Some people enter college with a best friend securely in place they email and IM all day long and cover their desk with framed pictures of prom and keg stands, and prom keg stands.
Then, there are the rest of us: the floaters. We're the ones with a solid group of high school buddies but no friend soul mate. For us best-friendless losers, college is a platonic meat market. So many potential friends! So many ways to get drunk and be outgoing enough to meet them! So what's stopping you? If you can't be popular you can at least have one person who thinks the world revolves around you and the great advice you give on cheating, Chlamydia, and Brazilian bikini waxes. Below I outline the 5 crucial steps in gaining and keeping, a BFF.
1. Start the friendship with conversation
My best friend Anne first appeared to me at a "Page 4th Floor" party the fall of my freshmen year. At some point she figured out I was a "hippie" (the inner tube size hemp necklaces must've given it away), and cornered me to discuss some cheesy Vermont jam band that her brother loved (Strangefolk they sucked then and still do). "Do you like Strangefolk?" She asked. We drunkenly had this conversation 2-3 more times and it never lead our friendship anywhere except down the road to awkward silence-town. Finally, when I woke up in a random dude's bunk bed and discovered her in the bed below with random dude's random roommate, we crossed the threshold from awkward conversation to awkward situation the perfect catalyst for a blooming friendship.
2. Share the same interests
Make sure you and your potential BFF have at least 3 common interests that you share at least one should be something you can discuss while sober. For example Anne and I both like sensitive Ani Difranco jams (the sober topic), theme parties, and getting blackout drunk. We threw an amazing lesbian folk singer theme party our junior year and ended up blacked out in bed together after drinking about 15 cocktails of our own creation: the furricane. Good times born out of our common interests.
3. Take an oath of friendship
Just as true blue pals once pricked fingers and shared blood as a sign of eternal brotherhood, modern day friendships can be certified with a similar ritual. As Anne lay puking at a party on a guy named Muppet's couch, she spewed chewed up elbow pasta all over my arm as I tried to wipe her down with a towel. I immediately returned the favor by projectile vomiting some sort of bile-beer mix on her face. The puke-pact is something that can never be reversed, no matter what road your friendship travels down. Like blood brothers, we shared something more special that just our rejected bodily fluids we shared a moment.
4. Sleep with each other's ex-boyfriends
This doesn't make for a solid friendship, but it's bound to happen so just expect it. And when it does happen, get mad, get even and get laid. Sleeping with your best friend's ex is perfect retaliation for her sleeping with yours. Now you finally share everything: a dorm room, clothes, CDs, secrets, and sex with an uncircumcised premature ejaculator.
5. Get in a fight
This will happen naturally after you've sexed up the exes. Nothing says BFF more that a good old fashion bitch fight. Not speaking for two weeks will make you realized how much you love each other and how you really have no other friends. You'll be BFF, and closer than before, in no time.