It's the season everyone's talking about.
Fall comes complete with everything you could want in a time of year: biting winds, cold rain, overcast skies, and, as if that wasn't enough, DEAD LEAVES! Rake till you ache all season! Say "'Hello' to freezing car seats, corduroy slacks and wardrobe indecisiveness: is it going to be rain or just be cloudy today" WE DON'T KNOW!
This year's Fall features an all new Cold and Flu season, revamped and redone to give you maximum sniffling. Triple, I repeat, TRIPLE your cough drop and Kleenex purchases. Three months of unending headache and sore throat. Cough, cough and cough some more. Dry throat, swollen tonsils, post nasal drip, teary eyes, and DROWSINESS.
Plus, if you order now, we'll throw in Seasonal Allergies for free. Pet dander, leaf mold and dying grass can all be yours right now for the low, low price of nothing. Forget about breathing properly till December. That's three months, 90 days, 2160 hours of nonstop sneezing and mucus! Achoooooose Fall today!
Somebody stop us because we can't help ourselves from giving you MORE! Did someone say Pale Skin!? That's right, watch as your summer tan slowly fades away right before your very eyes. Have you ever wondered what your veins look like? Well wonder no more; let fall show you them in all their blue glory. Unsightly blemishes, once hidden by summer's deep coco tan, find an all new life in the spotlight once Fall comes to town. Never worry about hiding your imperfections again, because Fall won't let you. "Hey, what's that purple blotch on your neck? Is that a birthmark?" You're darn right it is, and I have Fall to thank for highlighting it!
We must be crazy, because just for ordering now we're prepared to give you Mandatory Family Gatherings for no additional charge. Thanks to a joint venture between Fall and Thanksgiving, we're happy to announce that you will now be spending the fourth Thursday in November with your ENTIRE EXTENDED FAMILY! Gay cousins, alcoholic grandparents, abusive stepmothers, war-scarred uncles, senile great-grandparents and even your cocaine-abusing older sister will gather and argue about politics while feasting on overcooked bird meat.
Warning: Thanksgiving may lead to your Uncle screaming at the TV because "this goddamned quarter back couldn't complete a fuckin' coloring book, let alone a fuckin' pass!"
So order now and let Fall show you what a real season can do. Just for your order you get miserable weather, the dead leaves, the seasonal allergies, the pale skin AND the family gatherings for FREE! It's everything you always knew you never wanted rolled into one AMAZING time of year!
Ordering is easy. Just look out your window every morning and watch the world slowly die around you.
Delivery estimate: September 23rd