 cents. (Inflation)
#3 Brittney Spears, Nicky Hilton, and Jennifer Lopez accounted for 4% of 2004's marriages. (Marriage in this statistic means slutty celebrity marriages)
So now that we all agree that this fact is absolutely true, (don't be in denial) we must address what we should do about it. And the answer is absolutely nothing!
Think about it. 18% less love also means that there are 18% less couples kissing at malls, 18% less people that are happier than you are, 18% less Mariah Carey songs, 18% less raisins, 18% less traffic on Valentine's day, 18% less celebrity babies named things like Apple, and last but not least, 18% less Hugh Grant movies!
But before we get ahead of ourselves, lets also realize that there are other pluses too. We all know that there will less cereal killing, fewer forest fires, oil prices will drop, less people will die in the very common "pretending to be cupid, but get shot by a crossbow" accidents, and Jesus will come back sooner!
Less love in the world also means less sex, which means population control. Population control will solve all of the world's hunger and pollution problems! Think about it. So if you are in a loving relationship, then you're a greedy rat bastard. Dump them! Your love is polluting the earth like a diesel big rig that hauls trees to a plant to be made into cigarette packages and abortion boxes. I don't even know what an abortion box is exactly, but your love creates them. Food for thought.
So start thinking globally and pitch in your fair share. Dump your significant other, kick a dog, stop stalking that girl at your work, laugh at an orphan, and maybe even get together with your family over the holidays and rob a grave. You'll be glad you did. I mean, imagine what a better place the world could be if everyone just loved a little less.
Scott is the head writer for National Lampoon's "The Gleib Show." Check out Scott's funny videos and writings on www.gleib.com.