By Hallie Cantor
Kissy face :: I’m annoying.
Kissing someone else on the cheek :: I found someone who doesn’t mind that I’m annoying.
Nice smile :: I’m boring.
Closed mouth smile :: I’m boring and I have bad teeth.
Yawn :: I’m so boring I am actually putting myself to sleep.
Surprised face :: I’m surprised by how little time I had to think of a cool face.
Deadpan :: If I don’t make a facial expression, no one can make fun of me.
Tongue out :: My favorite band has at least one “z” in its name.
Silly face (pulling sides of lips out) :: I was really popular in middle school.
Eyebrows raised to look cool :: I was really popular in high school.
Scary teeth baring :: I was really popular in reform school.
Drunk face :: I’m drunk.
Super drunk face :: I’m trying to look drunk.
Twisted mouth :: I am uncomfortable in my own skin.
Looking off into distance :: My Facebook cover photo is of me on a mountain.
Blinking :: I slept in my contacts last night.
You as a child :: I peaked at 5.
Self-taken mirror myspace picture :: I delete more than half the photos I’m tagged in on Facebook.
You with everyone else’s face blurred/cropped out :: My friends are either way more or way less attractive than me.
You, instagrammed :: I own a ukelele and practice it in secret.
You in a photobooth pic :: I am lonely.
You in that infrared mac photobooth effect :: I am lonely in 2003.
A video fauxtograph :: One of my friends is an asshole.