Autumn is a great time for theme parties, but some college students have trouble picking a good theme. Pajama Bros and Double-Teamed Ho's? That's racist, sexist, and pajamist. Try one of my cutting-edge ideas instead:

Everybody Gloves/Raymond – Everyone has to either wear gloves or dress as 1940's mystery novelist Raymond Chandler or contemporary short-story author Raymond Carver. This one can get PRETTY CRAZY.

Let Them Heat Cake, a.k.a. "Bake Not, Want Not." When guests show up for the party, make sure the cake is conspicuously absent. Guests will likely say, "Hey, where's the cake?" Tell them it's in the kitchen; they just need to put it in the oven. While they're gone baking, move the party to a different house. You don't need selfish complainers at your shindig.

Stripinata: Everyone loves strippers, but putting them in a cake has gotten a little passé. Instead, trying building an enormous piñata around the stripper. This should take several hours, but once you get it loaded up and hoisted to the rafters, it's totally worth it. Make sure the girls wear helmets and mouth guards. For extra points, convince your party goers that the stripper is in fact a new flavor of Now-and-Later called, you guessed it, "bloody stripper."

Cookies and Scream: Serve only a single bag of E.L. Fudge sandwich cookies. When guests take a bite, squeal, "No…..not my legs!" in your best elf voice. This works better if you're a ventriloquist, but either way it generally saves more cookies for you.

Friday the Third Teeth AKA You can't handle the Tooth: The average human mouth has thirty-two teeth. You're going to need to lose one third, or exactly 10 2/3, of them to smile your way to success at this dental-themed party.

Oh how the Mighty have Stalin: Every partygoer should come dressed as his or her favorite historical dictator. If a current dictator arrives at the party, he should be dressed as a member of whatever group he's been oppressing. Where are August Pinochet and Slobodan Milosevic going to get a peasant-corpse costume? After they RSVP, it's not your problem!

Lou Slips, Sinks Ships: Remember your fat friend Lou who's always tripping? Get some friends together, take him down to the pier, split a keg, and dare him to do a jig on the deck of the nearest frigate. When he falls through the hull and into the briny depths, laugh and laugh. At the funeral, remind his mom that he "had it coming."

The South Will Fries Again: Deep-fry several pounds of sliced potatoes. Buy several handles of Southern Comfort. When your guest arrive, say loudly, "I know what I think is Southern comforting: the eventual resurgence of all these Confederate war bonds I'm holding!" They won't laugh, but they'll say, "Oh, yeah, the Civil War. Hm." You've done your job.

A Nerd in the Hand is Worth Two in the Mush: Ever want to play a game of Duck-Duck-Goose where you knew you'd win every time? Try playing with your local dorks! Invite them over for a game, then proceed to beat them to the point of demoralization. When they're all in the "mush pot" in the middle of the circle, declare your utter superiority and steal their shoes. That all of their shoes are Velcro will facilitate this effort. If dorks are not available, substitute geeks at a 2-for-1 rate.

Four-Year-Old Virgin: Round up a bunch of kindergardners and throw them in a ball-pit in the middle of a dance floor. When your friends arrive at the party, make fun of those stupid four year old virgins. "Whatsamatter Johnny? Couldn't get your dick wet in Pre-K? Go back to fingerpainting, faggot." The kids will drool; that's defeat coming out of their mouths in liquid form. Featuring: Steve Carrell.