Recently I seem to possess a unique ability to scare girls into leaving the country. In the past few months, three girls I've known have decided to leave the comforts of home to try to get laid in foreign countries. The first one went to Asia, the land of Communism, fortune cookies and the mighty geisha, nature's most deadly killer. The second went to England because I guess she was tired of men with decent teeth. When the third announced she was going to Italy, I decided it was time to take action. Listen up kiddies and learn how to impress someone who has decided to go abroad.

The first thing to do is to plan a visit. For me, this wasn't hard since I am more than willing to visit a country with people who are as naturally hairy as I am. Plus, I like Chef Boyardee and The Sopranos. Planning a visit shows that you too are willing to learn about other cultures in a way other than renting ethnic pornography, and your initiative should impress the girl. Even if you never end up actually going, the mere fact that you considered going could get you some ass before they leave.

Next you need to drive them to the airport. This will save them the trouble of having to bring a translator for their cab ride, as well as show your devotion to them. If you are lucky, there will be a delay and you can screw on the luggage conveyor belt.

Another good tactic is to help them prepare for their new home country. For instance, if they are going to Canada you should make them chug maple syrup. China? Crush them with a communist regime for a while. The Netherlands? Have them smoke a bowl while screwing a hooker.

My personal approach on this one was to help the girl learn some Italian. I looked through some old things and found a desktop calendar that teaches you a new Italian word or phrase every day and started to leaf through it. Before long I realized that this calendar was nothing more than a guide to getting laid in Italy. It started with the phrase "ti amo," or "I love you." Could be innocent, right? Well, then it went to "ho caldo" (I'm hot) "Tocchilo" (touch me), "avete un pollo grande" (you have a big chicken), "messo esso dentro qui" (put it in here) and "posso fare della fotografie," (may I take photos?). The best part is the phrases for when the relationship has run its course, such as "ho mal di testa" (I have a headache) and the straightforward "sono stanco di te" (I'm tired of you). Not only did I learn how to teach a girl to speak dirty in another language, but I also learned the only phrase I would need to know to get some while visiting her, which was "Pago adesso o piu tardi?" (Do I pay now or later?).

If you are serious about this person who is leaving, you have to talk openly and honestly about your relationship. If you don't want them hooking up with other people or letting someone else watch them dress with high powered binoculars, let them know. It is better to endure an awkward conversation about where things stand than have to chew on ice through three months of celibacy for them only to have them return two months pregnant and claiming that the little one is yours.

If this discussion ends in the two of you agreeing to stay true to each other, just let yourself completely go physically. Stop wearing makeup, exercising, checking the fat content of late-night burritos or showering. This way you will be so absolutely repugnant that cheating will not even be an option.

Finally, make sure to get your passport ready in case they want an impromptu global booty call. There is no foreplay as exciting as an 18 hour flight to Bombay, and no aphrodisiac as enticing as an edited screening of Win a Date with Tad Hamilton. If you can make it through this flight without trying to screw your slightly frozen dinner roll, you'll be all set for a great reunion.