If the Mars Curiositys Seven Minutes of Terror Worked Like Seven Minutes in Heaven - Image 1
Entry minus 30 minutes:Holy shit, holy shit, holy shit, there she is. Mars. She looks so cute in red. Immediately hide behind an asteroid and spend half an hour giving yourself a pep talk into the mirror.

Entry minus 2 minutes:Emerge from behind the asteroid. You can do this. It'll just be you and her. None of your asshole friends in the control room will be able to make any of their dumb jokes for seven whole minutes.

Entry minus 1 minute:God, seven minutes is a long time. Definitely enough time for her to reject you. What if she already has a rover? What if that dickhead Opportunity is still in the picture? Oh God.


Entry minus 30 seconds:Please don't let her laugh at you. Please don't let her laugh at you. Please don't let her laugh at you.

Minute 1:This is it. You're at the height of the atmosphere. Is it just you or is it super hot in here?

Minute 2:You'll never be able to make a move like this. Maneuver to a better angle. Just do it smoothly so she doesn't think you're farting or something. Oh my god, she definitely thinks you're farting.

Minute 3:Ugh, you must look so goofy. You knew you shouldn't have worn this stupid heat shield. Quick, take it off while she isn't looking.

Minute 3 and 30 seconds:Look at her, blushing all cutely. She wants you to touch her. Everyone wants this to happen, man. Otherwise you wouldn't be here. Start the descent. Just reach out and do it. Three. Two. One. Go.

Minute 4:Okay, this time you're actually going to do it. Three. Two. One. Go.

Minute 4 and 30 seconds:There you go. Ease on in. Not too fast. You're gonna scare her. Fire the rockets to slow down.

Minute 5:Well, not that slow. You're literally just sitting there motionless, you gigantic freak.

Minute 6:Uh-oh. Sky crane expanded. Maybe it's dark enough in here that she can't tell.

Minute 6 and 30 seconds:Okay, you're just gonna make contact. What's the worst that can happen, you'll accidentally touch down in the wrong place and instantly combust in a fiery blaze? At least you won't be going to college without having EVER landed on a planet.

Minute 7:TOUCH DOWN. Oh my god this is actually happening. You're doing it! She's not killing you on contact! You can hear everyone in the control room cheering! They're all going to think you're the coolest! You ARE the coolest! Hooray!