If you go to a major American university, chances are there's at least one sport your school takes pride in. Whether it's football, basketball, baseball, rape, or any other physical activity besides hockey, sports rivalries have long been an important part of college life.
I attend the University of Miami, where supporting our football team takes second place only to tanning, shopping, volunteer work, eating, driving, crossword puzzles, and a number of other activities tied for first place. Recently, the student body was mortified when our team suffered a devastating loss to rival Florida State, a miserable school full of inbred white trash hillbillies majoring in pickup truck maintenance and armed robbery. But I'm not bitter. I've just come up with some ways to help deal with defeat. Feel free to apply this to any tough loss your school is dealt by a bunch of toothless future Dairy Queen janitors.
1. Visit your rival school's campus and partake in some serious littering. Your first reaction to this might be, "Littering isn't fun. Why don't we just burn down the gymnasium or something?" Hell, if I could afford that much gas, I'd get my car off the median of the turnpike, not use it to set things on fire. Littering, however, is basically free, and if you don't think it's fun, then why is there a $500 fine for doing it? You could get caught having sex with a 17-year-old on a stolen bed in the back of a speeding truck full of drugs, and you would probably owe like $350, tops. So collect some Styrofoam cups and plastic bags, fill them with urine, and turn the campus lawn into your own personal Coney Island.
2. One of the worst things about losing to an in-state rival is that some of your assbag friends from high school probably go there and won't stop calling you to rub it in. Get back at them by hiring a grad student to call from a blocked number and tell them their parents died. This one's pretty self explanatory. If you feel bad about it, let them brave the tearful drive home to find mom and dad alive and well. They'll be thrilled. But if they really won't shut up about winning the game, plan it for a weekend when their parents are away on vacation.
3. Constantly remind everyone about the many ways in which your school is better than the one that beat you. For UM, it's easy: academic rankings, location, campus, etc. If our fates had been reversed, it might have been harder for FSU: proximity to Waffle House, number of state senators' children attending, availability of a bachelor's degree in plumbing, and so on.
4. Plot to steal your rival's mascot right before the big game. If they kidnap your buddy Screech, meet with your friends at The Max to talk about getting him back in time. Valley sucks, Bayside rules!
5. This one doesn't even require a car. When walking around your own campus, if you see any football players, pull them aside for a stern lecture. The bigger the player, the more open they are to a lesson on blocking in the middle of the student union. They may look embarrassed, or even angry, but this is just the motivation they need to avoid any future losses. After a few tackling drills, buy them an ice cream cone and send them on their way with a quick slap to the backside. Vince Lombardi once said, and I'm paraphrasing here, that the harder you smack an offensive lineman on the ass in the middle of campus, the more likely he is to actually block for the quarterback in the next game instead of standing around like a dickhead while some mediocre defense tramples all over him.
Although any of these things will provide a temporary solution, the loss can't be fully erased until your team wins in a rematch. But releasing a pack of ravenous wolverines into the freshman dorms certainly can't hurt. Have fun!