To quote every freshman in the history of ever: "I was SOOOO drunk!" Problem is, there's no objectivity to this claim. There are no gold medals and no Jeopardy champions in the game of Drunk. So how close can we ever come to explaining this phenomenon of the lampshade-wearing, sexual-favor giving, arrested-getting inebriate?

Simple: a comparison in five easy stages. Follow along if you're stage 3 or below.

1) Get your buzz on – 1 to 3 drinks. Congratulations, you're just like a: British person.

Every now and then, you're speaking so quickly that your words run together a little bit. You start saying uncharacteristic things like "thanks love." (Note: you do not start addressing people as "queen" until roughly stage 3, when a fight is forthcoming) For reasons passing explanation, you start talking at length about politics and culture. You start to think that maybe bad teeth aren't that big a deal.

2) Feelin' no pain, or tact – 4 to 5 drinks. Congratulations, you're just like a: Sex offender on probation.

You're compelled to go around the area and introduce yourself to everyone. You're chatting with girls/boys, but still cautious about groping. You want lure that special someone back to your van, but probably shouldn't. Damned if you're not trying to ignore the demon voices in your head that tell you to do the things.

3) Condition: Faded – 6 to 9 drinks. Congratulations, you're just like an: Eighty-year-old Handicapped billionaire in a strip club.

You no longer feel the need to impress people or act charming. Wild rounds of boasting are followed by inappropriate sexual advances. "Heavy" girls become "busty." Motor control is spotty at best. You can't even remember when you had bladder control. Special Bonus: After drink no. 8, You're confined to a chair for the foreseeable future.

4) Doin' a little side-to-side shuffle-dance – 10 to 14 drinks. Congratulations, you're just like: Michael J. Fox.

You shake and squirm quite a bit, but maintain a huge smile on your face. Sentences are tough to form, and are accompanied by wild gesticulations to help make the point. People are always telling you how brave you are, but in your case, it's "'cause you took a swing at a cop and took off into the neighbor's backyard.

5) You look like a hobo's jockstrap – 15 drinks and up. Congratulations, you're just like a: Celtic Druid, circa 1000 B.C.

You're not speaking anything that sounds remotely like English. You smell bad and regularly forage for food. When presented with a simple technology like a cell phone, you futilely poke at it and wonder exactly where inside it the sun and planets are hiding. You wake up in the morning to find an animal chewing/humping on you. You have the plague.